


Erase me from your skin

by castiels_playdoll



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, M/M, Mutual Pining, Secrets, Slow Burn, Soulmate Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 14:43:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 61,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11580186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castiels_playdoll/pseuds/castiels_playdoll
Summary: Castiel has spent countless sleepless nights imagining a million different scenarios of how he would finally meet his soulmate. Maybe at a beach on a perfect summer day, maybe at his favorite coffee shop or at a library where their hands would brush together as they'd reach for the same book.Never in his wildest dreams, or nightmares, did he imagine it would happen like this.





	1. Removed

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by that one soulmate AU prompt post that has been circulating tumblr for ages.  
> The prompt was "You remove your tattoo because you hate the idea of someone dictating who you can be with for the rest of your life and the person who’s removing it happens to be your soulmate and they’re torn between letting you know and just not bringing it up because you kind of went there because you didn’t want a soulmate and vice versa" by Tumblr user Silentpeaches

Cas rubbed the sleep out of his left eye while he waited for the coffee to brew. He should shower before leaving to work but there was no way he'd do anything before having two cups of coffee. Coffee was his priority number one in the mornings. He didn't have to be at the clinic until 10 am that day, and he was thankful that the worst morning rush would've passed by then. The sun was already up, slowly rising above the horizon. It was early spring, the weather was quickly getting warmer, and it looked like it'd be a beautiful day.

Cas sat on top of the kitchen island as he drank his coffee, staring at the sky as it turned from orange to yellow and finally to light blue. The shade of the sky was almost exactly the same as half of the colored smoke tattooed to his side, around the single wing. He let his fingers brush over the sizeable tattoo, tracing the edges of it, tapping his fingers over the 30 feathers of the wing.

Maybe this would be the beautiful day when he'd finally meet his soulmate.

He put the empty mug into the sink. He had gotten so stuck in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the time passing, and it was already past nine. He had time for a two-minute shower where he washed just his hair and rubbed the rest of the shampoo into his armpits before quickly rinsing off. It'd have to be good enough.

As he rushed through the almost empty streets to his workplace, he thanked a couple of gods that he had found a house so close to the clinic. Without any traffic, it only took him five minutes to get there. By some miracle, he arrived to work at 9.50, leaving him plenty of time to pull on the white coat and go through his schedule for the day before his first patient came in at 10.15am.

His first patient of a day was a young guy who had a bad case of acne, but with Cas' help, his skin was quickly getting better. It was only their third appointment but the boy's skin was already a lot smoother than it had been when he'd first came in. Cas remembered how skeptical the kid had been back then, but now he looked so happy, even giddy as he sat down on the treatment chair.

His next patient was an elder lady, Henrietta, who had won the fight against skin cancer, but the scars from the surgery were a painful memory on her shoulder and upper arm. She never stopped praising Castiel as he was "working his magic" on her skin, as she called it. The scars were getting smoother each time Cas treated them, and soon they'd be gone for good. Cas loved her, each time she came in, it felt like Cas' batteries were being charged with positive energy. Henrietta had gone through so much in her life, the cancer being just the latest bump in her road, but she had stayed positive and happy through it all. Seeing how she wouldn't let anything push her down was such an inspiration to Cas.

The first two appointments had both taken a long time, and after Henrietta left it was already time for Cas' lunch break. As he sat there, munching on his sandwich he thought about how optimistic Henrietta always was. Maybe Cas should tell her that he still hadn't found his soulmate, even though he was 31 years old. Cas did his best not to lose his hope, to just believe that he'd meet them one day, but the clock was ticking and he wasn't getting any younger. _'They'll come around when the time is right'_ is what he kept telling himself and to others when someone asked if he had found them yet. For Castiel the time had been right every single day since his tattoo appeared when he was 17, but apparently, the universe wasn't ready yet.

Everyone's soulmate tattoo was specifically about them, it told things about the couple. Castiel's tattoo had a big wing in the middle of it, and the wing had exactly 30 feathers. Cas had counted those feathers a million times. The wing was surrounded with green and blue smoke that mixed together above and under the wing. Castiel's eyes were blue so he guessed that's where the color came from, and he'd always assumed that his soulmate's eyes were green. He wasn't sure what the wing meant, though. Maybe it was about his name since he was named after an angel. But it might have been something about his soulmate too. He wouldn't know for sure until he'd meet them and get to know them.

What frustrated him the most was the number of feathers. It was common knowledge that there was a number hidden in everyone's tattoo, but the catch was that the meaning of it wasn't the same for everyone. For some people, it was their age when they'd meet their soulmate. For others, it was a date, a time of the day, the amount of minutes, hours, days, week, even years of how long it'd take from getting the tattoo until they'd meet their soulmate. Castiel prayed to god that his number 30 didn't mean years from getting the tattoo to meeting the one because that'd mean he'd have to wait for 16 more years.

He had been on the edge of a nervous breakdown through the whole year when he had been 30 years old, from the moment he officially turned thirty to the same moment exactly a year later when he wasn't 30 anymore. He had been expecting to find his soulmate every single second that year and had gone to bed disappointed every single night. Except for the nights when he had stayed awake, walking around the city hoping to finally meet them. After he got mugged once he stopped doing that, deciding that he could never find his soulmate if he was dead. He was always a little sharper at the end of the month, thinking that it could be a date, 30th day of the month. So far, it hadn't been. Or maybe it was a time, but was it 3 am or 3 pm?

Castiel had dragged every single green eyed person he'd met into his bed, which wasn't a huge number since green eyes were quite rare. The sex had usually been nice, but the feeling of disappointment had been greater when Cas had gotten them out of their shirts and there hadn't been a wing surrounded by green and blue smoke on their left side.

He had dated a little, too, but he was never able to push away the thought of someone being out there who was searching for him as desperately as he was searching for them. He wasn't a prude, he didn't believe in saving himself for his soulmate, but it did feel wrong to pursue a serious relationship with anyone who wasn't meant for him.

"Cas? Your next appointment is here." Meg pulled him out of his thoughts, standing in the doorway.

"Oh, right. I'm sorry, I'll be right there." Castiel pushed his chair back and stood up, crumbling the brown paper bag before tossing it into the trash.

"Why are you apologizing to me, I'm not your boss." Meg chuckled as she left, heading towards the waiting room.

Another acne patient was waiting for him when Castiel walked through the waiting room. He invited her in. She was a new one, a 16 years old girl. Castiel washed his hands before getting to work.

Three and a half hours later Cas hang his white coat into his locker and pulled on his jacket. He'd have to go to the grocery store on his way home, but first, he needed coffee. A big cup of strong coffee. He knew just the place to go to.

The coffee shop was quiet when Cas stepped in, just a couple of customers sipping on their drinks further back in the room. Cas marched up to the counter where a familiar smile greeted him.

"Hey, Cas. It's past six, you look tired as all hell, so let me guess. Black coffee with a double shot of espresso?" Charlie grinned.

"I'd get triple but I'm not sure my heart could handle that." Castiel chuckled, making the smile on Charlie's face grow even wider.

"So, popped a lot of pimples today?" She asked as she started to prepare Cas' drink.

"I still don't pop pimples, you know that." Cas shook his head, grinning.

"You don't? I have a huge pimple on my back, I was hoping you could check it out." She teased.

"I'm a doctor, you idiot. Ask Gilda to pop your pimple. Or actually, don't. It's not good for your skin, just wait 'til it goes away." Castiel teased back, slipping into his professional self at the end.

"Yeah, okay Doctor Castiel. Here's your coffee, Doctor. It'll be three dollars, Doctor. Sir."

"I hate you," Castiel laughed as he pulled out his wallet, handing a $5 to her. "Keep the rest."

"Ooh, thank you so much for your generosity, Doctor! No one but a Doctor could afford to give a two dollar tip, this will feed my entire family for three weeks!" Charlie said with a gasp, clutching the bill against her chest, wobbling her lower lip. Cas snorted as he took his cup from the counter.

"I'm going to the Starbucks from now on."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Mister Doctor sir!" Charlie hollered after him, making Cas laugh as he stepped out of the shop. He'd never trade their banter for Starbucks' sugary drinks.

 

* * *

 

Maybe the strong coffee after 6 pm had been a bit too much, Castiel decided when he rolled out of the bed next morning. He had been full of energy until way past 2 am, and when his alarm clock had gone off at 6:30 am he had wanted nothing more than to throw it into the wall and go back to sleep. Instead, he dragged himself into the bathroom, turned on the shower and scrubbed himself clean until he was a little more awake.

Once he arrived to work he poured himself a cup of coffee, hoping it would wake him up after getting just a few hours of sleep the previous night. He scrolled through his schedule as he sipped on his horrible tasting drink. The new intern had probably brewed it, the kid had no idea how to make a good cup of coffee. His first customer was gonna be a mole removal, then there was a couple of scar patients, an acne patient. His last customer of a day was gonna be a tattoo removal. Those were rare. The clinic was quite small, it only had three doctors and five nurses, and Cas was the only one who had gotten the extra education for tattoo removal with laser, but he still got only a couple of patients a year who wanted to get rid of a tattoo. It was a long project, it'd take several appointments to get it fully removed, then possibly a few treatments for the scars, but only if the wounds didn't heal up nicely on their own.

He would spend a lot of time with that patient in the next three months, at least.

The day went on slow, and Cas was exhausted by the time his lunch break rolled in. He wanted to go home, fall face down on the bed and not get up for a week or two. Only a couple more patients and then he'd be able to do that. Well, not the not getting up for two weeks part, but the sleeping for the rest of the day.

A couple of hours later he got everything ready for his last patient, the tattoo removal. He cleaned all the equipment thoroughly, made sure everything was there before walking into the waiting room.

"Winchester," he called out, and a man around his age lifted his head, his eyes wide. He put away the magazine he had been reading and got up, walking to Cas quickly.

"This way," Cas gestured towards the room. The man just nodded and followed him inside. Cas closed the door, gesturing towards the chair next to his desk. When the man sat down, Cas went around the desk to get to his computer.

"So, it says here that you're here to get a tattoo removed," Cas chatted as he pulled up the man's information.

"Uh, yes, that's right." The man, Dean as the patient card told him, cleared his throat.

"A drunken mistake?" Cas grinned. The guy chuckled nervously but shook his head.

"No. It's ah, my soulmate tattoo, actually."

Cas' eyes widened as he stared at the man. Getting one's soulmate tattoo removed was even rarer than getting rid of a regular tattoo. Wanting to get their soulmate tattoo off of their skin usually meant just one thing.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Castiel said softly. The man looked up, confusion on his face until it clicked in.

"Oh! No, they didn't die. I haven't actually even met them yet." Dean confessed. Castiel didn't know what to say, why would anyone want to get rid of their soulmate tattoo if they haven't even found them yet?

"Can I ask how you've come to the decision to remove it?" Castiel crossed his hands over the table, turning fully towards the man. Dean swallowed hard, his eyes jumping from one spot to another.

"I just... Don't want it." When Castiel said nothing, waiting for him to go on, Dean groaned but continued.

"The whole soulmate thing is stupid, you know? What the fuck does the universe even know about love, huh? Why can't I decide who I want to be with? Why does some stupid tattoo get to decide who I should spend my life with?" Dean complained loudly, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Have you consulted anyone about this?" Castiel asked after a beat of silence. Dean huffed an amused breath and glanced at him.

"Well, I'm consulting you, now. You're a doctor." Dean gestured towards Castiel.

"Yes, but I meant a psychologist. Are you completely sure you want to do this? Once it's done, you can't get the tattoo back. Maybe you should think about this a little more. What about when you meet your soulmate?" Castiel spoke calmly.

"Who says I want a fucking soulmate?" Dean snapped so loudly that Castiel flinched back, pulling his hands into his lap. Dean mumbled a sorry when Castiel turned to his computer, scrolling through Dean's information to avoid having to look at him.

Getting one's soulmate tattoo removed had used to be a huge taboo, but these days it wasn't viewed as harshly. Almost everyone who wanted their tattoo removed had lost their soulmate and wanted to get rid of the visible, painful reminder of them. Castiel had heard of people getting their soulmate tattoo removed even before meeting their soulmate, but those cases were extremely rare.

"Okay, let's get started then. If you're absolutely sure about this?" Cas offered Dean a one last out, but Dean didn't take it.

"I'm sure. I want it gone." Dean nodded in determination.

"Alright then. Strip out of any clothes that you have covering the tattoo, I'll get everything ready." Castiel gestured towards the treatment chair.  Dean started to pull off his jacket while Castiel went to prepare the equipment. He heard Dean sitting down behind him.

"Okay, let's see it," Castiel said as he turned around to face Dean, who was sitting on the chair shirtless. Dean raised his left arm, revealing the soulmate tattoo on his side.

A single wing with exactly 30 feathers, surrounded by green and blue smoke.

Castiel's heart fell all the way down to the bottom of his stomach like a heavy, cold rock. His jaw dropped and for a moment he completely forgot how to breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut for a couple of seconds, hoping to see something else once he opened them again. The tattoo was still there, just as big and bright as Cas'. He felt his legs trembling and he had to take a hold of the counter behind him.

"Let's get rid of this, Doc." Dean looked down to the tattoo, unaware of how he had just completely crushed Castiel.

"I-- I need to-- Gloves! I need to go get gloves. I'll-- right back." Castiel was able to say through his ragged breathing, turning away and rushing out of the room before Dean could see the look on his face.

Cas ran through the waiting room into the staff bathroom, slamming the door shut after him. He kneeled in front of the toilet, his entire body heaving as tears rolled down his cheeks. He couldn't even put all the pieces together properly, his head was swirling and he felt sick.

"Don't cry at work, don't cry at work," he mumbled to himself, trying to control his breathing. He didn't throw up, even though he wasn't far from it. He tried to think about how long he'd been there on the bathroom floor. Minutes? Hours? He didn't know, but he'd better head back before Dean got suspicious. He pushed himself up to his wobbly legs, splashed cold water onto his face from the tap and checked if his eyes looked red. They did a little bit.

He dried his face and took a couple more calming breaths before exiting the bathroom. He went through the storage room, picked up a box of vinyl gloves and walked right back into the room where his soulmate was waiting for him to remove his soulmate tattoo.

"Sorry about that," Castiel tried to smile as he stepped inside, holding up the box.

"Yeah, no problem. Are we good to start now?" Dean asked. Castiel walked to stand next to the chair Dean was sitting on, and it was only then when he noticed the color of Dean's eyes. Exactly the shade of green that was tattooed on both of their bodies. Cas felt giddy for half a second that he had guessed that right until he remembered why Dean was here.

"Yes, let's just go through the basics really quick." Castiel pulled his chair under him and sat down. He was acting so normal, so calm that he should get a medal for it, he thought to himself.

"Your tattoo is quite large, and those things go deep, so it's gonna take several appointments to get it out completely. You're gonna have to come back here for..." Castiel swallowed, looking down. "For about four months, I think. Maybe more. Between each appointment, we have to wait until the blisters heal before we can repeat the treatment. So you'll be coming back once or twice a month, depending on how quickly it heals."

"Okay, yeah. I read online that it takes a while, I wasn't thinking it'd be a one-time thing." Dean nodded.

"After your soulmate..." Cas cleared his throat, "after the tattoo is completely removed we might have to treat the scars, too. We probably will, laser tends to leave some pretty nasty scars but I'll be able to get rid of those too. In about six months it'll look like you never even had a soulmate tattoo." Cas smiled weakly, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

"Great! I can't wait to get rid of this damn thing." Dean glared down at his tattoo. A cold shiver ran through Cas' body, catching in his throat. He turned towards his equipment, trying not to think about the fact that it was his soulmate sitting in the chair, waiting to get rid of the tattoo that marked him as Castiel's, Castiel as his.

His whole life Castiel had imagined a million ways of how he'd finally meet his soulmate, but this had never been one of them. He never imagined that one of the first things he'd hear his soulmate say would be _"I don't want a fucking soulmate"._ Something cold squeezed around Castiel's heart, making it hard to breathe. He closed his eyes, took a couple of deep breaths before opening them again. With a cotton bad soaked in saline in his hand, he turned around.

"I'm gonna give you a local anesthetic," Castiel said before wiping the area clean, then gave Dean the anesthetic. "We have to wait for a few minutes for that to kick in before we can start the procedure."

Dean sat there, his arm thrown over his head so that the too familiar tattoo was exposed. The colors of it, the size of it, each one of the 30 feathers were mocking Castiel as he sat there next to Dean, pretending his entire soul hadn't just been ripped to shreds. For fourteen years Castiel had stayed positive and hopeful, waiting for the day when he'd meet his soulmate and everything would be perfect. Fourteen years of believing that one day he'd find them, only to end up here.

He looked at Dean, who was staring straight forward, looking almost giddy about finally getting rid of his stupid tattoo. Cas hated him. At least wanted to, but it was hard when his entire self, his soul and mind were reaching towards him. Cas wanted to hurt him, hurt him more than he had ever hurt anyone, but at the same time, he wanted to climb into Dean's lap, cry against his chest and beg for his love.

"I don't think I can feel my side anymore," Dean suddenly said, sounding so calm it pissed Cas off. He poked a finger quite roughly into Dean's tattoo but the man didn't even flinch. He poked again, a little gentler this time.

"Can you feel that?" he asked. Dean shook his head.

"Nope, not at all."

Cas picked up the laser tool and looked Dean in the eyes.

"Last chance. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?" Castiel kept his tone serious. What was left of his heart was begging Dean not to do this, he was hoping that Dean would just somehow _know_ who Castiel was and-

"Yes, absolutely sure. Get that ugly tattoo off of me."

Cas did his best to not let the hurt show on his face as he put the black safety glasses on his face and got to work. He started from the black wing in the middle of the tattoo, erasing a feather after feather. He'd never find out what the number 30 meant, and now there were just 29 left on Dean's side.

28.

27.

26.

Cas couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"What about your soulmate? They've probably been waiting for you all their life?" He asked. He wasn't sure why he was torturing himself like this, he knew Dean's answer would bring him close to tears again, but a part of him wanted to hear the words anyway.

"That's their problem, not mine. I don't want a soulmate, I never want to even meet the person I'm supposedly _destined to be with_. I don't care what they think, I need to put myself and my own happiness first." Dean answered determinedly.

Castiel swallowed around the ever growing lump in his throat. 25. 24. 23.

"Besides, the whole soulmate thing is fucking bullshit. What if I met someone who... If I loved someone who's tattoo didn't match mine, if I loved someone like they were my soulmate. Why shouldn't I have the power to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, not someone who the universe thinks I should be with?" Dean was talking quietly, but he still sounded angry and frustrated.

"Are you with someone like that?" Castiel felt the instant jealousy surging through his body. Dean was his soulmate, they were made for each other, but Dean had gone and fallen in love with someone else. Cas realized that feeling jealous was completely pointless in that moment because Dean had told him about fifty times that he didn't want him.

Dean was quiet for a moment until he turned his head a little to look at Cas. Cas glanced at his sad eyes before concentrating on what he was doing.

"I was. We were together for a little over two years until he found his soulmate, left me in a blink. And I get it, I'm not mad at him. He was meant to be with her, not me. We both knew the day would come when one of us would find our soulmate, we started the relationship knowing that it'd be just a little fun on our way to our destined soulmates, but at some point I started hoping that..." Dean turned to look away. Cas didn't lift his gaze from Dean's skin as he erased the tattoo little by little.

"I kinda hoped that neither of us would ever find our soulmate, that we could be together forever," Dean said quietly, his voice breaking a little. Castiel felt sorry for him, but he was also angry. His soulmate was a fucking idiot.

"So because you loved this one dude who wasn't your soulmate you decided that you don't want a soulmate at all?" Castiel snapped before he could stop himself. Dean turned to look at him with his mouth open.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... It's none of my business, I'm sorry." Castiel hurried to say.

"You're right, it isn't." Dean snapped back at him. "It's not that simple as you make it sound, and there's more to it."

"Of course, I'm sorry for being so unprofessional. Won't happen again." Castiel nodded, deciding to shut his mouth for the rest of the appointment unless Dean would ask him something. They were now down to 14 feathers, and Cas stopped for a second. 14 feathers, 14 years of waiting, all of it for nothing. He pressed the tool back against Dean's skin a little too forcefully and erased the rest of them as quickly as he could.

An hour later Cas put the equipment away and wiped at the bleeding blisters the laser had left in its wake. He bandaged Dean's side, hiding the destroyed tattoo under two layers of white gauze. Once he was done he pulled off his gloves and stood up, heading to his computer.

"I couldn't go through the whole tattoo now, it's too big to go over in one session. I'll book you a new appointment in three weeks. If the blisters haven't healed by then give me a call and we'll re-schedule. Keep the area dry and clean, put plastic wrap over it when you shower. Ask someone to help you change the bandages if you need to." Castiel was speaking quickly, making notes to Dean's patient information about their first procedure.

"I can change them myself," was all Dean said. Cas looked up at him.

"You haven't told anyone you're getting it removed, have you?"

"Uh, no. All my friends and family would've tried to stop me." Dean admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. Cas turned back towards the screen.

"Maybe you should have," he mumbled so quietly that Dean probably didn't even hear him.

He printed out instructions of how to take care of your skin after getting a tattoo removed, and Dean's next appointment. After taking the papers from him, Dean nodded a quick thank you and then he was out of the room. Cas let his head fall into his hands as soon as the door clicked shut. His shoulders were shaking, his heart was completely broken, but he wouldn't cry at work. He took a couple of calming breaths before dropping his hands back to his keyboard. As he started to save Dean's information, he noticed the date of birth.

Dean was thirty years old.


	2. Never ending torture

It was late on the night of the day when Cas had first met Dean. Cas was sitting in his living room, the TV was on but he wasn't concentrating on it. All he could think about was how this wasn't supposed to happen, how he was supposed to get his happy ending. But Dean had taken the story into his hands and ripped the entire ending away, leaving the story forever unfinished. What was supposed to be Castiel's _forever_ had been turned into _a couple of months of work._

When the walls started to fall on him, Cas reached for his phone and called his sister.

"You don't usually call me this late," Anna's surprised voice answered the phone.

"I know, I'm sorry. Were you in bed already?" Castiel curled into the corner of the couch, pulling his knees against his chest.

"No, still grading papers. What's up?"

"I met my soulmate today," Castiel said quietly, his lower lip already wavering.

"What! Oh my god, finally! I'm so happy for you, Castiel. Come on, tell me everything." Anna yelled into the phone.

"He came to the clinic to get his soulmate tattoo removed."

The line went quiet for a long moment until he heard Anna whisper a shocked "what".

"He... He doesn't want a soulmate. Hates the idea of even having one. He went on and on about how having a soulmate is bullshit and he doesn't want... He doesn't want me." Castiel broke down, tears falling down his cheeks. He could hear his sister sniffling on the other end of the line, too.

"I'm so sorry, Castiel. That's so fucked up. Did you tell him? Did you show him your tattoo?" Anna asked through her tears.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Hearing that he didn't want a soulmate, when his soulmate was still a faceless _someone out there_ for him was bad enough, but if I had told him and he'd still wanted to get it removed, if he had rejected _me, personally_... I couldn't do it. I can't." Castiel sobbed, pressing a hand over his eyes.

"But maybe he would've changed his mind if you had told him?" Anna tried. Cas shook his head, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"I don't think so. He spoke so strongly against it, he said he never wanted to meet his soulmate and that... that the universe knew nothing about love. He wanted to decide on his own who he loved, so I couldn't be like 'yeah that's cool and all, but you're meant to love me'."

"What's his name? Where does he live? I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna carve that fucking tattoo out of his skin with a knife!" Anna was yelling into the phone, sounding so mad that Castiel didn't doubt for a second that Anna would do just that.

"His name is Dean, I don't know where he lives. I don't think killing my soul-- killing him would help anything." Castiel shook his head.

"Well, if you ever change your mind about that you know how to reach me," Anna said seriously, determination in her voice. Cas chuckled through his tears.

"Thanks, Anna. I'll keep that in mind."

"Castiel, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Out of all people, you should've gotten the perfect moment of meeting your soulmate for the first time. He doesn't deserve you. Maybe... Maybe it's a mistake. Maybe there's someone else with that tattoo, maybe he isn't the only one." Anna tried.

"Anna, please don't. We both know that's not possible. He is, or was, my soulmate. I don't know. Is he still? Does removing the tattoo break that connection? Do I-- Do I even have a soulmate anymore?" Cas' breath got caught in his throat at that thought. Had he himself destroyed their soulmate bond? He felt the panic rising in his gut, his breathing getting faster.

"I don't think so. I guess he's still your soulmate, even without the tattoo. Some people get hurt in accidents and their tattoos get ruined but that doesn't mean their soulmate isn't their soulmate anymore." Anna pondered.

Castiel tried to concentrate on his breathing to calm himself down, but there wasn't a single thought in his head that would make him feel better. So maybe Dean was still his soulmate but so what? Dean didn't want him. Or then Dean wasn't his soulmate anymore because Cas had destroyed most of his tattoo, but that didn't matter either. The outcome was the same: Cas would grow old alone with no one by his side, he'd never know what it feels like to love his soulmate and be loved by him. Everything he'd ever dreamed about had been taken away from him.

"Cas? You'll get through this. I can't even imagine how much it hurts right now, but you'll get through it. There's a lot of people who never even meet their soulmate, and they're doing okay anyway. You can be happy and have a fulfilling life even without a soulmate. You have a great family, a lot of friends and a job you're amazing at. One person can't create or take away your happiness." Anna spoke softly. Cas wanted to believe her, but his broken heart wasn't listening.

 

* * *

 

Days went by in a fog. Castiel felt like he was working on an autopilot, going through the motions as he remembered them, not really noticing anything that was happening around him. He still did his work as well as always, but everything around it was just... fog. He had no energy to chat with his coworkers or to banter with Charlie like they usually did when he went to get a coffee after work. His fridge was practically empty but he wasn't even hungry so there was no point in dragging his ass to the grocery store. Laying on the couch or in his bed all day after work sounded like an amazing plan to him.

Four days after meeting his soulmate his doorbell rang. Cas thought about waiting until whoever was behind his door would just go away, but after listening to someone banging on his door and ringing the doorbell for three minutes he finally pushed himself up from the couch. As soon as he opened the door he had his arms full of Charlie.

"Hey, what's going on?" he groaned, watching as his sister pushed past them into the apartment with three grocery bags in her arms.

"Anna told me what happened, I'm so sorry!" Charlie mumbled against his shoulder. Cas finally lifted his arms around her, letting himself take solace in her embrace. They hugged for several minutes until Charlie finally pulled away.

"How are you doing?" she asked, keeping her hands on his shoulders as she took a good look at him. Castiel shrugged, bowing his head down.

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me. When was the last time you ate?" Charlie turned Cas around by his shoulders, pushing him towards the kitchen where Anna was putting food into the fridge.

"Umm... I think I had something this morning. I'm not hungry, I'm okay." Castiel sighed.

"No, you're not. But it's okay, no one expects you to be okay. We just want you to eat." Anna joined the conversation. Charlie pushed him to sit down at the table while they prepared him a quick meal.

"I'm fine, honestly." Castiel insisted, even though he knew the girls wouldn't believe him. His eyes were probably puffy and red from crying, his hair dirty from not showering in days. He hadn't even looked in the mirror that day, the reality might be a lot worse than he imagined.

Charlie pushed a bowl of soup in front of him and a second later Anna put a sandwich next to it.

"Eat!" The two women said at the same time, giving Cas no other option than to finish everything that had been put in front of him. While he ate the girls cleaned up his apartment a little, Anna took care of the kitchen while Charlie picked trash from all over the place and opened the windows in every room to let some fresh air in.

Castiel ate slowly but he did eat it all. When he was done Anna took the plate and the bowl, putting them into the dishwasher before turning the machine on. Charlie walked into the room, stopping next to him.

"Feel any better?"

Castiel shrugged.

"Go take a shower, we'll change your sheets." Anna gestured him to get up.

"My sheets don't need changing." Castiel protested as he pushed himself up.

"I'm pretty sure they do. Go on, take a shower. And brush your teeth, your breath smells like death!" Anna hollered after him as Cas made his way to the bathroom.

He stepped into the shower and just stood there under the warm spray of water for a couple of minutes before reaching for the shampoo. Massaging the lather through his hair felt good and he took a moment to swirl his fingers over his temples, feeling the slight headache passing.

As he spread the shower gel on his body his hand stopped over the tattoo. What Castiel had always considered beautiful, Dean had called ugly. For Castiel the tattoo had always been them, he and his soulmate brought together, turned into the most gorgeous tattoo on his skin. He still didn't understand parts of it, but he had always imagined that it'd all make sense once he'd meet his soulmate, and it'd make the tattoo even more beautiful. Now, as his fingers pressed against the feathers and colors on his side, all he could hear was Dean's voice in his head; _"get that ugly tattoo off of me. I don't want a soulmate."_ His tears mixed with the water, letting him pretend he wasn't crying again.

Once he stepped out of the bathroom fifteen minutes later, the air in his house smelled fresher, lighter. He found the girls in the living room watching TV.

"Hey. We put some laundry into the machine," Anna said carefully as she turned towards him.

"Thank you, both of you. I'm gonna go dress up, but could you... Maybe you could stay for a while? We could watch a movie or something?" Castiel asked hopefully. Both girls nodded, saying "of course" almost at the same time. Cas smiled weakly.

After putting some clothes on he joined them on the couch. He offered them the honor of choosing the movie but the girls insisted that he should pick whatever he wanted to watch. They browsed through Netflix for half an hour until Cas decided that they should watch a drama with absolutely no love story pushed into it. The last thing he needed was a rom-com about people meeting their soulmate in the perfect way.

Charlie and Anna stayed for hours, making sure Cas ate a light snack before bed. They both hugged him before they left, giving him a big group hug and promising to come visit him soon again. Cas knew that they wouldn't get off his back anytime soon, but he wasn't mad about it.

 

* * *

 

Castiel might have gotten a little better as time went past if the day of Dean's next appointment wasn't getting closer and closer each day. Two weeks after meeting him Castiel was doing a little better, he was eating at least one warm meal each day even without Charlie or Anna pushing food down his throat. He had gone back to showering daily, and even though Dean was on his mind every day, he didn't cry about it. Not every day, at least.

But then the day came, and Cas found himself standing in the waiting room calling for Dean's name. His hands were sweating, his heart had climbed into his throat and seeing the bright smile on Dean's lips that lighted up his eyes only made Castiel feel sick.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel greeted when they were in the room.

"Hey, Doc." Dean grinned, dropping his jacket on the chair.

"So, have the blisters healed okay?" Castiel asked, pulling up Dean's information on the computer.

"Yeah, they're all gone. I think I could've come in last week since they healed so quickly." Dean smiled proudly.

"It's better to let your skin have a break and not to attack it with the laser as soon as the blisters heal. Keeping the frequency in at least three weeks between treatments will make the scars smaller and lighter." Castiel told him, typing in what Dean had told him.

"Right, of course. I guess I have to believe you, you're the one with the doctorate." Dean grinned, sounding giddier than last time.

"Let's see it," Castiel said. He took a deep breath when Dean pulled his shirt off. He hadn't even noticed last time but Dean had a really nice body. His arms were muscular and thick, he had a little tummy but Cas found it rather cute. His skin looked so soft that Cas' hands itched to reach out and touch him. He stood up and walked up to him, pulling on his vinyl gloves as he went. Dean lifted up his arm and Cas gently peeled the bandages away. The wing was still there but a lot lighter in color than before, the edges smudged. The colors were still bright, making Castiel's insides twist.

"It has healed beautifully, you wouldn't have even needed to bandage it up anymore. The skin looks smooth, there's no wounds or blisters. You've taken a good care of it." Castiel tried his best to slip into his professional doctor mode, to think like this was just another patient, not his soulmate. And Dean was, actually, just another patient who'd be in and out until his tattoo would be just a memory, and then Cas would never see him again. _Just another patient._

"Thanks, Doc. I tried my best." Dean winked at him, and that was just unfair. Cas stepped away from him, put on the glasses and sternly told Dean to sit down. The quicker he got Dean out of the room the better.

This time he worked on the colors around the wings, starting from the blue. As he was erasing the part that was _him_ from Dean's skin, a question popped into his mind. He had to turn the question around in his head a few times, trying to decide how to word it so that it wouldn't reveal anything to Dean.

"You know how there's always a meaning in every part of a soulmate tattoo," Cas started carefully. He could see Dean turning to look at him. "What do you think the wing in your tattoo means?"

Dean was quiet for a minute, so Cas felt the need to add, "I'm sorry if it was too personal thing to ask, you don't have to answer."

"No, it's okay. I don't actually know. It's nothing about me, at least I can't think how a wing would have anything to do with me. I always assumed it was about them, or about how we'd meet. I guess I'll never find out now, huh?" Dean chuckled, and Cas wasn't sure if there actually was a hint of sadness in his voice or if he just imagined it.

So the wing was probably about Castiel's name, then. Of course, he couldn't tell that to Dean. Castiel was feeling angry again. Hadn't Dean thought about the tattoo and what it meant at all? Cas had spent the entire last year looking for his soulmate because of the thirty feathers, but Dean, his thirty years old soulmate had decided to get rid of his soulmate tattoo right now, during the year when his age matched the number of feathers tattooed to his side. Had he ever even counted them? Had he ever cared about it at all? Had he ever imagined how he'd meet his soulmate? Had he spent nights awake planning his future with his soulmate?

Dean winced in pain.

"Fuck, that part hurt like a motherfucker!" He hissed through his teeth. Cas moved the laser over that same spot again.

An hour later Dean was gone, his next appointment scheduled to three weeks into the future. Cas sighed as he leaned back in his chair. He'd have three weeks to get over his soulmate until Dean would be back to rip all of his wounds open again. He couldn't wait to get Dean's tattoo removed so he wouldn't have to see him ever again.

 

* * *

 

It was a Friday night, and Cas, Anna and Charlie were watching a movie at Cas' place, having a couple of beers on the side. They had chosen an action movie filled with explosions, guns, bad guys and zero romance. They were halfway through the movie but Cas hadn't really been paying attention to it at all.

"Should I get my tattoo removed, too?" He asked, staring blankly in front of himself.

"What?" Both women yelled at the same time, the movie immediately forgotten.

"My soulmate is getting his removed so maybe I should too. It's almost the same as if my soulmate had died, I lost him. People often remove their tattoos after their soulmate passes away." He reasoned.

"Cas, you love that tattoo," Anna said gently, putting her hand on Cas' shoulder.

"I did love it, but not anymore. Now it's just a painful reminder that my destiny is to be alone. It hurts every time I see it in a mirror or when I touch it. I'm not sure if I want it on my skin anymore. It was a beautiful thing to have, a promise of eternal love, but Dean took all of that away from me." Castiel said, then chuckled.

"Look at me. I thought meeting my soulmate would make me happy, but all it did was make me bitter. And sad. Oh, god." Cas whimpered as the tears started to fall again. A pair of arms wrapped around him from both sides as his friend and his sister hugged him.

"Remember when I offered to kill him? I still could, just say the word and the fucker who broke my perfect brother is dead in a blink," Anna growled against his shoulder, making Cas chuckle.

"I didn't know about an offer like that but I'm in. I have a sword, an actual sword at home. We can make it an epic kill." Charlie sounded excited about killing Cas' soulmate. It made Cas laugh, and soon he couldn't stop laughing. He could barely breathe, he wasn't sure if the tears rolling down his cheeks were tears of sadness or laughter, but he couldn't stop laughing.

After a moment Castiel wiped his eyes on the back of his hand, still chuckling a little.

"Thanks, you two are the best. Oh god, what would I do without you?" Cas sighed happily.

"You'd still be doing okay, I'm sure of it. But we're still not gonna leave you alone." Charlie grinned. Cas snorted and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer before pressing a kiss on her forehead. He turned around and repeated the motions with his sister.

"Thank you. I truly mean it, this month would've been so much rougher if it wasn't for you two. Once I get myself pulled out of this hell I'm gonna do something nice for you to repay for all you've done for me. And all you'll do for me in the future, because in less than three weeks Dean's gonna be back and I'm not sure how I'll be able to handle that." Castiel shook his head, dropping his hands into his lap.

"We'll be here all through it. And afterwards, too." Anna promised. Charlie was nodding at her words.

"Thanks. Sorry I ruined our movie night with all these emotions." Castiel chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"Go LARPing with me and I'll forgive you," Charlie offered. Cas looked at her for a moment, blinking.

"Or, and this is just an idea, I could rewind the movie to the part before I started sobbing. How's that?"

"Damn it! You're never gonna come play with us, are you?"

"Nope, never." Cas grinned as he took the remote and started to search for the latest part of the movie he remembered seeing.

 

* * *

 

Cas hadn't told anyone but Anna about what had happened, so when a couple of days before Dean's next appointment Castiel's mother called him and, among other things, asked if he had finally found his soulmate, Cas wasn't sure what to tell her. His mother was old, a helpless romantic just like her son. She had been waiting for Cas to find the one probably just as much as Cas himself had, and she never stopped asking about it. Cas didn't want to upset her by telling the truth.

"No, still haven't found them. " He tried to sound cheerful like he still had hope.

"Oh, honey. I'm sure you'll find them soon. And when you do, it's going to be perfect! Oh, I bet your soulmate is really beautiful," his mother sighed.

She was right. Dean was absolutely beautiful. A complete idiot, annoying, stupid little piece of shit, but so, so beautiful.

"Maybe, but that's not all that matters."

"Of course not, honey! They have to be good for you, that's the most important thing," she said. Castiel swallowed, looking down to his shoes.

"Yes, I agree. Mother, I need to go, I have to run some errands before I go to bed. I'll call you soon." He promised. The only errand he needed to run was to lay face down on the floor for a couple of hours and drown in self-pity, but his mother didn't have to know that.

"Alright. I love you, Castiel."

"Love you too, mom. Bye."

Cas tossed his phone on the couch, letting out a deep sigh. He would never tell his mother the truth, she was old and sick, she probably didn't have a lot of time left. He didn't want her to die knowing that the universe had thrown a huge 'fuck you' in her son's face. He would spare her the disappointment.

Cas had never been good at keeping secrets, he didn't even like secrets at all, instead he preferred being honest and open about everything, but this time he had two people to protect from a lot of pain. Himself and his mother. Well, he guessed he could count Dean in on that list, but Dean had said he didn't care about his soulmate so why should Cas care about him?

 


	3. That's a horrible idea but okay

Castiel sat in front of his computer, Dean's information open on the screen, but he wasn't ready to go into the waiting room to get Dean. Not yet. He closed his eyes and sucked his lungs full of air, held it for a couple of seconds before letting it all out slowly. He repeated it again and again until he was finally able to open his eyes. He looked at the clock on the bottom right corner of the screen. Dean's appointment should have started three minutes ago.

"Just another patient," he whispered to himself as he pushed up from his chair and walked to the door. Once he got to the waiting room, Dean was up before Cas could even call his name.

"Thought you had forgotten about me," Dean smirked as he walked past Cas right into the room. Cas tried not to hear the flirty tone of Dean's voice.

"Did the blisters heal as quickly as they did the first time?" Cas asked once back behind his computer.

"Yeah, haven't needed the bandages in a week. Do you think we could cut the time between appointments to two weeks?" Dean asked. Cas glanced up at him before turning his attention back to the computer.

"Like I said last time, it's better to let your skin fully heal between the treatments. I know you want to get rid of your soulmate tattoo as quickly as possible, but we have to think about the scarring it'll leave, too." Castiel sighed. _Just another patient._

"Okay, I guess you know better than I do."

"Well, one of us went to med school for a decade." Cas pointed out without looking away from the computer screen. To his surprise, he heard Dean laughing.

"You're right, you're right. I'll stop asking about it and just trust your word." Dean smiled. Damn it, his smile was gorgeous. Cas wanted to throw a stapler at his face to make him stop smiling.

"Thank you. Take off your shirt and I'll get the anesthetic ready." Cas saved the changes he had made to Dean's patient file and went to prepare everything while Dean stripped out of his shirt.

"I'm gonna go over the wing today, I let it rest last time to work on the colors. I think the wing is going to take the longest to get rid off since it's black. The lighter colors are usually easier to remove, if we're lucky they'll be gone after the second time I go over them." Castiel spoke as he needled the local anesthetic into Dean's side.

"Okay, cool." Dean nodded, watching Castiel as they waited for Dean's side to go numb. Cas felt awkward under Dean's gaze and he had to turn away, breaking the eye contact.

After a couple of minutes, he pressed his finger in the middle of Dean's tattoo. "Can you feel that?"

"Nope. We're good to go." Dean grinned. Cas put on the glasses and picked up the laser.

Cas knew the tattoo removal hurt like hell, even under the local anesthetic, but Dean had barely flinched more than a couple of times in total. His pain tolerance was really high, usually people were clutching the edges of the chair during the procedure, but Dean didn't seem to mind at all.

Cas worked over the wing for the second time, and it hurt his soul almost as much as it had the first time, only this time he wasn't in shock. Just, removing his soulmate's tattoo, no big deal.

"Do you think you'll ever regret this?" Castiel's mouth spilled out without his permission.

"Nah. I've made my mind a long time ago, this was the best decision I've ever made," Dean said confidently, making Cas wonder once again why he had to torture himself by asking Dean these questions.

"What about when you meet your soulmate? What if you fall in love but they won't believe you're their soulmate because you have nothing to prove it with?"

Dean chuckled but there was no humor in it.

"I'm thirty. Everyone finds their soulmate before they turn 25. I'm not even sure if I have a soulmate." Dean shrugged.

"That's not true, and you have the tattoo. Had. I've heard of people who never get their tattoo because they don't have a soulmate, but everyone who has it also has a soulmate. And somehow they always find their way to each other, sooner or later." Castiel reasoned. Dean turned to glare at him.

"Dude, would you stop that? I told you during my first appointment that I don't want a soulmate, and I meant it. I don't care who they are, I'm not interested. I don't need to worry about them not believing me or even meeting them because I don't want them!" Dean was almost yelling. Cas hoped the dark glasses he was wearing hid the fear and sadness in his eyes.

"Right, of course. I'm sorry, I stepped over a line, won't happen again," he apologized quickly.

He should've just kept his mouth shut. He didn't need to hear it a million times that his soulmate didn't want nor care about him, he had gotten the message loud and clear the first time they met. For several minutes he concentrated on two things; removing Dean's tattoo and keeping his breathing even.

"Hey, I'm sorry for raising my voice like that. I just... I've made my mind a long time ago and I'm not gonna change it, ever," Dean said calmly, his voice quiet.

_Oh god, please stop repeating that,_ Cas thought to himself.

"Yes, yes of course. I'm sorry for sticking my nose in where it's not wanted." He didn't look up at Dean, didn't want to see those green eyes staring at him.

"It's cool, Doc. I have a bit of a short temper at times, but I'm working on it." Dean chuckled.

"You don't have to explain yourself, I'm just here to remove your tattoo, that's all. You're not the first patient who's ever yelled at my face, don't worry, I'm used to it." Cas shrugged, pulling the laser away for a moment, checking his progress before leaning back in.

"Man, people can be such douchebags. Me included. No one should be used to people yelling at them." Dean shook his head.

"I treat people with a lot of different kinds of deceases and sometimes emotions take over, it's understandable."

"Hm. I would get so fucking mad if someone came to my work and started yelling at me, but you're just so... Cool with it." Dean wondered.

"What do you do for a living, if you don't mind me asking?" Castiel glanced up at him just long enough to see a wide smile spreading on Dean's lips.

"No, I don't mind you asking, don't worry about it. I work at a daycare. So basically, I’m a nanny,” Dean chuckled. Castiel blinked and looked up at him.

“Oh. That's… surprising,” he said slowly. Dean cocked his head to the side, his brow furrowed.

“Why so?”

“I don’t know, I guess I expected you to have a…” Cas stopped, trying to phrase his words right. “I thought you’d be a mechanic or a cop or… something like that. You don’t seem to be the nanny type.”

“Because I’m a dude?”

“No! That’s not what I meant. You’re, uh… A little rough around the edges. You seem to go from zero to hundred in a blink.” Castiel explained carefully. Dean just stared at him, unblinking. Cas cleared his throat before looking down.

“I’m sorry, I’m doing it again, pushing my nose into your business.” He shook his head before leaning forward again to continue working on Dean’s tattoo.

“It’s okay, Doc. You’re right, kind of. I can get mad very quickly, but only about a couple of things.” Dean turned to look straight forward. Cas glanced up at him.

“Like soulmates.”

Dean chuckled, “yes, that’s one thing. The biggest, maybe. But I don’t mind being kicked, or getting glitter thrown all over me even though I know I’ll find it in my hair weeks later. Kids can be wild, stubborn, loud, but in the end, they’re pretty cool. I like working with kids.” He smiled gently, a soft smile Cas had never seen on his face before.

“It sounds like you really enjoy your job,” Cas commented.

“Yeah, I do. It’s awesome, every day is different than the one before. And you never get bored with twenty kids running around you.” Dean grinned. Cas just nodded as a response. It was quiet for a long moment until Dean cleared his throat.

“Hey, uh… I know I already apologized but I do feel really shitty about yelling at you. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Castiel sighed as he pulled the laser from Dean’s skin, straightening up on his seat.

“And I already told you it was okay. I have a bad habit of invading other people’s personal matters, it’s probably good that someone puts me in my place every now and then.” Cas shrugged.

“I shouldn’t have raised my voice. Can you forgive me?” Dean looked at him with wide, hopeful eyes. Even if Cas had wanted, he couldn’t have said no to him.

“Of course. I’m sorry for saying what I said, I understand that it’s none of my business.” _Except that it kind of is._

“It’s okay. So, we cool now?” The corner of Dean’s lip pulled up a little.

“Yes, we’re cool,” Cas nodded, hating the fact that he was smiling too.

“Hey Doctor Novak, what’s your first name?” Dean suddenly asked. “I mean, this is the third time I’m here and we always chat a lot so, I don’t know, just been kinda… Wondering what your name is? Or should I just keep calling you Doc?”

“I’m Castiel. Or Cas, whichever is okay with me. But never call me Cassie!” Cas pointed a finger at Dean’s face, making him crack up.

“Okay, Roger that. Castiel, huh? I’m guessing there’s a story there,” Dean asked.

Cas looked down to the almost completely erased wing on Dean’s side. If Dean knew where Castiel got his name from, would he be able to put all the pieces together? He quickly looked back up at Dean’s eyes.

“Weird parents,” was his only answer. Dean chuckled, shaking his head.

“You wouldn’t even believe the names they give kids these days, Jesus Christ. Sometimes it seems like parents just take a name and throw some random letters to the end of it to make it a mile long. They’re horrible. Compared to a lot of them, your name is pretty cool actually. I like it, Castiel,” Dean pronounced the name slowly, letting every letter roll on his tongue. The way he said it made a shiver run down Cas’ back.

“Uh, thank you. I guess.” Cas blinked, making Dean smile.

It didn’t take much longer until Cas had gone over the entire wing. He cleaned the area and bandaged it up. His hands didn’t want to leave Dean’s warm skin but he pulled them away, quickly standing up as soon as he was done to put some space between them.

“I trust you know by now how to take care of it,” he said as he walked to his desk. Dean pushed up from the chair, reached for his shirt and pulled it on. Summer was rolling in quickly so Dean was wearing just a t-shirt.

“You’ve praised me for taking such a good care of it each time I’ve come back here, so I guess so?” Dean grinned so widely that Cas wanted to smack him.

“Of course. I’m setting your next appointment to three weeks from now, it has seemed to work well for your skin.” Castiel said as he typed it into Dean’s information.

“Works for me.” Dean shrugged.

Cas gave Dean the details of his next appointment and soon after that Dean was gone. Cas wasn’t sure if he’d ever get used to seeing Dean walk out of the room, away from him. Good thing was that if everything went well, he wouldn’t have to see that for more than three or four times again.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Cas. The usual?” Charlie grinned from behind the counter as Castiel stepped into the coffee shop.

“Actually no, not this time. I think I’ll go with a black tea this time.” Castiel smiled, stopping right in front of her.

“Tea? For you? What happened to your coffee addiction?” Charlie’s brow furrowed. She didn’t make a move to actually fill Cas’ order. Cas chuckled, looking down as he shook his head.

“I don’t know. Maybe I realized I drink too much coffee. Or maybe my life is just a mess these days and I need something, anything to change.” He shrugged. Charlie studied his face for a long moment before slowly turning around to prepare the tea for him.

“Does this have something to do with Dean?” Charlie asked, looking at him from over her shoulder. Cas sighed, turning his head so that he didn’t have to see the pity on her face. When Cas didn’t answer, Charlie continued.

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“Nine days ago,” Castiel answered immediately. It had been nine days and three hours since Dean left the clinic after his third appointment. Cas didn’t want to remember it, he hated that he knew exactly how many hours it had been since the last time he saw him, but he couldn’t help it. He was naturally drawn to his soulmate, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. Cas was scared that he’d never get over Dean, that he’d be 90 years old, sitting alone in a small room in some care home, crying about how he never got to be with his soulmate.

Charlie put a lid on the takeaway cup before sliding it across the counter to Castiel.

“Maybe he’ll come around one day. Things like this usually have the habit of working themselves out,” Charlie said gently. Castiel appreciated that she was trying to help, but she was wrong.

“He’s never even going to find out. I’m not going to tell him.”

“Maybe you should.” Charlie tried.

“No, I really shouldn’t. I have to go. I’ll see you later, Charlie,” Cas snapped, dropping five dollars on the counter before taking his tea and heading towards the door.

“Movie night on Friday?” Charlie called after him, making Castiel slow down. He stopped completely, sighed and turned around.

“Sure. Text me about it.” He smiled at his friend before waving a goodbye and pushing the door open.

He took a sip of his tea as he walked through the sea of people. He grimaced, looking at the to-go cup like it had personally offended him. Why the hell had he bought tea? He hated tea. He dropped the almost full cup into the next trashcan he passed on his way home. He’d make some coffee once he’d get there.

 

* * *

 

It almost felt like the time between Dean’s appointments was flying, and on a Wednesday morning, Cas found the name Dean Winchester scheduled up for 2 pm for tattoo removal. Castiel knew it was already time for Dean’s next session, he had counted the days from his latest appointment until this day, but it still felt like it came surprisingly soon.

He wasn’t even sure how he felt about Dean’s appointments anymore. He had been angry, nervous and anxious of them before, but now he felt something else. Something warm that made him wish it’d be 2 pm already even though the rational part of him told him that there was no reason to feel happy about seeing Dean again when these appointments would be the only interaction between them he’d ever get.

What he was truly happy about was that his favorite patient, the old lady who had survived skin cancer, would be coming in at 10 am. Castiel smiled as he closed his daily schedule. Her presence and words always helped Castiel to calm down. Maybe if he paid her, she’d come back to just hang around for Dean’s appointment. Castiel chuckled to his ridiculous idea. If only.

Castiel let out a deep breath when she walked into his room exactly at 10 am. He watched as she carefully placed her purse and the thin jacket she’d been wearing on the back of a chair before taking a seat.

“Why are you acting so weird?” Henrietta asked without even turning to look at him. Cas blinked, jumping into action. He quickly walked past her to his computer and sat down.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m getting a weird energy from you. Is something wrong?” She stared at his face, squinting her eyes at him like she was trying to read him.

“Just some personal issues, I don’t want to burden you with them.” Cas shook his head, crossing his hands over the desk.

“Young man, for a long time now we’ve had this little thing going on where we listen to each other’s whining. You’re like a psychologist to me, and I’m to you. Of course, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I want you to know I’m here if you need me,” she said, sounding both sweet and stern at the same time.

Castiel sighed, staring down to his own hands for a moment until he looked back up at her waiting eyes.

“I’ve met my soulmate but I haven’t told him that because he said he doesn’t want a soulmate. So, that’s what’s wrong, in a nutshell.” He confessed quickly. Her eyes widened in surprise, then sadness took over her features.

“I am so sorry to hear that, son. What is his problem, exactly?” She asked gently.

“Apparently he had been with someone he loved greatly, but then that person found their soulmate and left him. I think he’s still bitter about it. He gave me a long speech of all the reasons why he doesn’t want a soulmate and how he doesn’t care about…” Castiel swallowed, the feelings rushing back up to the surface. He felt a warm, soft hand gently grabbing his. When he looked up, Henrietta was staring at him with so much sadness in her eyes that it made his heart ache.

“I can’t even imagine what that feels like, it must be awful. Sounds like that boy has some issues to go through.” She whispered. Castiel huffed a humorless laugh.

“Yes, he does.”

“How did you meet? How do you know he’s your soulmate but he doesn’t?”

“He’s actually a patient of mine. He came to get his soulmate tattoo removed.”

Henrietta gasped loudly, pulling her hand away like it had been burned.

“What?” She sounded scandalized.

“Yes, he wanted to get rid of it because he really, really doesn’t want a soulmate.” Castiel shook his head.

“Tell me you didn’t do it!”

“Of course I did, I had to. I’ve removed them before when people have lost their soulmate, I couldn’t turn him away just because, you know.” Castiel gestured with his hand. Henrietta’s mouth was hanging open, her hand pressed dramatically to her chest.

“It’s more common these days to get it removed, a lot of people do it. Well, usually not in a situation like this, but still.” Castiel shrugged, acting like it was nothing.

“You have to tell him the truth!” Henrietta gasped.

“No. I can’t and I won’t. It would do no good to anyone, especially me. I’ll be okay, Henrietta. Maybe I’ll find someone who was born without a soulmate, or if I don’t, well... I have a loving family and amazing friends. I can be happy and have a fulfilling life without a soulmate.” He almost believed his own words.

Henrietta stared at him for a long time, the shock slowly slipping away. Suddenly she rolled her eyes at him.

“I can tell you and your soulmate have something in common.” She huffed.

“What is that?”

“You’re both stupid and stubborn. Why are you stomping on your own happiness? I’m sure if you’d tell him he’d come around, if not immediately then eventually. He’d be crazy to not love you.”

“I highly doubt that.” Castiel sighed.

“Soulmates are naturally drawn to each other, I bet he’s thinking about you right now, hoping he could see you again. Once you’ve met them, you’re eventually going to end up together, even though you don’t know it right away. It happens to everyone, there’s no stopping it. And in your case, he’s going to find out sooner or later, so I’d suggest you tell him as soon as you can.” She lectured him.

“I can’t tell him, Henrietta. I just can’t. He already broke my heart without even realizing it, I don’t need him to destroy it even more on purpose. Okay, we have wasted ten minutes of your appointment talking about my sad, pathetic life. Let’s start with blood samples.” Castiel ended the conversation, pushing up from his chair. Henrietta didn’t argue after that.

Half an hour later they were done. Cas opened the door for her but she turned around to face him.

“Tell him!” She whispered, her tone commanding.

“You and I both know I’m not going to do that.” Castiel smiled sweetly.

“Stubborn and stupid,” she muttered before turning around and walking out of the room, leaving Castiel feeling anxious instead of the light, empowered calmness that he usually felt after her appointments. He closed the door with a sigh, glancing at the clock. He still had a few more hours before Dean would show up.

 

* * *

 

“Hello, Dean. Please, have a seat.”

“Thanks, Cas. Before you ask, yes, the blisters healed just as quickly as they did the last time, and the time before that. Dude, you’re really good at what you do, there’s barely any scarring on my side!” Dean grinned widely as he sat down, pulling his right leg on top of the other.

“Thank you, I’m glad to hear that. I’m guessing you haven’t been bandaging it lately?” Castiel asked while digging up Dean’s patient information.

“No, stopped wrapping it up about a week ago as soon as the blisters were gone. Is that bad?”

Cas turned to look at him. “No, not at all. It’s good to let your skin breathe between treatments. Let me just update your file and we’ll take a look at it, okay?” He turned back towards the screen.

“Yeah, sure.” Dean stood up and pulled his t-shirt off, carelessly tossing it on the chair. Castiel concentrated on typing, forbidding himself from looking up at Dean. There wasn’t much to add, and less than a minute later he saved the file before pushing himself up from the chair. Dean lifted his arm up as soon as Cas took a step towards him, exposing the faded tattoo on his side. Castiel tried to keep his breathing steady but his intake was a little shaky when his eyes landed on it. He had thought that it’d get easier over time, but that had been a childish wish. He just hoped the hurt didn’t show on his face.

“It has healed nicely. Once the tattoo is gone I think we might have to treat your scars for just once or twice.” Castiel said as he studied the skin. The wings were barely there anymore, light grey lines on Dean’s side, like a receipt that had been left out in the sun for weeks; faded, but still barely there.

“I think we’ll have to go over the wing one more time, but let's erase the rest of the colors today, they probably won’t need more than that, they’re almost gone already,” Castiel continued, mentally patting himself on the back for how steady his voice was. He wished it’d be a Friday so he could get drunk after work, cry alone on his couch until he’d fall asleep. It sounded like an awesome plan, but of course, he couldn’t do it, the week wasn’t over yet.

“So, one more appointment after this?” Dean grinned, sounding so happy and excited that Cas wanted to punch him for it. He straightened up from where he had been studying Dean’s tattoo and quickly walked past him to get his equipment.

“Yes, one more and then your soulmate tattoo is all gone. Then we’ll have to wait for at least a month, maybe two, before we can start healing your scars.” Castiel nodded while pulling on the vinyl gloves, his back turned to Dean.

“Awesome! I can’t wait to get this over with!”

_Neither can I_ , Cas left unsaid. The torture had lasted for months now and Castiel was more than ready for Dean to walk out of his life for good, for him to take the pain with him as he’d leave. Between their appointments, Cas was feeling almost numb, nothing could touch or hurt him, but when around Dean… That fog disappeared and he was left open, raw, every nerve end exposed, and every word coming out of Dean’s mouth hurt like getting stabbed with a hot knife. He wanted to be numb, wanted to be like a rock; cold, hard, unbreakable. When Dean would be gone from his life he could be just that, when no one was there to rip him open like Dean did just by being there. It was all too much, Dean was too much.

“Shall we begin, then?” Castiel asked, pushing the dark glasses on his face. Dean hopped onto the chair, grinning as Cas gave him the local anesthetic.

After Dean’s side had gone numb Cas started to go over the blue color on his side. He had always loved how big and bold his tattoo was. He had liked to imagine that the size of it represented how their love would have no limits. The sizes of the soulmate tattoos varied a lot, some had just a small, teeny-tiny tattoo on their body, and Cas had always felt proud of his huge, in your face, colorful tattoo. But now, as he was removing it from his soulmate’s skin he hated how big it was, wished their tattoo would’ve been a tiny one so that removing it would’ve taken just one appointment. He would’ve suffered that one time and then he could’ve started the process of working through it, he could’ve moved on. But destiny was cruel, and the universe had decided that he should suffer for months before he could finally put all of this behind him.

“You’re awfully quiet today,” Dean said, pulling Cas back from his thoughts. Casa blinked but didn’t look up at him, keeping his eyes on the blue color that was being eaten away by the laser, little by little.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. I just… Have a lot on my mind.” He shrugged.

“Anything you want to share with the class?” Cas could hear the grin in Dean’s voice, but there was also something else there that Cas quite couldn’t name.

_‘You have to tell him the truth’_ Henrietta’s words echoed in Cas’ head. He let out a long sigh, shaking his head.

“Uh, not really. It’s personal, so…”

“Yeah, I totally understand, man. Didn’t mean to pry, my bad.” Dean hurried to say.

“It’s okay, Dean.” Cas smiled weakly. It was quiet in the room for several minutes but it wasn’t exactly awkward.

“You going to the opening of the new pier this Friday?” Dean asked. Cas stopped, looking up at him.

“What?”

Dean turned to look at him with wide eyes. “Haven’t you heard? They redid the entire pier and they’re opening it to the public this Friday. There’s a fuck ton of new restaurants, bars and stores, and everything is basically half-free the whole night. You can eat well and get drunk for cheaper than you ever have before,” Dean explained excitedly, smiling widely.

“Oh, that sounds fun. I haven’t really been keeping up with what’s going on in the area.” Cas shrugged, turning his attention back to Dean’s tattoo. It’d take at least 40 minutes until he’ll be done for today. Just as he was about to put the laser back on Dean’s skin, Dean’s words made him stop.

“Hey, we should totally go there together!”

Cas froze, staring right in front of him for a few seconds before slowly looking back up at his soulmate who kind of just asked him out.

“What?” Cas asked for the second time in about two minutes.

“I mean, I really wanna go there but all my friends are stuck at work that night, and I don’t know… I mean, you seem like a cool dude so why not? We could hang out, try all different kinds of restaurants, get a little drunk and get to know each other a little better.” Dean shrugged. Cas couldn’t do more than just stare at him, his mouth slightly open.

He should say no, this was a terrible, horrible, disastrous idea. The last thing they should do was to hang out outside of the tattoo removal appointments. He should definitely say no, and he should make it clear that nothing like what Dean was suggesting would ever happen.

“You’re my patient,” was all that Cas could get out of his mouth.

“So? I’m not asking you out on a date, I just thought we could be friends and, you know, hang out.” Dean shrugged.

_Oh, of course. Stupid Castiel, thinking that Dean was interested in him like that._ And it was good that he wasn’t because Cas should say no, he should definitely say—

“Yeah, okay. It could be fun.”

“Great! After you’re done torturing me with the laser I’ll give you my number. I could come pick you up on Friday, I think the event officially starts at five, you wanna go right then or a little later?” Dean spoke quickly, obviously excited.

“I’ll be at work until around five that day, and I’d like to go home to change before we go, so maybe around seven?” Cas suggested while yelling at himself inside his head about what a huge mistake he was making. Seeing Dean once a month was already painful enough, he didn’t have to go get dinner with him.

“Sounds good to me.” Dean smiled brightly.

This was going to be a disaster.

 

* * *

 

Later that day as Cas was laying on his couch, thinking about what a stupid decision he had made, he remembered that he already had planned a movie night with Charlie for Friday night, like they did almost every week. Charlie’s soulmate Gilda was a nurse and she worked the night shift almost every weekend, and Cas wanted someone to hang out with without going out to get wasted, so the movie night on Fridays had quickly turned into a tradition. Anna joined them often, and so did Gilda if she happened to have the night off. Sometimes more of their friends joined them, but that didn’t happen often. Most of the time it was just Cas and Charlie.

His plans with Charlie could be the perfect excuse to cancel the not-a-date date with Dean. He could just say that he forgot he had already made plans that he really couldn’t cancel anymore, lie that he was sorry and suggest that they’d do something else some other time, and then dodge the question if Dean ever asked him out again. As friends, of course. He grabbed his phone from the coffee table, swiped through his contacts until he stopped at the one saved as Dean W. He stared at it for a minute, gathering his courage to call him and cancel. At the last second, he scrolled up a couple of names and hit ‘call’ on Charlie’s contact.

“Hey, nerd!” Charlie answered after just a few seconds.

“What were you playing?” Cas asked teasingly.

“What makes you think I was playing anything?”

“You basically answered before I had even hit ‘call’. Is it some new game? Do you think I’d like it?” Cas smiled.

“Maybe, you just need to move numbered blocks together and try to get to 2048. It’s good to kill some time with,” Charlie told him.

“Sounds boring.” Cas shrugged.

“You sound boring. What’s up?”

“I might have to take a rain check on our movie night this week.” Cas grimaced, waiting for her reaction.

“What? Dude, why? I had an awesome movie in mind, you would’ve loved it!” Charlie whined loudly, obviously disappointed.

“What movie?” Castiel got curious.

“Well, you’re never gonna find out now. You’ve never canceled our movie nights, what’s wrong? Are you getting sick?” She sounded worried.

“No, no I’m fine. Uh, actually… Dean asked me to go to the re-opening of the pier with him.” Cas admitted quietly.

“What?” Charlie yelled. “Wait, what? He asked you out?”

“Just as a friend, it’s not a date.” Castiel hurried to correct her.

“Holy fuck. Oh my god, holy shit.” Charlie repeated over and over. “So you’re gonna tell him, then?”

“No? Why would I?” Castiel furrowed his brow.

“If you’re gonna start hanging out with him, you should probably tell him,” Charlie reasoned.

“I’m not gonna _start hanging out with him_. He just asked me to go to this one event with him, this won’t be a thing that’s gonna happen more than this one time. I don’t even know why I said yes, I should have told him no and to make sure he’d never ask anything like that again.” Cas shook his head.

“You know exactly why you said yes, and you know why he even asked. He doesn’t know, but you do.” Charlie said gently. Castiel swallowed hard, staring up at the ceiling.

“Because there’s a connection between me and him?” He tried to make it sound sarcastic but it ended up having more of a hopeful tone in it.

“Yes, exactly. He doesn’t know you’re soulmates but his soul knows it. You’re drawn to each other, that’s what happens when you meet your soulmate.”

“I know, I know, I’ve heard that before,” Cas sighed.

“I accept your reason for bailing on me, just… Don’t get hurt, okay?” Charlie breathed out.

“I’m already hurting in a million different ways. I don’t know if it can get any worse.” Cas chuckled darkly.

“Are you sure you want to do it? You could call him and cancel.”

“I was actually going to, but I couldn’t. I—Some part of me wants to go with him, no matter what. I’m probably gonna regret this later, but… I don’t know. He’s still my soulmate. If this is all I’m ever gonna get with him then I should take it, right?”

“Yeah, maybe. Don’t get your hopes up, and if he hurts you, Anna and I could still kill him. Just say the word.” Cas could hear the grin in her voice, and it made him smile too.

“Of course. I promise I won’t cancel a single movie night after this one, does that make it any better?”

“I already said I accept your reason for canceling, it’s cool. I’m just worried about you. Have you told Anna yet?”

“Not yet. Maybe I should call her too. She might still be at work, though.” Castiel wondered out loud.

“Mhh.”

“Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I making a huge mistake?” Castiel asked quietly.

“I don’t know. Maybe. You won’t know until you’ve done it.”

“Yeah, I guess so…” Cas sighed.

“Hey, if everything goes to shit, you can cry against my shoulder. We’re here for you, me, Anna and Gilda. You won’t be left alone, no matter what.” Charlie reminded him.

“Thank you. You know I love you, right?” Cas whispered.

“I know. I love you too, but don’t tell Gilda, she might get jealous,” Charlie stage whispered, making Cas crack up.

“She should, I’m a huge threat to your relationship,” Cas laughed.

“The biggest. Okay, wife stealer, I gotta go. Be careful and let me know if I need to kill him,” Charlie said. Cas could hear her moving, by the sound of it, she was getting ready to get out the door.

“I will. Thank you.”

“Bye, Cas.”

“Goodbye, Charlie.”

Cas tossed the phone on the table, flopped back down on the couch and let out a deep breath. He was nervous about Friday, but also a little excited, even though the rational part of him tried to tell him that there was nothing to be excited about. Friday night would be nothing but a painful disaster.


	4. Just two guys hanging out

Cas had just enough time to shower and change his clothes after work before seven o’clock. He stood in front of his mirror, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. He’d have to take his leather jacket with him in case it got chilly later. He smoothed his hands over the grey shirt, breathing in and out slowly.

“Just this one time,” he whispered to himself. “Just another patient.”

He realized that it didn’t work anymore; he never went out, not even as friends, with any of his patients. That made Dean different from the rest of them, he wasn’t just another patient anymore, he was more than that. He pulled his lungs full of air, held it in for a few seconds before releasing it.

“Just this one time.”

His phone started ringing on the bed, making him jump. He rushed to it, his chest tightening when he saw Dean’s name on the screen. With a shaky hand, he swiped the screen before lifting the phone to his ear.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas. I’m outside your house. Or at least I hope I am.” Dean sounded a little unsure.

“Alright, I’ll be right outside.” Castiel grabbed his jacket, made sure he had his keys and wallet with him as he made his way to the door.

“Okay. Look for a big black car, that’s me.” Dean told him. Cas stepped outside, looked up and down the street until his eyes landed on a black car.

“You’re in front of my neighbor’s house, but close enough,” Cas chuckled as he started to walk towards the car.

“Just get in the car, Doc.” Dean laughed before hanging up. Cas shoved his phone into his pocket and just a few steps later he pulled the car door open and hopped in.

“Fancy neighborhood,” Dean commented immediately.

“Uh, thank you? I guess?” Castiel answered awkwardly.

“I guess the doctor’s salary doesn’t hurt, huh?” Dean continued as he started to drive towards their destination. If there wasn't a lot of traffic they’d be at the pier in about fifteen minutes.

“I could easily manage on less if I’m being honest.” Cas shrugged.

“Maybe, but your job is important, you save people on a daily basis, you deserve to get paid a crap ton of money for it,” Dean reasoned.

“You know I’m just a dermatologist, right?” Cas turned to look at him, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yes, but uh, I read online that you guys treat people with skin cancer too. That’s pretty huge if you ask me.” Dean kept his eyes on the road. Cas stared at him for a moment before saying anything.

“You’ve googled me?”

Dean turned his head to look at him, a slight blush on his cheeks.

“No! I googled your job. I mean, not _your_ job, but before I booked my first appointment I read up about what dermatologists do.” Dean explained quickly.

“Ah, okay. I was getting a little stalker vibes from you for a moment there,” Cas teased, making Dean laugh.

“I’m not, I promise. Don’t ask about my knife related hobbies, though,” Dean joked.

“Okay, I’ll just call a friend really quick, uh, what was his number again? Ah, right, 911. I’ll just make a quick call if you don’t mind,” Cas pretended to pull his phone out of his pocket. Dean cracked up completely, barely keeping the car on the road.

“Five minutes in and you’re already calling the cops on me, nice start, pal,” Dean laughed. Cas smiled at him widely, thinking about how nice Dean’s laughter sounded.

“So, expecting that you stabbing me isn’t part of the plan for tonight, what are we gonna do?” Cas grinned once Dean had stopped laughing.

“Don’t know about you but I could eat. I looked it up online and there’s supposed to be a really cool burger place in there, but we can walk around to see if there’s anything even more delicious.” Dean told him.

“Burgers sound great right now.” Cas nodded. Dean turned to look at him again, a smile on his lips.

“Knew you were cool,” he grinned. Cas turned to look down, then towards the road.

Joking and hanging out with Dean felt way too easy, a lot easier than Cas could have imagined considering how they met. He hoped the rest of the night would go just as smoothly as the first ten minutes had. But then again, if they got along perfectly Dean would probably want to hang out again.

Cas decided to worry about it later as the lights from the pier drew his attention to them.

They had to search for a parking spot for a while until they found one when another car left. Dean grinned at him as he killed the engine and they stepped out to the slowly cooling evening.

“You wanna see the other restaurants or should we head straight to the burger place?” Dean asked as they were walking towards the pier. Cas turned to look at him.

“You’re starving, aren’t you?” He grinned.

“Didn’t have time to take a lunch break today so I’m about three minutes from dying.”

“Let’s go get you something to eat, then.” Castiel nodded.

To their luck, the burger place wasn’t far, and as they found a small table just big enough for the both of them, Cas started to feel a little anxious. It felt an awful lot like a date.

“So, what’s so special about this place?” he asked, hanging his leather jacket on the back of his chair before picking up the menu.

“They use only local ingredients, all the vegetables come from the nearest fields, the meat comes from farms right outside the city, and they make everything from scratch here. This ain’t no McDonalds, this is like luxury burgers, good enough for a doctor,” Dean winked, making Cas roll his eyes.

“A greasy burger from the dirtiest joint at 4 am is good enough for this doctor,” he grunted. Dean chuckled, shaking his head a little.

“I’m just messing with you. Find anything you like?” Dean picked up a menu for himself and started to go through it.

“I think I’ll go with a double cheese burger,” Castiel pondered, still eyeing the menu. From the corner of his eye, he could see Dean looking up at him.

“Dude. They got all kinds of special burgers on the list and you’re going with a double cheese?” Dean sounded offended.

“I really, really like cheese. Like, a lot.” Cas smiled. Dean stared at him for a moment until he shrugged, turning his attention back to the menu.

“Alright then. I’m gonna go with something a bit more exciting.”

“The one with mushrooms sounds delicious too, if I wasn’t craving cheese so much at the moment I’d take that one,” Cas commented.

“Which number is it?”

“8.”

“Eight…. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that sounds pretty damn good. I think I’ll get that one.” Dean nodded once he had read the description. Right at that moment, a waitress walked up to them, smiling brightly.

“Good evening. What can I get you?”

“Hello. I’ll have the double cheese burger and a beer, thank you.” Castiel smiled at her. She wrote his order down before turning towards Dean.

“I’ll have the number eight. Could you also get a plateful of melted cheese for my friend here?” Dean gestured towards Castiel. The girl’s eyes widened a little and she turned her confused face to Castiel.

“He’s joking. What do you want to drink, Dean?” Cas rolled his eyes.

“You okay if I take a beer, too? Just one, since I’m driving.” Dean asked him.

“Yes, of course.”

The confused girl wrote the rest of their order down before quickly disappearing into the kitchen. Cas leaned over the table a little.

“Don’t mess with the staff. This is probably her first day at her first job,” he chastised Dean, but couldn’t keep the smile from his lips.

“You’re right. The look on her face was priceless though.” Dean chuckled.

“It was. One day someone is actually going to order a plateful of melted cheese and she’s gonna think it’s a joke,” Cas grinned.

“That someone is probably gonna be you,” Dean teased.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I’m keeping my weird eating habits strictly inside the safety of my own home where no one else can see me.” Cas laughed.

“Of course, I’m sorry for assuming anything else.” Dean raised his hands as a surrender, leaning back in his chair. Cas leaned back too, suddenly realizing how close they had been to each other. He pulled his hands into his lap and looked down at them.

Their waitress came by to bring them their beers and to tell them that their food would arrive soon. Dean and Cas thanked her at the same time and then she was gone.

“How was work today?” Dean asked. He sounded a little awkward, but Cas didn’t know why. When he looked up at him, Dean was staring at him nervously.

“Uh, it was okay. I’m not allowed to talk about my patients so there isn’t really much I can share…” Castiel answered, fidgeting in his seat.

“Right, of course. Didn’t think of that, sorry.” Dean smiled apologetically.

“It’s okay.”

An awkward silence fell over them. Cas could hear Henrietta’s voice in his head again, telling him to come clean, to tell Dean the truth. It was followed by Dean’s voice repeating how he didn’t want a soulmate, how he didn’t care about them no matter who it was. Cas felt stupid. Why had he even come here, what did he think he’d get out of this? To spend a little time with his soulmate so that he’d have more to be bitter about on his deathbed?

“Hey, you okay?” Dean’s gentle voice felt like a soft touch on the side of his face. Cas took a shaky breath before finally looking up at him.

“Yeah, yes. This is just so… I’ve never spent any time with any of my patients like this, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do or how I’m expected to act.” It wasn’t a complete lie. He took a quick sip of his beer, wishing that he had ordered something stronger.

“Just be yourself, you don’t have to act any certain kind of way. Look, I think you’re pretty cool, and I wanna be friends with you. So, just, be yourself. Don’t think about me as a patient, think about me as a friend. A future friend. I don’t know.” Dean let out a deep sigh.

“Okay. I’m sorry I’m being weird.” Castiel chuckled nervously.

“It’s cool, man. I’m not sure if it’s even okay to ask your doctor to hang out with you but…” Dean shrugged but never finished his sentence.

“It’s not common but there are no rules against making friends,” Cas pointed out.

“Yeah, okay.” Dean smiled weakly.

Their food arrived a minute later, and Cas had to admit that it smelled better than any burger he had ever had before. Opposite from him Dean picked up his burger and took a huge bite, his eyes closing as soon as he started chewing.

"Oh. Oh, this is good. Oh, my god, this is so good," Dean mumbled with his mouth still full. Cas bit his lip not to laugh at him.

"Sure sounds like it," he snickered. Dean opened his eyes to look at him.

"Try yours." Dean nodded towards Cas' burger. Cas reached towards his fork and knife, but then looked up at Dean who was holding his burger with both hands, practically shoving it into his mouth, so Cas did the same. He lifted the huge, cheese filled burger up to his mouth and took a bite. All the flavors exploded in his mouth immediately, making him sigh happily.

"Good, isn't it?" Dean grinned, his cheeks full of food when Cas turned his gaze to him. Unlike Dean, Cas chewed and swallowed before opening his mouth again.

"It's delicious. All the flavors go together perfectly, and the cheese!" He praised before taking another bite. Dean smiled at him before biting into his own burger again.

They finished their meals quite quickly, and then just sat there sipping on their beers while chatting.

"How did you know about this place?" Cas asked, looking around before turning his attention back to Dean.

"They had a restaurant up on the 3rd street, probably still do. I've been there many times so when I saw they're opening another restaurant to the pier I just had to come try it out," Dean explained. Cas nodded, swallowing a mouthful of beer.

"So, what do you want to do next?" Cas asked, swirling his almost empty glass.

"There's a record store somewhere here, they sell old vinyl records, so I wanna check that out." Dean smiled widely, seeming a little excited.

"Didn't imagine you to be a music nerd." Cas grinned, making Dean roll his eyes.

"Dude, everyone knows classic rock sounds a million times better played on an old vinyl than anything else! If they have Zep or Metallica on vinyl I'm gonna lose my shit."

Cas chuckled as he lifted his glass to his lips, finishing his beer quickly.

"Let's go find the place, then. I'd very much like to see you losing your shit," he teased, standing up. Dean finished his drink in one huge gulp before following Cas to the counter to pay.

When they stepped outside they noticed that there was, if possible, even more people at the pier than there had been earlier. Cas turned to look at Dean, who was already staring at him.

"Which way?" Cas asked, clutching his jacket against his chest. Dean looked around them quickly before his eyes found Castiel's again.

"I have no idea. I don't know where the store is. I guess we could go to the opposite direction of where we came from since we haven't gone past it yet," Dean suggested. Cas nodded before they started to make their way towards the other end of the pier. Cas looked around them as they walked in the sea of people, keeping an eye for a record store. Dean's voice drew his attention back to him.

"Hey, since we don't know each other that well yet, I want to know three facts about you. Something trivial, something that I wouldn't otherwise find out about." Dean smiled. Cas looked at him, blinking a couple of times before chuckling.

"What is this, a _get to know each other_ game from kindergarten?"

"No! Come on, it'll be fun!" Dean grinned.

Cas thought about what he could tell Dean, maybe something about his family or his hobbies, when his brain helpfully suggested that he could tell him about the tattoo. Cas chewed on his lip for a second before looking up at Dean.

"Can I think about them for a moment?"

"Yeah, of course. I can go first!"

"Please, do." Cas nodded, keeping his attention on Dean as they walked.

"Okay, this one is kinda a secret so you have to promise not to tell anyone." Dean looked at him pointedly, and Cas nodded.

"Of course, your secret is safe with me, whatever it is."

"Good. A lot of people have teased me about this and I've always denied it but the truth is... I'm a bit of a germaphobe." Dean looked at him with a serious expression on his face. Cas cracked up, laughing right at Dean's face. The way Dean had started his confession had sounded like he was going to tell Castiel some big dark secret of his.

"What? You're a germaphobe?" He managed to ask.

"Yeah, I mean, a little. I don't like touching door knobs or shaking strangers' hands. Elevator buttons are disgusting and I'm so glad we don't have to use phone booths anymore." Dean listed, shivering as he mentioned phone booths.

"Okay, okay, that's understandable. People have teased you about that?" Castiel calmed down, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, mostly my brother and a couple of friends. They're endlessly amused by my disgust to all the things they manage to throw on me." Dean grimaced.

"That's so cruel. I'd never tease you about something like that," Cas said with a straight face. Dean turned to look at him.

"You're so going to tease the fuck out of me, aren't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I am." Cas grinned. Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Shit. Shouldn't have told you that. Okay, your turn. Gimme something good!" Dean waggled his eyebrows, making Cas snort. He thought about what to tell Dean, some small thing about him that wouldn't reveal too much about him.

"I have a serious addiction." He said, turning to look at Dean who's eyes widened in shock.

"To coffee," Cas added. Dean's whole body visibly relaxed and he let out a breathy laugh.

"Dude, that was so lame. Who isn't addicted to coffee?" Dean grinned.

"Well, first of all, your little fact was pretty lame too. And two, I drink gallons of coffee daily. Can't go on without it. I think by now my blood is 90% coffee. Speaking of coffee, can we make a stop there?" Cas pointed towards a coffee shop a little further on the pier. Dean followed Cas' gaze and laughed when his eyes found the shop.

"Sure thing, let's go get you a fix. So, do you drink just normal coffee or have you moved on to harder stuff? Triple shot of espresso?" Dean teased.

"Mostly normal coffee, black, always. Sometimes espresso." Cas shrugged, walking with purpose towards the coffee place.

Suddenly he felt strong hands grabbing his upper arms and a second later he was being pulled against Dean's side. A couple of kids went past them on their bikes, so close that they almost hit them. Cas stopped, blinking up at Dean who was looking about just as surprised as he was.

"Fucking crazy kids! Are you okay?" Dean let go of him and Cas took a step away from him immediately, his arms tingling from where Dean had gripped him a bit too hard.

"Uh, yeah. Um, thank you." Cas rubbed his arm, looking away from Dean. His leather jacket was draped over his arm, luckily he hadn't dropped it.

"Shit, did I hurt you?" Dean took a step closer to him, reaching his hand towards Cas' arm but then dropped it right before he could touch him.

"No, it's okay. I would've gotten hurt a lot more if those kids had run over me. I'm fine, thanks." Cas smiled weakly. It seemed to make Dean relax again. He patted Cas' shoulder gently, a wide smile on his lips.

"Come on, I'll pay for your coffee as an apology." Dean nodded his head towards the shop.

"No! No, you just saved me. I'll pay for my own coffee," Castiel said quickly.

"But-"

"No buts. We pay for our own drinks, end of discussion." Cas shook his head. Dean snapped his mouth shut, staring at Cas for a few seconds until he nodded.

"Okay, fine. Let's go."

Cas walked behind Dean, following him in the crowd until they found their way to the coffee shop. They both got black coffees to go before stepping back to the pier. Cas took a sip of his huge cup, letting the comforting taste calm him down.

"That's the good stuff," he hummed to himself, his eyes closed.

"Do you two need a moment alone or...?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, if you could leave us for a moment that'd be great." Cas smirked at him, holding the cup close to his chest. Dean cracked up, shaking his head.

"Fucking dork. I can't believe I wanted to be friends with you."

"It's not too late to turn back now," Cas pointed out, shrugging one shoulder.

"What? No, idiot. Don't think you'll be getting rid of me that easy. Can we go find that damn record store now?" Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yes, of course."

They started walking again, side by side as they looked around them. The renovated pier looked great, Cas would have to come back later when there'd be fewer people there. There was a lot of restaurants, clothing stores and all kinds of small booths, they could never go through all of them in one night. When he turned to look at Dean, he was surprised to notice that Dean was already staring at him. Cas felt his cheeks heating up and he turned to look the other way again to hide it from Dean.

"So, uh," Cas cleared his throat, "I think it's your turn to share another fact about yourself."

"Ah, right. Hmm, let me see, what could I tell you?" Dean squinted a little as he thought about it, looking straight forward. Cas took another sip of his coffee that had gone lukewarm by then. He chugged it down quickly before it'd go cold, then started to look for a trashcan.

"Oh, I got a good one!" Dean suddenly chuckled, pulling Cas' attention back to him.

"Okay, let's hear it."

"I was voted the most attractive in high school. Three years in a row," Dean said smugly, waggling his eyebrows at him. Cas rolled his eyes so hard it hurt, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Everyone else in your school must have been hideous."

"Oh, fuck you," Dean barked a laugh, shoving at Cas' shoulder, making him laugh. He spotted a trashcan and went to quickly drop off his empty cup before returning to Dean's side.

"You finished it already?" Dean asked.

"Yeah."

"You took the biggest cup and you still finished it already? I still have half a cup left." Dean held his to-go cup up. Cas shrugged.

"Told you I'm addicted. Plus it was getting cold."

Dean took a sip of his coffee, making a disgusted face right after.

"Yeah, no. It's cold. No, no." Cas grinned as Dean went to toss away his cup too.

"Okay, hit me with another fact." Dean grinned once they were walking side by side again. This time, Cas had an answer prepared.

"My mother always wanted me to be a brain surgeon and she was really disappointed when I became just a 'skin doctor' as she called it. She didn't approve my decision until she heard that I treat skin cancer patients, that was the only thing in her eyes that made my job admirable. If someone asks her about me, that's the only thing she'll tell them: her son treats cancer."

Dean was quiet for a moment before stopping Cas with a gentle hand on his arm. Cas looked down at it with wide eyes before turning to look at Dean who was staring at him with sadness in his eyes.

"You don't think like that, do you? Because your job is really important, every part of it. You helped me more than you could ever imagine, I mean... I didn't have skin cancer, but I might as well had." Dean spoke gently. Even with the soft tone of his voice, his words still cut deep.

"Don't--- Don't call it that." Cas breathed out weakly, the inside of his chest collapsing.

"What?" Dean blinked in surprise.

"Don't call..." Cas swallowed hard, unable to finish his sentence.

"I'm sorry. Shit, it's not the same. Cas, I'm sorry. I just... I want you to know that I respect you and your job a lot and that you helped me more than anyone ever has," Dean spoke quietly, letting his hand drop from Cas' arm. Cas glanced up at him before looking away again.

"I know, Dean. And I don't share my mother's view on my job, I know what I do is important. I love my job, I'm good at my job. There's no need for you to pity me." Cas shrugged.

"I didn't-- Okay. Hey, I'm sorry," Dean said sincerely. Cas sighed, trying to collect himself.

"It's okay. Let's go, I'm getting cold just standing here." Cas pulled on his leather jacket, noticing how Dean was staring at him until he suddenly seemed to snap out of it. Dean cleared his throat, looking around them before they started walking again.

"You got a big family?" Dean asked casually.

"No, not really. I got my sister Anna who lives like two blocks from my place. I got two older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, but we're not that close. I mean, there's nothing bad between us, we're just not... We call each other maybe once a month if even that. I guess my family has never been big on keeping contact with each other." Cas explained.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I got a stepbrother, Adam. Didn't find out about him until I was sixteen. Dad brought him to see us a couple of times back then, but honestly? I barely know the guy. We have the same dad but I don't even know his full name. He seemed okay, I guess. It's just weird, you know? Suddenly finding out that you have another little brother you never knew about. Maybe if dad hadn't kept him hidden all those years, if he had brought him into our lives right after the kid was born we could be really close right now, like actual brothers. But my dad, he uh..." Dean paused, sighed and swallowed hard, then suddenly chuckled.

"You know what? Never mind. It was about to get a bit too dark and we barely know each other yet. So, how about your parents?" Dean grinned a bit too wide for it to be genuine. Castiel was curious about what Dean had almost said about his father but didn't want to press the obviously touchy subject, so he decided to just answer the question.

"My dad died when I was 17, and now my mom is slowly dying. She's old, her condition has gone worse very quickly and no one knows how much time she has left. Could be months, could be hours."

"Dude, I'm so sorry. That must be rough for you." Dean said, putting his hand on Cas' shoulder. Cas didn't want Dean to touch him, not right now, but he couldn't just shrug Dean's hand away. When a stranger walked past them, almost colliding with Cas, he took the opportunity and turned his body in a way that made Dean's hand slip from his shoulder while seeming like he was only dodging the person walking past them.

"Yes, it is. But it's been a long time coming, I've had time to mentally prepare for that day when it finally comes. I got my sister by my side so I won't be alone." Cas answered quietly. They both stayed quiet for a moment, Cas having nothing more to say about the subject and he guessed that Dean didn't know what to say. When the silence started to feel pressing he turned to look at Dean.

"What about your mother? Where is she?" he asked.

"Died when I was four. Dad tried to take care of us on his own for a while but... He couldn't. Ellen took us in, she had a freaking baby but she still took two little kids in, raised all of us on her own. She's like a mother to me." Dean smiled weakly.

"So you have a sibling?"

"Oh, yeah. Younger brother, Sammy. He lives literally on the other side of the country now so we barely see each other anymore. He's a big shot lawyer so he's always too busy to even call his big brother anymore, and whenever I manage to get him on the line something always comes up and he has to hang up. Haven't seen the kid in two years, heard he has a baby coming." Dean told, sounding sadder than Cas had ever heard him before.

"Seems like we have a lot in common." Cas grinned, trying to lighten the mood. Apparently it worked since Dean chuckled, shaking his head.

"Yeah, seems like it. But we both have an amazing sister! Well, mine isn't technically a sister since we're not actually related, but you know. Grew up together with the same mother figure, her actual mother, so she's my sister. Her name is Jo, she's a huge pain in the ass but I'd die for her in a blink." Dean smiled widely as he spoke about her.

"She sounds great."

"Why? Because I said she's a pain in my ass?" Dean grinned.

"Exactly." Cas chuckled.

"You're the worst." Dean laughed.

It was getting quite late, they had been at the pier for hours already. All the families had left already, leaving just teenagers and adults to go around the shops that were still open. Dean and Cas looked around them in the darkening night. The lights had been turned on at some point and the pier looked kind of pretty.

"Do you think we'll ever find the record store?" Dean asked, turning to look at him again.

"I'm not even sure if there's a record store here."

"You don't trust me?" Dean grinned.

"You haven't given me any reason to. Do record stores even exists anymore?" Cas teased.

"Fucker!" Dean laughed as he started to walk again, looking over his shoulder at Cas. Cas shook his head before following him.

After walking for a while Cas started to feel tired. He checked his phone for the time, surprised when it was past 11 PM already. As they kept searching for the record store Cas started to notice how drunk everyone around them were. Dean seemed to notice it too as he slowed down, waiting for Cas to get to him. Cas yawned just as he stopped next to Dean.

"Tired?" Dean grinned.

"Yes. I usually have to go to bed pretty early during the week, I have a sleep schedule of an old man." Cas tried to stifle another yawn.

"Maybe we should head back to the car? I'm starting to question if there even is a record store here, plus all these drunk teens are loud as hell," Dean groaned, giving a stink eye to the passing group of young men who were all yelling over each other.

"That might be a good idea, yes." Cas nodded. They turned back to where they had been coming from. Most people had moved into the bars, some were drinking their own drinks all around the pier, but over all, there was a lot more room to walk than there had been before.

Even though summer was on its way the night felt a little chilly. Cas shoved his hands into his pockets, happy that he had taken the jacket with him. Dean was walking next to him wearing just a t-shirt and jeans. Cas looked him up and down.

"Aren't you cold?"

Dean turned to look at him.

"Huh? Oh, not really." Cas raised an eyebrow. "Okay maybe a little, but I'll survive. I am planning on turning the heat up once we get in the car, though." Dean grinned.

"I'm okay with that." Cas nodded.

"What's that smell? Is that... Churros!" Dean's eyes widened in excitement and he started walking faster towards a small booth. Cas quickly followed after him.

"Do you want any?" Dean asked, keeping his eyes on the menu, trying to decide what he wanted.

"Oh, no thank you," Cas answered politely.

"Are you a health freak or something?" Dean turned to look at him, a teasing grin on his lips.

"No, I just don't want a lot of sugar in my system this late in the night."

"Sounds a bit health freaky to me." Dean teased.

"Shut up and get your churros." Cas rolled his eyes.

After pondering for several minutes Dean finally decided that he didn't want any other toppings than just sugar. Cas groaned in his head. He was getting really tired, he was scared he'd fall asleep in the car.

"Okay, off we go!" Dean smiled as he started walking towards the parking lot again, shoving a churro into his mouth. Cas walked next to him, desperately trying to keep his eyes open.

"You want one?" Dean asked, offering them to him.

"No, thank you."

"Come on, Cas, just take one. It won't kill you." Dean smiled. Cas sighed before picking the one that looked the smallest, taking a bite of it. God damn it, it was delicious.

"Mmh, it's still warm," Cas moaned as he chewed it.

"I know! They're so fucking good. I could eat this all day every day," Dean said before shoving another one into his mouth. Cas finished his quickly, eyeing the rest of them hungrily. Apparently Dean had noticed since he chuckled and held the paper cup towards him again.

"Take another one, I know you want to." He grinned. Cas didn't argue, instead picked one and took a big bite of it.

They passed the burger place on their way to the car. It had already closed, as had many other stores and restaurants. The bars were pretty much the only things still open. Cas yawned again, rubbing at the corner of his eye.

"We're almost at the car, try to stay up a little longer." Dean smiled gently at him. Cas just smiled back at him, feeling warm inside from the gentle tone of Dean's voice.

Once in the car Dean turned the heat up as soon as he got the engine running. He let the engine warm up for a moment before pulling out of the parking lot. The soft seat under him and the warmth filling the car definitely didn't help Cas to stay awake. He could barely keep his eyes open anymore.

"Hey, you still with me? Don't fall asleep on me, dude, I'm not carrying you inside." Dean's voice pulled him back from the verge of sleep and he turned his head towards Dean, looking at him with tired eyes. Dean looked really pretty, the streetlights created beautiful lights and shadows on his handsome features.

"I'm awake," Cas mumbled, making Dean chuckle.

"Yeah, you totally sound like it. Hey, we've only shared two facts each when the deal was three." Dean pointed out.

"I haven't made any deals with you," Cas slurred, practically asleep already. Dean laughed again. After a moment of silence, Cas added, "It's your turn."

"Yeah, I think it is. Shit, what should I tell you..."

Cas straightened up and blinked several times, desperately trying to stay awake. It shouldn't take long until they'd be back at his house. Dean stayed quiet for a long moment, and Cas was too tired to try to come up with something to talk about. He turned to look at Dean who looked like he was thinking long and hard about something; he was worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes fixed on the road.

"What are you thinking about?" Cas asked. Dean glanced towards him before looking back at the road.

"Just... My third fact." Dean shrugged. Cas didn't ask any more questions, just sat there waiting for Dean to talk.

It wasn't until Dean pulled up at Cas' driveway when Dean finally turned towards him and opened his mouth again.

"My third fact about me is that..." Dean swallowed hard, looking extremely nervous. Cas turned towards him, feeling anxious for some reason. Something in the way Dean was staring down, twining his own fingers made Cas' stomach twist in an unpleasant way. Dean took a shaky breath.

"My third fact is that I'm scared I'll end up dying alone," Dean whispered, lifting his sad, scared eyes to meet Cas' surprised gaze before dropping his chin again, breaking the eye contact.

Suddenly Cas' mind was running at full speed. _Tell him! Don't tell him! Tell him! Don't tell him!_

"I'm sure you'll find someone. After all, you were voted the most attractive in high school," Cas smiled. It made Dean look back up at him, a small smile on his lips.

"Three years in a row!" Dean added.

"Exactly." Cas chuckled. Dean looked at him with a soft smile that made him look a few years younger than he actually was.

"It's your turn now. The last fact of the day, let's hear it!" Dean announced loudly.

Every thought that immediately popped into Cas' mind was soulmate related. After what Dean had just confessed, a big part of Cas wanted to come out with the truth, just go 'fuck it' and suffer the consequences. He opened his mouth, then snapped it shut. No.

"Third fact of me is that I'm really tired and I want to go to sleep."

Dean cracked up, shaking his head.

"Okay, I'll let you go, but I want you to know that I don't accept that as a fact. You'll have to give me an actual fact about yourself later. We're not even, Novak!" Dean pointed an accusing finger at Cas' face, making him crack up too.

"Of course, Dean. Good night." Cas smiled widely as he opened the door and stepped out.

"Good night, Cas," Dean hollered after him right before Cas closed the door.

Cas stopped at his front door to dig his keys from his pocket. Dean was still sitting in his car on Cas' driveway, watching him with a small smile on his lips. Cas found his keys, unlocked the door and pushed it open. Before stepping inside he turned to wave at Dean who was pulling out of the driveway. Dean waved back before driving off.

The fact that Dean had waited to make sure Cas would get inside safely made Cas feel light inside. He tossed his keys on the side table with a smile on his lips. There had been a couple of rough points during the evening and now Cas was absolutely exhausted, but over all, he had enjoyed his time with Dean. A lot. Dean was really handsome, funny and kind, what was there not to like?

It wasn't until he was pulling off his shirt as he was getting ready for bed when his tired brain caught up with reality.

He was definitely, completely falling for his soulmate who didn't want a soulmate.


	5. Avoid it

Dean started texting Castiel almost daily after that Friday night. Sometimes he wanted to know how Cas was doing, sometimes he started ranting about something that had happened to him that day. Once he sent Castiel a picture of a puppy, the message that came right after the photo just said: "look at this fucking thing!" It made Cas chuckle. Some days they didn't have much time to chat, but other days they spent hours texting each other about anything and everything. Cas soon noticed that he was checking his phone more often than he had before, but told himself it was nothing to be worried about.

Over a week after their not-a-date Castiel received a message a bit before 4 pm.

_"Hey buddy, this day is beating the shit out of me, I could use a little pick-me-up. You up for a beer after work?"_

_"Dean, it's Monday. What happened?"_

Cas went back to work, leaving his phone on the desk as he checked his next patient's information. After a couple of minutes, the phone vibrated. Cas opened the message, surprised to see that Dean had sent him a selfie. His face was covered in blue, pink and purple paint, and he was holding his left hand up next to his face, showcasing the bleeding knuckles. Even with the exaggerated sad pout Dean was pulling in the photo, the paint on his face and the painful looking hand, Dean still looked too good for it to be fair. Cas shook his head to his own thoughts, starting to type a reply.

_"Ouch. Remember to clean the wounds properly. And that still doesn't answer the question; what happened?"_

He didn't have to wait for more than a minute until Dean shot him another text.

_"Will do, Doc. I'll tell you everything over a beer, deal?"_

_"I don't drink on weekdays. Coffee?"_

_"Ugh, okay. When do you get off? I'll come pick you up from work, okay?"_

Cas smiled to his phone before glancing at the clock on the corner of his computer screen. His next patient should be arriving any moment now.

_"5:30. Gotta go, patients wait. Clean the wounds!"_ Cas sent the message and dropped his phone into the top drawer of his desk. He could hear it vibrating once more right before he opened the door to go call in his 4 pm patient.

 

* * *

 

Cas was finishing typing up updated information of his last patient of the day when his phone started vibrating again where he had left it in the drawer. He saved the file before pulling his phone out.

_"Aren't doctors supposed to be punctual?"_ Dean had sent the message at 5:33 pm. Cas rolled his eyes, dropping his phone on the desk as he shut down the computer. He was pulling off his white coat when his phone vibrated again. Cas tapped the message open.

_"Don't ignore me, Doc. I can see you read that message."_

Out of spite Cas pocketed his phone without answering Dean, locked the door to his office and quickly went to get the rest of his stuff from his locker in the staff room.

Once he stepped outside he spotted Dean's car immediately, parked right in front of the clinic. Dean looked up from his phone when Cas opened the door and hopped in.

"You're clingy, you know that?" he groaned as he threw his bag on the backseat.

"I'm bored and you're late." Dean pointed out.

"You spend too much time around the kids, you're starting to act like them," Cas tried to sound annoyed but he knew the corner of his lip was twitching upwards.

Dean rolled his eyes at him, and that's when Cas remembered the picture Dean had sent him earlier.

"How's your hand?"

Dean brought his left-hand closer to Cas. It was wrapped in white bandages and there were no visible blood stains on it.

"Did you clean the wounds properly?" Cas asked, taking Dean's hand to examine the bandaging.

"Yes, Doctor Novak, I did clean them. It's not as bad as it looks, just a few little cuts. I would've put just Band-Aids over them but they were so close together that it was easier to just wrap the whole thing up." Dean shrugged, his eyes glued to where Castiel was touching him.

"Did you bandage this up yourself?" Cas asked surprised, looking up at him.

"No, no.  My co-worker, Pamela, helped me up. She used to be a nurse so I was in good hands, don't worry." Dean grinned. Cas let his hand go, straightening up in his seat.

"Good, she did a good job." He nodded in approval.

"Yeah, it's great to have someone with an actual medical education in our team, you know? Everyone's safety is on the top of our priorities but with twenty-five kids running around daily, shit happens sometimes. It's good to have someone there who always knows exactly what to do." Dean spoke as he started to drive.

"Accidents happen, sometimes there's nothing anyone could do prevent them. I hope none of the kids got hurt when that happened?" Cas said, nodding at Dean's hand.

"No, I was the only one who got hit."

"Good." Cas nodded. Dean turned to look at him with raised eyebrows.

"You think it's good I got hurt?" He asked, his tone a little teasing. Cas rolled his eyes at him.

"No, you idiot. It's good that none of the kids got hurt. You're an adult, you'll survive a couple of wounds. I'm sure you didn't even cry. Much."

"You are the absolute worst," Dean groaned, making Cas laugh.

"But seriously, what happened?" Cas asked.

"Oh, we were painting and the kids got a bit too excited, hence the paint all over my face. As I was trying to escape one of the kids jumped me, causing me to hit my fist to the wall at a weird angle. That's how I hurt my hand. The skin just broke a little, Pamela made sure my knuckles weren't broken." Dean explained.

"I hope they pay you extra for how dangerous your job is," Cas said with a straight face.

"No, I wish," Dean laughed. 

After a couple of minutes, Dean parked the car in a parking lot of a grocery store.

"Why are we here?" Cas asked confused.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm just leaving the car here, there's never any parking spots free in front of the coffee shop. It's just a block from here, you think you can walk all the way there?" Dean grinned as he pocketed the car keys.

"Why do I keep hanging out with you?" Cas mumbled mostly to himself as he exited the car.

"What was that?" Dean yelled from the other side of the Impala.

"Lovely weather!" Cas put on the fakest smile he had ever pulled in his entire life. Dean chuckled at him, nodding his head towards the back corner of the lot.

As they were walking, Cas realized where they were heading; to the coffee shop where Charlie worked. Shit, she'd probably be in there. Cas tried to come up with an excuse why they shouldn't go to that exact coffee shop but before he could come up with anything that made any kind of sense, Dean was already holding the door open for him. When Cas stepped inside he spotted Charlie's bright red head immediately. Of course, she was there.

"Dude, they make the best cupcakes here. Been thinking about those for days." Dean grinned as he moved past him, making his way to the counter. Cas took a deep breath before following him.

"Hello, what can I get you?" Charlie smiled widely at Dean, but then her eyes landed on Cas. Her smile dropped a little as she looked back and forth between them.

"I'll have a big cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin, thank you," Dean answered her. Charlie filled his order quickly while Dean paid. When he took his cup and the muffin from the counter he turned to grin at Cas.

"Try the muffins, you won't regret it. I'll get us a table." And then he was off. Cas stared after him for a second before turning towards Charlie who was smirking at him knowingly.

"So... Who's your date? He's kinda hot." She wiggled her eyebrows at him.

"Um, that would be Dean," Cas admitted guiltily. Charlie's jaw dropped and her eyes widened, she didn't even try to control her face when she turned to look at where Dean had sat down. She snapped her mouth shut before leaning over the counter towards Cas.

"What the hell is going on? Why are you on a date with him? What are you doing, Cas?" She hissed, sounding half angry, half confused. Cas leaned towards her to make sure no one else would hear them.

"We're not on a date. We're just getting coffee after work, as friends." Cas hissed right back at her.

Charlie kept glancing towards Dean and Cas hoped that Dean was sitting with his back towards them.

"So he still doesn't know, or?" Charlie whispered. Cas sighed, letting his head hang down.

"No, he doesn't. I can't talk about this here, not when he's here too. Just, gimme the strongest cup of coffee you can make. And a cupcake, I don't know." Cas shook his head, straightening up. Charlie eyed him suspiciously the whole time while she prepared his coffee.

When Cas turned around to find Dean, he saw him sitting at the table next to the window, staring at him. Of course, of course he had been facing the counter the whole time. Cas looked over his shoulder at Charlie one more time. She shrugged, looking just as lost as Cas felt.

Dean's gaze was burning holes into Cas' face as he made his way to him. He put his drink and the snack on the table before taking a seat.

"A friend of yours?" Dean asked. Cas looked up at him.

"Uh, yes. She's really good friends with my sister and we met through her a few years back." Castiel explained. Dean smirked at him, leaning back in his chair.

"A friend of your sister's, huh? I've heard a lot about those." Dean's tone was a mixture of teasing with a hint of something that sounded a lot like jealousy, but Cas refused to believe that.

"She's gay, Dean. She met her soulmate the day she got the tattoo. They've been married for years and are now saving money to get the adoption process started." Cas told him. Dean's eyes widened and he turned to look towards the counter where Charlie was helping another customer.

"The day she got the tattoo?" He asked quietly.

"Yes, she wanted to show her tattoo to her best friend, not knowing that she had gotten the exact same tattoo the previous night. They were both 17, got the tattoos the same night while sleeping. They were the first ones to see each other's tattoos, too."

As Castiel was telling Charlie and Gilda's story, Dean turned to look down to his steaming mug. Cas could see him swallowing hard but refused to feel bad for him.

"That's... Nice for them." Dean mumbled. He huffed a small laugh before straightening back up, a wide grin on his face. "I mean, that's such a cliché, too good to be real. Kinda boring if I'm being honest." His entire demeanor changed in a blink, and what he was doing was so obvious Cas wanted to roll his eyes but didn't, because maybe he did feel a tiny bit bad for him. Cas didn't know if he should say something that'd make Dean feel better or just yell at his face about what a fucking idiot he was, how he had ruined everything for himself and had no right to mope about it.

"Well, they're happy, that's all that matters." Cas shrugged before taking a sip of his coffee. He noticed how Dean's eyes were drawn back to Charlie, his mouth a straight line. Dean let out a small sigh that Cas would've missed if he hadn't been watching him.

His soulmate was a complete idiot.

 

* * *

 

Castiel had just pulled his bag over his shoulder, ready to go home after a long day at the clinic, when his phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out, surprised to see Charlie's face on the screen.

"Hey, Charlie," he answered, holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he pushed his locker shut.

"I'm coming over today, right now," Charlie announced, sounding a little breathless.

"What? Why? Did something happen?" Castiel got worried when he heard the tone of her voice.

"Yeah, something happened! My best friend walked into my workplace yesterday with his soulmate, and he hasn't told me anything about it yet!" Charlie huffed to the phone.

"Oh, this is about that. Okay, I'm just leaving work so I'll be home soon." Cas sighed.

"Good. I'll wait outside, I'm almost at your place."

"Okay, see you soon." Cas ended the call. He should probably call Anna tonight, update her on what was going on before Charlie would.

A short walk later Cas found Charlie pacing on his driveway. She lifted her head up when she heard him approaching.

"Dude!"

"I know, I know. Can we go inside before you rip me a new one?" Cas sighed, digging his keys from his bag.

"Dude!" Charlie yelled again.

"Calm down, I'll explain everything!"

Once inside, Charlie followed him around until Cas finally sat down at the kitchen table.

"Okay, let it all out." He gestured with his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Charlie asked loudly, her eyes wide.

"We had coffee, that's all. It wasn't a date, he just... He had a bad day and wanted to vent about it, so he asked me to hang out. We had coffee, he got to whine about his shitty day, and then he drove me back home. End of story." Cas shrugged.

"Umm, what about the little date you guys went on earlier? When you cancelled our movie night to be with him? You said then that it was gonna be a one-time thing, that you weren't going to hang out with him more than once?"

Cas grinned, "why am I getting jealous girlfriend vibes from you right now?"

"Don't try to change the subject! I'm fucking worried about you, you idiot! What are you doing?"

"I don't know! Okay? I don't know. Fuck!" Cas covered his face with his hands, leaning his elbows heavily against the table. Charlie was quiet for a long time until she let out a quiet sigh. Cas felt her hand touching his arm but he kept his face hidden.

"You said it yourself, nothing good will follow if you keep seeing him. You have to either tell him the truth or stop seeing him," Charlie spoke quietly, her voice sad and soft.

"I can't do either of those," Cas breathed out, finally letting his hands drop on the table. He stared at the wall until a thought popped into his head, making him laugh bitterly.

"What?" Charlie's brow furrowed.

"Well, I guess telling him the truth would kill two birds with one stone. Everyone could stop pressuring me to tell him the truth, and I could stop seeing him because he'd run out of my life before I could even blink," he breathed out, chuckling to himself.

"Hey, you don't know that. He might stay," Charlie tried, but Cas shook his head.

"No, I do know. Shit, I'm so fucked."

Cas' phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to check it, and Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"Is that him?"

"Yeah. He sent me a photo of his side with 'it's almost gone', even added a smiley face at the end," Cas sighed, dropping his phone on the table. Charlie took his hand, rubbing his knuckles gently.

"Cas, you're hurting. This is painful for you and everyone around you. You have to end this, one way or another." Her tone was pleading, her eyes sad and her mouth turned to a frown. Cas looked up at her before turning his gaze away.

"It's not that easy, you know we're drawn to each other, me and him, you said that yourself. And even if I wanted to stop seeing him, what would I tell him? I couldn't just stop answering his texts, I still see him when he comes to his appointments. I can't get away from him, and honestly, I don't know if I want to." Cas rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache growing.

"When is his next appointment?" Charlie asked.

"Next week. Thursday afternoon," Cas sighed.

They sat in silence for several minutes until Cas groaned and dropped his forehead against the cool table.

"What am I gonna do?"

"What do you _want_ to do?" Charlie asked. Cas thought about it for a moment, then chuckled against the table top.

"I wanna go back in time to when he first called to the clinic to schedule his first appointment, and I wanna tell him to fuck off. I wanna jump into another universe where I meet him in a park, or at a beach on a warm summer day when one of us just happens to notice the other's tattoo. I'd even take a universe where I never meet him, that'd be less painful than this."

"Okay, well what do you want to do in this universe?" Charlie asked.

"I don't know. I just want him to--" Castiel swallowed the rest of the sentence. Charlie squeezed his hand a little tighter.

"I know. He will. It'll work out somehow, I'm sure of it. Maybe you should consider telling him? He just might surprise you, you can't know until you do." She suggested. Cas shook his head, keeping his forehead pressed to the table. Charlie sighed and let go of his hand.

"I'll cook," she said as she stood up.

"Thank you," Cas mumbled against the table.

Charlie cooked them a delicious mac 'n' cheese dinner straight from a box, but Cas wasn't complaining. Everything tasted better when someone else cooked it for him, he didn't know why.

"You know I appreciate your help, right? And you know that knowing that you care means the world to me?" Castiel asked quietly as he scraped the rest of the food from his plate, pushing the last forkful into his mouth. Charlie looked up from her own plate, a soft smile on her lips.

"I know. I'm here for you, Cas. You can yell, you can cry, you can say things you don't even mean. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I can't even imagine what you're going through and I wish there was something I could do to take all that pain away from you, but I can't. So I'll just be here when you need me." She spoke quietly. Her words brought tears to Cas' eyes and he reached over the table to grab her hand.

"Thank you," he whispered, swallowing down his tears. "Could you not tell Anna yet? I want to tell her myself. I'm pretty sure she won't be happy to hear that I've been spending time with Dean so I'd rather tell her myself and not have her call me suddenly."

Charlie nodded, "of course. When will you call her?"

"Tonight, I think."

"Okay, good. Do you want me to stay as a moral support?" Charlie offered, but Cas shook his head.

"No, I can't ask you to stay and watch me sob even more. Thanks anyway, I appreciate the offer." He smiled weakly.

"I don't mind you sobbing. Hey, wanna watch a movie?" She smiled a little brighter.

"I don't know if I have the energy, but maybe an episode or two of Brooklyn nine-nine?" Cas suggested, already feeling a little better.

"Dude, yes! You go put the show ready, I'll clean up here." Charlie jumped up, collecting their empty plates and taking them to the dishwasher. Cas moved to the living room, logged into Netflix and connected his laptop to his TV.

 "Everything ready?" Charlie asked as she stepped into the room. Cas nodded and scooted over on the couch, making room for her.

They ended up watching three episodes until Cas decided he should call Anna. Charlie hugged him goodbye at the door, telling him to call her if the call with Anna went badly.

Once alone, Cas sat on his couch, clutching his phone in his hands. He took a deep breath, held it and then released it slowly before calling his sister. It rang and rang until it finally went to voicemail. Cas didn't leave a message, instead decided to talk to her some other time. It could wait.

 

* * *

 

The next day Cas was enjoying his lunch when his phone vibrated. He put down his fork, still chewing as he opened the message.

_"Hey, Doc. Wanna go see the new X-men movie tonight? :)"_

Cas swallowed, reading the text again. He had just seen Dean two days ago, but he was already missing him. He started to type a reply when his conversation with Charlie from the previous day popped in his head. She was right, Cas was torturing himself by spending time with Dean. He took a deep breath and started to type.

_"Hello, Dean. I'm sorry, tonight doesn't work for me."_

He sent the message and quickly dropped his phone back on the table like it had burned him. After just a few seconds Dean sent another text.

_"Why not? You got a hot date? ;)"_

Cas rolled his eyes. As if.

_"No, I have plans with my sister."_

_"Ah, okay. Well, some other time then :)"_

Cas didn't like lying, but with Dean... He had to. He couldn't even count all the lies he had told Dean, all the things he had left unsaid to protect his little secret. He didn't want to lie, but Dean had left him no other option. With a sigh he stood up, walked to the trashcan and dropped the rest of his salad into it.

 

* * *

 

Two days later Dean texted him to see if Cas would like to join him on a shopping trip, and Cas, who was laying on his couch watching trash TV, told Dean that he had a patient coming in late and wouldn't get off from work in hours.

Three more days later Dean texted him again.

_"Coffee after work?"_ was all the text said.

_"I promised to help Charlie and Gilda to assemble their new bookshelf, that's probably going to take the rest of the day."_ Cas texted back, wondering where he even came up with this stuff.

_"Right. Well, I'll see you on Thursday then."_

Cas stared at the screen for a moment, his brow furrowed, until it hit him. Dean's next appointment was on Thursday, which was in three days. Shit, how had he forgotten about that?

_"I'll see you then!"_ He texted back. Dean didn't send anything after that.

 

* * *

 

Cas felt nervous when he opened the door that led into the waiting room. He hadn't seen Dean since they went to get coffee together almost two weeks ago. When he rounded the corner he found Dean sitting on the small couch, looking extremely pissed.

"Winchester," he called like he would with any other patient. Dean looked up, his expression hard as he pushed himself up.

"Hello, Dean," Cas smiled weakly when Dean walked past him without a word. Cas took in a shaky breath before following him into the room.

Dean pulled off his shirt and sat down on the cushioned chair, glaring at the wall.

"How are you doing, Dean?" Cas asked cautiously when he opened Dean's file. Dean scoffed, shrugging his shoulders.

"I'm fine, _Doctor Novak_ , thanks for asking." He spat out, making Cas flinch. He swallowed hard, clicking the empty space around the file just to make it seem like he was busy.

"How is your side?"

"It's fine."

"Okay, good. Good. Let me take a look at it," Castiel said as he stood up and slowly walked to Dean. Dean lifted his arm to reveal the mostly erased tattoo, not even glancing at Castiel while he examined his skin.

"It has healed well. I don't think we have to treat the scars here at all once we're done. I can just give you a prescription for--" Dean's amused scoff made Cas stop and look up at him.

"What?" Cas asked.

"Do my scars actually not need the treatment or do you not wanna see me?" Dean finally turned to face him, a challenging look in his eyes. Castiel dropped his gaze. "Why have you been avoiding me?"

"I haven't been avoiding--"

"Cas, just... Why?" Dean sighed, annoyed.

Castiel stared at the floor for a moment. He hadn't thought this through, he had forgotten he'd still have to face Dean here where they first met. He hadn't prepared an excuse, hadn't planned what to tell Dean if he'd confront him. When he looked up at him, Dean was still staring at him with so much fear and sadness in his eyes that it hurt Castiel's heart. He sighed.

"Okay, you're right. I have been avoiding you," Castiel admitted quietly. The shaky breath Dean took right after felt like a rope tightening around Cas' chest.

"Why?" Dean whispered.

"Because you're my..." Cas sighed. "Because you're my patient, and it still feels weird to spend time with you."

Dean was quiet for a moment. "What?"

"I don't know, it just feels weird to spend time with you and then see you here and... I don't know, I've just never become friends with any of my patients before." Cas shrugged. Dean eyed him suspiciously, his brow furrowed.

"Are you serious? That's your reason? I've been replaying our trip to the coffee shop in my head over and over for a week, trying to remember if I said or did something that might have upset you. I read through all our texts to see if I had said something rude, but you just... I thought that didn't bother you anymore?"

"It just... Feels weird sometimes." Cas shrugged. Dean stared at him with wide eyes before dropping his gaze to his lap.

"Oh." He said under his breath.

Cas gave himself an out with his shitty excuse and he should just take it, keep saying it felt awkward to spend time with a patient until Dean would finally give up and stop texting him. He wouldn't have to see Dean ever again. But just like the first time when Dean had asked him to spend time with him, Cas' mouth betrayed him.

"I'll get over it," he said, smiling gently at Dean who turned to look at him. After a couple of seconds, a wary smile spread on Dean's face, too. Soon he was grinning widely, slapping Cas' arm.

"You better." He laughed. Cas chuckled, shaking his head as he got up to get the local anesthetic.

Cas went over the wing for the last time. He had thought he had gotten all the colors out of the tattoo the previous time, but close to the edge of the tattoo, there was still a stripe of blue left. After going through the wing, Cas studied the blue spot more closely.

"I'm gonna go over this too." He poked his finger into it, even though Dean couldn't feel it.

"Good. I think my soulmate doesn't want to be erased from my skin," Dean chuckled. Cas was just about to start the laser again but turned to look up at him instead.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I always assumed that the colors were from our eyes. Green from mine, blue from theirs. The green is all gone but the blue still hangs in there. It doesn't wanna go." Dean grinned. Cas looked down at the blue spot that was still almost as bright as it was on Cas' side. Dean was right.

"Yeah, I guess it doesn't," Cas sighed before powering the laser up again.

About fifteen minutes later Cas was wrapping bandages over Dean's side.

"Hey, uh, Cas? Could we hang out over the weekend?" Dean asked almost shyly, looking down to where Cas' hands were touching his skin. Cas looked up at him.

"Um, sure. Why not?" Cas shrugged.

"You sure you're okay with it? Or do you need like... Time or something?"

"Nah, I'm good." He made sure Dean's side was properly bandaged before he stood up, pulled his gloves off and made his way to his desk.

"Okay, good. Cool. Saturday okay with you? I could come over with some beers, watch a movie, just hang out?" Dean suggested.

"Sounds good." Cas nodded with a smile, watching as Dean pulled his shirt back on. Cas straightened up in his seat and cleared his throat.

"I'm not gonna schedule you another appointment right now. I'm pretty sure your tattoo is all gone once the blisters heal, and then we can see if you need to come in for scar treatments, but I highly doubt that. If you do need to, then I'll schedule you in." Castiel explained. Dean was grinning at him like he had said something funny, so Cas just lifted an eyebrow at him.

"Sorry, it's just so weird when you go full doctor mode. You talk in that... Doctor voice, it's so different from how you talk outside of work." Dean chuckled. Cas rolled his eyes at him.

"Oh, shut up. I've been doing this for years, I can't help it. Now get lost, I got other patients waiting." Cas shooed him out.

"I'll text you about Saturday," Dean grinned before opening the door and stepping out. Once the door clicked shut after him, Cas flopped back on his chair.

"I'm so fucked."

 

* * *

 

His plan of avoiding Dean was going perfectly, he thought to himself as he waited for Dean to arrive at his place on Saturday evening. Yeah, absolutely killing it, doing so well. He adjusted the snack bowls on the coffee table for the millionth time and checked the clock on the wall again. Dean should be there in ten minutes, Cas still had time to breathe--

The doorbell rang. Cas rolled his shoulders once, breathed out quickly and went to open the door.

"Hey, I'm a bit early, hope you don't mind. At least you're decent." Dean grinned, looking him up and down. Cas' brow furrowed as he stepped to the side.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know if you had just been taking a shower or something. It was a joke, Cas, geez." Dean rolled his eyes, stepping inside.

"Kitchen?" Dean held up two six-packs of beer.

"Over here." Cas nodded his head. Dean followed after him.

"Dude, nice place!" Dean whistled while Cas was putting the beer into the fridge.

"Thank you. It's not big but I like it." Cas nodded as he handed Dean a beer.

"It's nice. Can I check your back yard?" Dean asked, nodding towards the glass door. Cas opened his own beer before he went to unlock the door. They stepped outside, Dean first.

"Shit, this is nice. You could host a barbeque party here every weekend!" Dean turned to look at him.

"I don't know, I'm not really a barbeque party kinda guy. I don't even have a grill." Cas shrugged.

"You got a huge yard and you don't even own a grill? Who are you?" Dean pretended to be shocked.

"It's not huge. I don't know, I guess I've just never thought about buying one." He shrugged. Dean slapped a hand on his own chest, gasping loudly. Cas chuckled at him, rolling his eyes fondly.

"You're an absolute dork." Cas laughed. Dean finally cracked up too, and he put his hand on Cas' shoulder, guiding him back inside.

"Come on, I can't stand your sad yard any longer."

"It's not sad!" Cas argued.

"It's completely empty when you could have a grill and even a pool in there! It's sad!"

"Oh, shut up, what kinda pool do you think would fit in there?" Cas rolled his eyes again.

"Okay, maybe not a pool, but a Jacuzzi."

"I have a Jacuzzi in my bathroom." Cas shrugged. Dean stopped in his track, his hand dropping from Cas' shoulder. Cas turned around to face him.

"No, you don't." Dean breathed out in awe, his eyes wide.

"Uh, yes? I do?" Cas raised an eyebrow.

"Fuck, really?" Dean's jaw dropped.

"Yes, really."

"I'll believe it once I see it!" Dean crossed his arms over his chest, the unopened bottle hanging from his fingers.

"Bathroom is over here." Cas started walking. Dean followed him quickly. Cas stopped at the end of the wide hallway and pushed open a door, gesturing for Dean to step inside.

"Fuck, you have a Jacuzzi!" Dean gasped.

"Had to buy something nice with the doctor's salary." Cas shrugged. Dean swirled around, looking at him like an excited puppy.

"Can I try it?"

Cas blinked. "What? Now?"

"Yeah!"

"As your doctor, I'm gonna have to say no. As you know, quick showers with the bandaged area covered are okay, but soaking up in a Jacuzzi just days after a laser operation? Not gonna happen." Cas said, shaking his head. Dean's shoulders slumped and he turned to look at the tub with big sad eyes.

"What about after it's healed?" He asked quietly.

"You want to come to my place just to sit in my tub?" Cas tried not to laugh.

"It's not just a tub, it's a Jacuzzi!" Dean insisted.

"Okay, but when you do, you have to keep your underwear on or put on swimming trunks." Cas laid out the rules.

"But how am I gonna feel the bubbles then!" Dean protested. Cas stared at him for a second before he got what Dean meant.

"Dean, ew! No, you can never use my tub, ever!" Cas groaned and turned away, hurrying towards the living room. Dean ran after him.

"What? Like you haven't done that in there!" Dean chuckled. Cas flopped down on the couch and glared up at him. "You have! You so have, I know it! It's the only reason anyone even gets a Jacuzzi anymore!" Dean laughed.

"Oh my God, Dean." Cas covered his face with his hand, feeling his cheeks heating.

"Knew it!" Dean grinned next to him.

"Please stop talking," Cas whispered, but it only made Dean laugh again.

"Okay, okay. But you do agree with me that the bubbles are the best part?" Dean asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Cas dropped his hand from his face, sighing in defeat.

"Yes, the bubbles are the best part," he admitted quietly. Dean chuckled, patted his shoulder and straightened up.

"You got a bottle opener?" He asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"It's on the table!" Cas yelled after him. He took his laptop from the coffee table and opened Netflix just as Dean walked back into the room. Cas turned to look at him when Dean took a seat next to him.

"What do you wanna watch?"

Dean stared at the screen for a moment as Cas scrolled through the movies. After a minute or two, he leaned back on the couch, taking a sip of his beer.

"I don't know. Maybe we could just hang out without a movie? You still owe me one fact about you." Dean grinned.

"Damn it, I had hoped you'd forgotten about that," Cas smiled back at him.

"Never. Come on, I told you my biggest fear, I'm still waiting to hear one last fact about you." Dean nudged his side.

"I can't think of anything right now." Cas shook his head.

"Okay, but just know that I won't forget." Dean pointed a finger at Cas' face, a small grin on his lips.

"I know. I'll think of something." Cas slapped Dean's finger away, making him laugh. Cas took a sip of his beer, watching how Dean's face glowed as he smiled. Cas liked having Dean in his house probably more than he should. It was easy to imagine them living in that same house together, waking up next to each other every morning, sharing sleepy kisses while waiting for the coffee to brew, enjoying each other in the Jacuzzi...

"Who are those people?" Dean's voice pulled Cas back from his fantasies.

"Uh... Who?" Cas blinked.

"In those photos." Dean stood up and walked to the bookshelf, picking up a framed picture. Cas came to stand next to him.

"That's my family. That's my mom, those are my brothers, Michael and Gabriel, that's my sister Anna and that's me," Cas listed, pointing from person to person. Dean lifted the photo closer to his face.

"That's you? How old are you in this photo?"

"Sixteen. It was taken a day before Gabriel moved to the other side of the country to start college. We held a little party for him, mostly family members wishing him luck for his studies. It was a nice day." Cas smiled fondly at the photo.

"That sounds nice. I remember when Sammy left for college we were all just sobbing, even Jo shed a tear, not that she'll ever admit it." Dean grinned as he put the photo back on the shelf. He looked over the other photos too, most of them were of Cas' family, his graduation pictures and a couple of scenery shots Cas had snapped himself. Dean picked up Cas' graduation photo from MED school, smiling fondly at it.

"This is the only one where you look like you. I couldn't even recognize you from your childhood photos, you look so different in them. What happened?" Dean turned to look at him.

"I don't know. I grew up? Didn't sleep enough for a decade?" Cas shrugged. Dean snorted and put the photo away.

"Yeah, you kinda look like that," Dean teased.

"Oh, fuck you, Mister 'Voted the most attractive three years in a row'." Cas shoved at his shoulder, making Dean crack up completely.

"Hey, ain't my fault God made me perfect," Dean raised his hands. Cas rolled his eyes.

"Pfft, _perfect_ my ass!"

Dean just winked at him before taking a long sip of his beer. Cas sighed and shook his head, reaching for his own bottle. They sat back down on the couch and Dean pulled a bowl of chips between them, shoving a handful into his mouth.

"Should I put some music on?" Cas asked. Dean turned to look at him, his mouth still full. He said something but Cas couldn't understand a word of it.

"A perfect man would know not to speak with his mouth full, you pig," Cas said with a straight face, staring as Dean almost choked on his chips as he started laughing. He quickly washed them down with a big gulp of beer. Once he had swallowed he laughed loudly for a good minute.

"Shit, Cas. Yeah, you got any classic rock?" Dean asked, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes.

"No, but I have Spotify." Cas shrugged.

"Perfect!" Cas handed Dean the laptop, letting him select a playlist. Cas connected the laptop to the wireless sound system and put the volume down so that they could still talk without having to yell over the music.

They were soon done with their first beers and Cas went to get them their second ones. Hanging out with Dean like this felt good, natural. They were snarky, they made each other laugh and they were getting to know each other better and better. Being with Dean felt easy, maybe a bit too easy.

"Cas! Great song!" Dean yelled from the living room. Cas opened the bottles before walking back to him.

"Listen to this song!" Dean smiled widely as he accepted the offered bottle. Cas sat down next to him, concentrating on the music.

"Led Zeppelin?" he asked after a moment.

"Mm-hmm. Ramble on. Fucking best song ever made." Dean nodded, drumming his fingers against his thigh.

"Eh, I guess it's okay." Cas shrugged. Dean's jaw dropped and he gasped loudly.

"How dare you!" Cas tried to hide his grin behind his bottle as he took a sip, but Dean saw it anyway.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings?" Cas asked innocently, fluttering his lashes at Dean. Dean stared at him for a second, his mouth slightly open before he looked away, a light pink blush on his cheeks.

"You're the worst," Dean mumbled, lifting his bottle to his lips. Cas chuckled at him, deciding not to think about the way Dean had blushed just then.

"I know, I take pride in that," Cas answered smugly. Dean scoffed at him just as the song came to an end. Cas reached for the bowl between them, shoving a couple of chips into his mouth. Dean sipped on his beer next to him, staring at the photos on the bookshelf as a slow rock ballad started to play. Cas had heard the song before but couldn't name it, but he knew it was about soulmates. They sat there quietly for a moment until Dean turned to look at him.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" he asked quietly, almost tentatively.

"Yeah, sure," Cas nodded and took a sip.

"Do you- What happened with-" Dean swallowed, thinking for a moment before looking Cas right in the eyes. "Have you met your soulmate?"

Cas choked on his beer, his bottle slipped from his hand and dropped to the floor. It fell to its side and beer flowed onto the carpet.

"Shit! Cas, you okay?" Dean quickly put his own bottle on the table before patting Cas roughly on the back. Cas coughed a couple more times, tears in his eyes as he tried to breathe.

"I'm fine," he wheezed. Dean picked up his bottle but the carpet was already wet.

"What happened?"

"Wrong pipe," Cas coughed again, wiping at his eyes. "Fuck, I spilled beer everywhere!"

Cas got up, still clearing his throat. He rushed to his bedroom, dug a towel from the closet and came back. He kneeled on the floor and pressed the towel onto the beer stain, trying to soak up as much of it as he could.

"Cas?" Dean asked quietly. Cas glanced at him from the corner of his eyes.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Dean gasped so quietly Cas barely heard it. "Oh, I'm so sorry, that must be horrible!"

Cas furrowed his brow in confusion until he got what Dean meant.

"No, they're not dead!" Cas corrected him.

"Oh? Then what happened?"

"Dean! I said I don't want to talk about it!" Cas snapped. Dean flinched, leaning back to put some space between them.

"Right. I'm sorry, it's none of my business." Dean nodded, looking down to the floor. Cas sighed loudly.

"I'm gonna go throw this in the laundry." Cas held up the towel as he got up. With shaky legs, he hurried to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He dropped the towel on the floor and gripped the edge of the sink. He took a couple of shaky breaths, squeezing his eyes shut. His insides were twisting, his heart felt tight and he thought he would throw up. He opened the tap and splashed cold water onto his face.

_It's okay, there's no way he could know. Get yourself together._

He quickly dried his face, took a couple more deep breaths before slowly walking back into the living room. Dean was still on the couch where he had left him, looking up at him with wide, apologetic eyes.

"Cas, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," Dean said softly, keeping his eyes on Cas the whole time as he made his way back to him.

"It's okay, you didn't know. I just... I don't want to talk about it, I don't even want to think about it." Castiel sighed, leaning his hip against the couch. Dean chuckled humorlessly.

"Yeah, I get that."

Castiel felt that bang in his stomach again. He looked away, letting his gaze travel around the room until he spotted the two empty bottles on the table. Dean must had finished his beer while Cas was in the bathroom.

"Another one?" Cas pointed at the bottles.

"Oh, yeah, thanks."

Cas took the empty bottles to the kitchen and returned with two full ones. They sat next to each other in silence for several minutes, and for the first time that night it felt truly awkward. Cas couldn't come up with anything to say, he couldn't add anything to the previous subject but he didn't know what else to talk about, either. He took big gulps of his beer to calm his nerves.

"So... Should we watch a movie?" Dean suggested. Cas turned to look at him.

"Yeah, sure. Sounds good. Horror? Action?"

"Action movies work every time. Could you hand me your laptop?" Dean asked. Cas put his bottle away and handed Dean the laptop. Dean scrolled through Netflix for a few minutes before they decided on a movie. Cas connected the laptop to the TV and they hit play. Sitting in silence while a movie was playing was a lot less awkward than sitting in silence without it.

Dean left soon after the movie had ended. They had chatted a little more, joked and teased each other, but the mood never shifted back to being quite as easy and light as it had been before Dean had asked the question.

After quickly cleaning the living room Cas spent hours just lying in his bed, trying to fall asleep. He stared at the wall in darkness, his mind and soul battling inside of him. He was completely lost with Dean, he knew he shouldn't see him again, knew that Dean would never give him the only thing Cas wanted, but at the same time, he was longing for him, wishing he could curl up against Dean's side. Maybe then he could sleep.


	6. Meeting the sister

Cas knocked on the door while sipping from his to-go cup. After a moment Anna opened the door, looking down at his cup before sighing.

"You knew I'd make coffee but you still had to get it on your way here?" She put her hand on her hip, her tone reminding Castiel just how much he hated his addiction.

"You don't have an espresso maker, so." Cas shrugged as he stepped inside.

"I'm not making you any more coffee," Anna informed, walking past him to the kitchen. Cas followed her, taking another sip. Charlie had once again outdone herself, he decided as he swallowed.

"It's okay, I can get more on my way home." Cas leaned against the kitchen island. Anna turned around to look at him, a challenging look in her eyes.

"I'm kidding!" Cas grinned. Anna rolled her eyes and pulled two water bottles from the fridge.

"You're gonna get a heart attack one day, mark my words," she muttered.

"How's the vacation going?" Cas asked.

"It's fine, I've gotten a lot of writing done in the last two weeks, so that's something." Anna shrugged.

"So, when's the next best seller getting published?"

Anna gave him a bored look. "Ha ha. Probably never, and even if I do get it published, it wouldn't be a best seller."

"Hey, now, don't say that. I've read your stories, they're amazing. The way you create worlds and describe them to the reader always pulls me in. Have you shown Charlie that fantasy novel you wrote a couple of years ago? She'd love that."

Anna looked at him a little shyly. "You think so?"

"Yeah! She would die to read it if you told her about it. You should show your stories to more people, I'm sure they'd all love them!" Castiel smiled widely.

"Maybe I could show her that. They are huge nerds, after all, her and Gilda." Anna grinned.

"They are," Cas agreed, chuckling. He finished his coffee and Anna took the cup from him immediately, dropping it into a trash can.

"Drink some water," she shoved the bottle closer to him. Cas rolled his eyes but took the bottle anyway.

"How have you been lately?" Anna asked as she opened her own bottle.

"I'm fine. I mean... I'm fine, I'm okay." Cas shrugged, staring at the bottle he was holding.

"Okay, and now without the lies, please," Anna said. Cas chuckled awkwardly.

"No, I'm honestly fine."

"Have you heard anything from Dean lately? Have you seen him?" Anna went right to the subject Cas had been trying to avoid.

"We, uh. He came by last weekend." Cas admitted.

"What do you mean by 'came by'? Stopped by or stayed longer?" Anna's brow furrowed.

"He stayed for about five hours. We hang out, had some beer, watched a movie." Cas shrugged like it was nothing. Anna's loud sigh made him look up at her.

"Cas... Why are you doing this to yourself?" She pulled a chair for herself and sat down. Cas took a seat at the other side of the kitchen island.

"He wanted to have a movie night, so... I don't know, I kinda like spending time with him, even though it still hurts."

"You're playing with fire. If you keep hanging out with him all the time, eventually he's gonna find out." Anna tilted her head to the side, her expression sad.

"He's not gonna find out," Cas argued quietly.

"He is. And no one can know how he's gonna react once he does find out. From what you've told me about him, I'm scared that his reaction wouldn't be positive. Cas," Anna reached over the table to put her hand on his arm, "I'm scared he'd hurt you. I mean physically hurt you. He could get mad that you've lied to him for so long and he could--" Anna swallowed hard, glancing down.

Cas felt a pressure around his chest. He didn't think Dean would get violent if he ever found out, but did he really know for sure? Did he know Dean that well yet? He guessed he didn't, and he knew he had no idea how Dean would react if he found out the truth.

"He has already hurt you in so many different ways, I don't want to see him hurting you physically too. Cas, I'm pretty sure that no matter what his reaction would be, it'd hurt you. He could walk off, he could get mad and yell, and you'd never see him again." Anna looked up at him, staring deep into his eyes as she spoke. Cas sighed and looked away.

"You're right. If he ever found out I'd never see him again. I don't know what else he'd do, but I'm absolutely sure he'd walk straight out of my life. He has talked so much about how he doesn't want a soulmate that I think he'd walk away just out of spite, if not for anything else." Cas sighed.

"You have to stop spending time with him before he finds out."

Cas shook his head. "He won't find out, I'll make sure of it. I'm making sure of it every single day."

"So you're willing to live a lie for the rest of your life?" Anna asked.

Cas didn't answer. He rubbed his thumb anxiously against the side of the bottle.

"Cas, for your own good; end it."

Cas looked up at his sister with pleading eyes. His vision was blurred with unshed tears.

"I can't," he whispered.

Anna was up from her seat in a blink. She walked around the island until she was standing right next to her brother. She hugged Cas, pulling his head against her chest. Cas let the tears fall, shaking against Anna who rubbed a gentle hand up and down his back.

"I'm here for you, Cas. I'll always be here, no matter what happens. I can't make you change your mind, no matter how much I wish I could, so I'll be here when or if it all goes to shit," she spoke quietly. Cas wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her closer.

"I wish I could just... push him away. But I can't, Anna. I can't. I'm not strong enough," Cas sobbed.

"I know, Cas. No one is, that's why they're called soulmates. Maybe... maybe Dean won't be strong enough, either. Maybe he wouldn't be able to push you away if he knew the truth."

Cas shook his head, pulling away from his sister's hold.

"No, no. He'd leave and never come back." Cas wiped his eyes on the back of his hand.

"You can't know that. If you can't stay away from him then maybe you should just tell him?" Anna suggested.

"What happened to you thinking I should never see him again?" Cas smiled weakly.

"You crying like three seconds ago, that's what happened. And, I don't know, I just realized that he probably wouldn't be able to stay away from you, either. Even if he knew."

"But what if he does hurt me? Punch me in the face or beat me to death?" Cas asked, reaching for the roll of paper towels on the other end of the island.

"You could tell him somewhere public so that people could help you if he did attack you."

Cas blew his nose, wiping the rest of his tears from under his eyes with a clean corner of the tissue.

"I don't know. I just don't want to get my heart broken any more than it already is. You haven't heard him all those times when he has talked about how much he doesn't want a soulmate. I don't think he'd stay, not for me." He shook his head.

Anna stared at him with sad eyes for a long time. She moved to the counter, pulling the coffee machine closer to the edge of it.

"You want some coffee?" She held up the empty pot.

"I thought you weren't gonna make any for me?" Cas grinned.

"You look like you need it." She shrugged, turning to fill the pot with water.

Cas smiled at her back, finally unscrewing the lid off the water bottle. He sipped on the water as he watched his sister preparing the coffee while actively pushing every thought of Dean out of his head.

He'd come up with something, some solution to fix his situation.

 

* * *

 

"The usual?" Charlie grinned from the other side of the counter when Cas stopped in front of it.

"Yes, thank you. I'd ask you to slip some rum into it but I don't wanna get you fired," Cas chuckled. Charlie started to prepare his drink, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Tired?"

"Nah. Got yelled at by a patient's mother. So, just annoyed." He shrugged.

"We could get drunk while watching a movie?" Charlie suggested. It was Friday, so they had planned to watch a movie at Cas' place later that day. Anna was coming, too.

"Fuck, yes! I'll buy something on my way home, do you want wine?" Cas smiled widely.

"Yeah. Buy  something stronger too, let's make drinks!"

Cas chuckled. "Okay, sounds good."

Charlie put Cas' coffee on the counter, punching the prize into the machine. Cas swiped his card, pocketed his wallet and took the first sip of his coffee.

"Mmh. You make the best coffee, ever." Cas praised.

"I know. Now move, you're blocking the line." Charlie grinned, shooing him away. Cas waved his hand, smiling at her as he walked to the door.

He was heading to the liquor store closest to his house when his phone rang. He dug his phone out of his pocket, smiling a little when he saw Dean's name on the screen.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey. Hey, you wanna hang out tonight? I had a day off and I've been just cleaning my apartment all day, I need to get out of here and actually see other humans today," Dean said cheerfully.

"Uh, actually, I'm having a movie night with Anna and Charlie," Cas answered.

"Cool! Got room for one more friend to join in?" Dean asked.

Cas considered how mad Anna would get if he invited Dean over, too. Pretty mad, probably.

"Sure, why not. The girls are coming around seven. We're drinking so bring your own drinks if you want to. I'm just heading to the liquor store to get something strong too, Charlie wanted to make drinks," Castiel said. He took a small sip of his coffee to make sure it hadn't gone cold yet.

"Sounds like fun, I'll be there. I better go shower now, I probably smell like cleaning products and sweat," Dean laughed. Castiel smiled, looking left and right before crossing a street.

"Okay. Well, see you later, then." Cas said.

"Yeah, see ya, Cas!"

Cas pocketed his phone, smiling a little to himself. He shouldn't be this excited to spend time with Dean again, especially when his sister was gonna be there too, but he couldn't wipe the smile off his lips.

As soon as he got home he put all the drinks in the fridge, only then noticing that he didn't have any kind of snacks. He pulled out his phone and shoot a quick message to the group chat he had with the girls, telling them to bring something. He left the phone on his bedside table as he stripped out of his clothes, heading to the shower.

 

* * *

 

"We got snacks!" Charlie announced when Cas let them in. She was holding a plastic bag that seemed to be about to burst.

"Good. Anna, I bought that red wine you like." He looked over Charlie's head to address his sister. Anna looked up at him.

"Oh. I bought a bottle too, Charlie texted me that we were gonna drink so I bought it on my way home."

"Well, seems like you're getting drunk tonight, then." Castiel chuckled.

The girls made their way to the kitchen and immediately started pulling serving bowls out of the cabinets. Cas stopped at the doorway, rubbing his neck.

"Uh, Anna? Charlie?"

Anna turned to look at him while ripping open a bag of chips.

"I invited- Well, I didn't actually invite him, he kinda invited himself and I didn't say no..." Cas said awkwardly. Anna looked at him confused.

"Who?"

"Uh, Dean. He's coming here tonight. For the movie night."

That got Charlie's attention too and she straightened up from where she had been digging for a bowl for the dip.

"Wait, what? Dean, as in your _soulmate who doesn't know he's your soulmate_ Dean? He's coming here tonight?" She asked, her eyes wide.

"Yes, that Dean. And yes, he's probably gonna be here any minute now." Cas shrugged awkwardly.

"Why didn't you warn me beforehand?" Anna hissed, her eyes fiery.

"Uh, I... Didn't have time to?"

"You had time to tell us to bring snacks but you didn't have time to tell that that.... that monster is going to join our movie night?" Anna gestured wildly with her hands.

"I'm sorry. I knew you'd get mad, I'm so sorry." Cas sighed.

"You knew I'd get mad, is that why you didn't tell?" Anna crossed her arms over her chest.

"Uh... Maybe?"

Just as Anna was about to open her mouth, the doorbell rang. They all turned to look towards the door.

"No word about the soulmate thing!" Cas hissed, pointing a finger at both of them.

"Of course not. But I'm not gonna be nice to him," Anna hissed back at him. Cas rolled his eyes as he turned around, heading to the door.

Dean was grinning widely, holding a six pack in his hands.

"Hey, Cas." He greeted as he pushed right past him into the apartment. Dean smelt strongly of generic men's body wash and his hair still seemed to be a little damp, he had probably showered just before leaving. Cas braced himself as he pulled the door closed, and when he turned around he saw an excited looking Charlie and a very pissed Anna standing in the kitchen doorway, staring at Dean.

"Uh, Dean, this is my sister Anna, and this is our friend Charlie. She works at the coffee place we went to, I don't know if you remember." Cas gestured between them.

Charlie stepped forward, holding her hand out. Dean took it, smiling as they shook hands.

"Nice to meet you, Charlie. Yeah, I remember seeing you on the other side of the counter." Dean nodded.

"Dean thought we had a thing," Cas stage whispered to her, attempting to lighten the mood. Dean pulled his hand back, a bright blush covering his cheeks.

"No, I didn't! It was just a joke, come on Cas!" Dean shrieked.

"You did!" Cas laughed.

Anna cleared her throat loudly, and everyone's head turned to face her.

"Hi, it's nice to meet you. Cas has told me a lot about you. Only good things, I promise." Dean smiled as he walked over to her, offering her his hand. Anna looked down at it like she was disgusted by it, but shook his hand anyway.

"Hi, _Dean_." The way Anna said the name made it sound like an insult. Cas was standing a little further behind Dean but he could still see the way his shoulders jerked back.

"Uh, Cas, can I put the beer in the fridge?" Dean asked, slowly turning to look at him. Cas noticed how Dean took a step back from his sister, putting some space between them. The air in the room felt freezing and uncomfortable.

"Yes, of course." Cas jumped to motion, guiding Dean to the kitchen, even though Dean had been there before. "I can take those," Cas took the six pack from Dean's hands.

"Uh, is it okay that I came?" Dean asked quietly once they were alone in the kitchen.

"Yes, yes of course!" Cas answered, his voice pitching up. "Uh, Charlie? Drinks?" He called to the other room before Dean could ask anything more. Charlie appeared in the doorway in a blink, rubbing her hands together.

"What did you get?" She asked, a big grin on her lips.

"Vodka, mango liqueur, pineapple juice and orange juice. I don't know if it's gonna even make any actual drink but we both like fruity drinks so I figured these would be good?" Cas shrugged. Maybe he should've searched for some actual drink recipes online before buying anything.

"Sounds good to me," Charlie shrugged, still smiling. Cas nodded and went to get them four tall glasses.

"So, Charlie. Cas told me you met your soulmate the day after you got your tattoo." Dean started conversationally. Charlie's smile turned fond immediately.

"Yeah, she got her tattoo the same night. We had been friends for a couple of years already and I had the biggest crush on her. Honestly, I was so scared to show her my tattoo, I couldn't even imagine they'd match. I always thought it'd have to be someone completely new, you know? Someone I didn't know before I got the tattoo." Charlie explained. Dean just nodded, so she continued.

"We both just stared at each other's tattoos for a good minute before we started crying. That's the first time I kissed her," Charlie sighed happily, staring into the distance.

"That sounds like a fairytale," Dean chuckled gently. "Where is she now?"

"At work. She's a nurse. We're actually planning on adopting a baby soon, so she works the night shift almost every weekend. They suck ass but they also pay a lot better than day shifts. She's working her ass off to earn extra and I try to help the best I can. I've taken a lot more shifts, too, and I'm trying to find another job." She explained, somehow sounding both hopeful and sad at the same time.

"You'll get there. I'm sure you'll be great moms," Dean smiled gently. Charlie looked up at him, looking so touched.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Cas screwed open the vodka bottle and poured some on the bottom of each glass. He added the liqueur next, then filling the glasses to the brim with the juices. Charlie scooped ice into a bowl before Cas could even ask her to. Cas smiled at her as they stirred the drinks.

"Somebody try it, I'm nervous." Cas chuckled. Dean reached past him, took the glass closest to him and lifted it to his lips. After taking a sip he smacked his lips loudly several times, squinting a little.

"It's fruity, cold, I think it has alcohol in it... Yeah, I think we'll get drunk on this!" He announced. Cas laughed, slapping his arm.

"But is it good?"

"Yeah, it's good, Cas. Really good." Dean took a bigger gulp of his drink, looking at Cas the whole time. Cas smiled proudly.

Charlie took one of the glasses and Castiel carried the two remaining ones to the living room where his sister was sitting on the couch, texting with someone.

"A drink?" Cas held it out for her.

"Yes, thank you. I don't think I'll survive tonight sober," she mumbled. Cas glanced towards the kitchen doorway. Dean and Charlie were still in there, talking.

"You acting so cold towards him is suspicious, stop it!" He whispered at her angrily, leaning down towards her.

"How can I? You've been crying against my shoulder several times in the last few months, and every time it was because of him! I've seen how much you hurt and now you expect me to act like it's fine?" Anna hissed at him.

Dean and Charlie stepped into the room, laughing loudly at something. Cas straightened back up, shooting Anna a warning look. Charlie made her way to her favorite spot, the big arm chair in the corner of the room where she'd have the perfect view of the TV. Cas kept a blanket folded neatly over the armrest because Charlie loved wrapping herself in it, even when she didn't actually need it during summer. Cas guessed it was some kind of comfort thing.

Cas' couch was barely big enough for three people. Dean glanced down at Anna who was already on the couch, then up at Cas. Cas nodded his head towards the other side of the couch and Dean stepped over Anna's outstretched legs, pushing himself to the far corner of the couch. Cas sat down between them, handing Anna the laptop that he had already connected to the TV.

As Cas relaxed against the backrest his side was pressed against Dean's. Cas looked up at him apologetically but Dean just shrugged a shoulder and didn't seem to mind. Cas leaned a tiny bit closer to his sister, desperately trying to put some distance between him and Dean, even though it was practically impossible on his small couch.

As Anna was scrolling through Netflix Dean cleared his throat.

"Do you guys have a system for how you choose the movies?" he asked.

"Yes, we take turns. Last time it was Charlie's pick, this time it's Anna's and next week I get to choose what we watch." Castiel explained.

"As a newbie do I get a say?" Dean grinned at him.

"No!" Anna snapped before Cas could even open his mouth. Dean looked at him with wide eyes, shuffling awkwardly on his seat. Cas couldn't do more than shrug apologetically.

Anna chose the movie, pressed play and put the laptop down next to the couch. They all relaxed in their seats, concentrating on the movie and sipping on their drinks. Castiel smiled to himself when he noticed Charlie wrapping herself in the blanket.

About half an hour into the movie Dean lifted his arm over the back of the couch, behind Cas' head. He leaned towards the corner of the couch, relaxing even further into the soft cushions. Cas glanced to his side and Dean caught him looking, giving him a small smile.

It'd be so easy to just lean towards him, press his face against Dean's chest, wrap his arm around his middle. Dean might even allow him to, if he felt the same pull between them as Cas did. Suddenly Cas wanted nothing more than to be held by his soulmate, to have Dean's strong arm wrapped around his shoulders, rubbing gently on his arm.

Cas shuffled forward on the couch, sitting almost on the edge of it to put some space between them. If he couldn't see Dean he wouldn't want to snuggle up next to him. He leaned his forearms on his knees, staring at the TV and pushing everything except the movie out of his mind.

"I'll make another drink," Charlie whispered, holding up her empty glass as she unwrapped herself from the blanket. Cas stood up quickly, joining Charlie as she made her way to the kitchen.

"You okay?" She asked quietly. Cas looked towards the doorway to make sure no one else had decided to follow them before pulling her to the furthest corner of the room.

"He's distracting. I have no idea what's happened in the movie so far," Cas sighed.

"The connection between you two is getting stronger." Charlie nodded. Cas looked at her confused.

"What do you mean?"

"It gets stronger each time you spend time with him, didn't you know that?"

"No! Fuck, so if I had just said no when he first asked me to spend time with him... If I'd kept saying no, it would've been easier to get over him?" Cas sighed.

"Well, yes, I guess so." Charlie shrugged.

"Fuck."

They both looked up when they heard footsteps approaching. Dean walked into the room, looking back to the living room from over his shoulder.

"Uh, hi."

"Hello. You want another drink, too?" Castiel asked. Charlie slipped between them to get the bottles out of the fridge.

"I think I'll take a beer, don't wanna get too drunk." Dean grinned.

Charlie handed him a beer before closing the fridge again, all the bottles already on the table.

"Does the drink master want to do this or may I try?" She grinned at Cas, making him chuckle.

"Go ahead, it's your poison."

Charlie fixed the drinks for herself and Castiel, her tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth as she filled the glasses. She moved quickly, dropping a couple of ice cubes into the glasses before stirring them. She handed Cas his glass, asking him to try it.

"It's good. Delicious." Cas nodded, licking his lips. Charlie smiled widely, looking between the two men before turning around and returning to the living room.

"Dude, what's wrong with your sister?" Dean hissed as soon as they were alone.

"What do you mean?"

"I've never even met her before but she acts like I kicked her puppy! I tried to make a funny comment about the movie but she just scoffed and rolled her eyes. Not to mention how rude she was when I got here." Dean explained.

"Don't take it personally, she always takes a while to get used to new people. She'll come around," Cas lied smoothly.

"Oh, wow. I bet she has a lot of friends with that attitude." Dean raised his eyebrows mockingly.

"She does, actually." Cas deadpanned. Dean straightened up, blinking a couple of times as he stared at Cas.

"Oh. Well, anyway... Uh, should we go back in there?" Dean nodded his head towards the doorway, but he looked like he was hoping Cas would say no.

"Yes, I want to see how the movie ends," Cas said, already pushing past Dean. He could hear Dean sighing behind him before he heard his footsteps following him into the living room.

The rest of the movie night went by smoothly, and by the time the movie was over Cas felt pleasantly buzzed. Anna still wasn't saying much but Cas didn't let that bother him. As long as Anna wasn't spilling his secrets to Dean, Cas was fine with her grumpiness.

"Who wants another drink?" Charlie, obviously more than a little tipsy, asked as she stood up a bit too quickly, resulting in her having to grab the armrest of the chair to keep her balance. Anna stood up from her seat, too.

"I think I'm gonna go." She announced. Charlie's smile fell.

"But you're my ride."

The stern look on Anna's face softened a little when she turned to look at her friend. She glanced at the two men sitting on the couch, looking like she didn't know what to do.

"I can drive you home later if you want to stay," Dean suddenly said, addressing Charlie. Anna looked from him to her friend.

"Is that okay with you?" She asked gently.

"Yeah, of course. Are you sure you need to go already?" Charlie pouted, moving closer to Anna. She put her arms around her neck, clinging to her as she gave her her best puppy dog eyes. Anna chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Yes, I have to get up early tomorrow because... I have a lot of exams to grade. It's gonna take all weekend." Anna said. Cas could tell she was lying, he knew his sister well, but he kept his mouth shut.

"Fine," Charlie sighed, stretching the word. She let go of her friend, patting her shoulder once.

"Cas, I'll call you later," Anna said pointedly. Cas swallowed hard before nodding.

"Yes, of course. I'll walk you to the door." He pushed himself up, guiding Anna out of the living room with a hand on her upper back.

As soon as they were at the front door, Anna turned her fierce glare at Cas.

"Stop torturing yourself," she hissed. "Don't let him stay too long, make him leave soon."

"Yes, of course. We'll have one more drink, then I'll pretend to be tired so they'll leave. I'll be fine, Anna. Don't worry about me." Cas put a hand on her shoulder. Anna sighed softly.

"I always worry about you. Mostly because you're a fucking idiot." She grinned.

"Get the fuck out of my house," Cas laughed. Anna chuckled as she took her purse, checking that she had her phone with her.

"Love you too, brother. See you later. Bye Charlie!" She called to the other room. They heard Charlie's voice yelling 'bye Anna', and they smiled at each other.

"Good night," Cas said as Anna stepped outside.

"Night, Castiel. Make sure he leaves soon," Anna hissed quietly one last time before closing the door. Cas sighed, rubbing his forehead before walking back to the living room.

"Charlie, another drink? Dean, do you want anything?" He asked politely. Charlie jumped up from where she had sat next to Dean.

"I think I'll have just water from now on, or soda if you have any," Dean said as he stood up. Charlie was already making her way into the kitchen.

"Cas, you'll drink with me, right?" She grinned. Cas chuckled.

"Sure. Fix me another one." He smiled.

Cas got Dean a can of coke while Charlie mixed their drinks.

Dean and Charlie were joking together while Cas leaned against the kitchen counter, slowly sipping on his drink. His eyes were glued on Dean, the way the corners of his eyes wrinkled just a little bit when he laughed, to the way his lips tugged up while he was telling some funny story and trying not to laugh. Dean's laugh was beautiful, and Cas couldn't get enough of it. A warm feeling filled his chest as he let himself dream for a little while that he could have this, that he could have Dean.

They could live together there in Cas' house or they could buy a new house, their house. They'd have friends over, Dean would charm all their guests. Cas could just walk up to him, wrap his arm around his hips and pull him into a kiss. And later, when all their friend would've left, they could go to bed together, hold each other close and fall asleep wrapped up in each other's arms.

"Earth to Cas, you in there, buddy?" Dean's voice snapped him out of his dreams.

"W-what?"

"Where were you?" Dean chuckled.

"Nowhere, I was..." Cas cleared his throat. He glanced at Charlie who was looking at him knowingly.

"Yeah, right. Anyway, we have to go. Or, I have to go, I bet she'd like to stay for like... seven more drinks, but I have work tomorrow, so." Dean shrugged.

"Oh, right, of course!" Cas put his drink down. Charlie's glass was already empty, and Cas begin to wonder how long he had been daydreaming. Cas walked with them to the hallway.

"This was fun, I'd like to join you guys again some other time if that's okay with you?" Dean smiled.

"Yes! Of course!" Charlie answered before Cas could even open his mouth.

"Okay, cool. I'm not sure how your sister is gonna feel about it, though." Dean looked at Cas, but Cas waved him off.

"She'll come around. Like I said, it's nothing personal."

"I sure hope so. I'll see you soon, okay? Good night, Cas." Dean waved as he opened the door. Cas waved back with a small smile on his lips.

Charlie was just about to follow Dean out of the door when Cas grabbed her arm.

"Charlie, I know you're drunk but listen to me. Keep your mouth shut during the drive, okay? Don't tell him, you know... Okay?" Cas whispered. Charlie pulled herself free from his grip.

"I'm drunk, not an idiot. I'd never tell him." She hissed back at him.

"Of course. I'm sorry, you're right. Hey, come here." Cas opened his arms for her, and Charlie came willingly. "I love you."

"Love you too, Cas. Okay, see you later. Thanks for the booze." She grinned as she pulled away from the hug. moving towards the open door.

"You're welcome. Text me when you get home."

Charlie snorted. "Okay, mom. Bye!" She closed the door with a bit too much force, the slam making Cas jump a little. He could just barely hear Charlie yelling 'sorry!' from the other side of the door. He chuckled to himself, shaking his head as he walked back to the kitchen and started to clean up.

His mind wandered back to the universe he had imagined before, the one where Dean wouldn't leave with everyone else, the one where Dean would stay to clean up with him, the one where Dean would push him against the fridge and kiss him until Cas didn't remember his own name. An ice cold shiver ran through him at the realization that he'd never have that with Dean. He leaned against the sink where he had just put the empty glasses, breathing heavily as tears suddenly filled his eyes.

Cas wasn't sure why was he suddenly crying when he hadn't cried because of Dean in a long time? Was it because the bond between them was getting stronger like Charlie had said? Cas wiped his eyes on the back of his hand, telling himself to stop crying. He was fine, he didn't need Dean or anyone else, he could be happy on his own. He'd just have to somehow forget about every dream he had ever had about his future with his soulmate and replace those with... Dreams of him, alone in a big house. He could get a cat. Or a dog. Cas sighed. He'd finish cleaning up in the morning, now he just wanted to crawl into bed, bury himself under the covers and sleep for ten hours.

He did fall asleep quickly, but he didn't manage to get Dean out of his head. In his dream, Dean pushed him on the bed, kissing him roughly as he touched him all over before sliding into him. Dean fucked him deep and slow, whispering words that Cas would never hear from him in real life. _I love you. I'm yours. My soulmate._

Cas woke up panting and hard, but he refused to touch himself. He punched his pillow as he flipped to his side, keeping his hands over the covers. He'd never touch himself while thinking about Dean, ever.


	7. Don't let him see it

"Did Dean tell you?" Charlie asked as soon as Cas stopped in front of the counter. For a moment Cas thought she was going to jump _on_ the counter, she seemed so excited.

"Tell me what?" Cas asked.

"What he did!"

"What did he do?"

"He got me a new job!" Charlie announced loudly, clapping her hands quickly. Cas' eyes widened.

"What? Wait, what? He got you a new job? What job?" Castiel was confused on so many levels.

"At the day care. I can't believe he didn't tell you. When he drove me home from your place two weeks ago, he told me that the daycare he works in was looking for a new nanny, and I told him I'd love to get that job. He promised to mention me to his boss, I sent them an email, went to an interview and got the call yesterday that I got the job!" She explained, talking fast. She was smiling so widely that Cas was scared she'd pull a muscle.

"That's amazing! Congratulation, Charlie. I'm so happy for you." Castiel smiled, reaching over the counter to hug her. "So, are you gonna quit this job?"

"Oh, no. Both of my bosses know I have two jobs now, and I've already agreed with them that I'll be doing the morning shift at the daycare and evening shifts here. It was totally cool with both of them." Charlie told him.

"That's great!"

"I'm finally able to put more effort into getting a baby with Gilda," Charlie said dreamily, looking somewhere above Castiel. "This is gonna speed up the baby project so much. It's also gonna cut the time we get to spend together a lot, but... I guess that's a sacrifice I'm gonna have to make." She sighed.

"Hey," Cas took her hand. "You two are gonna be the best moms ever. It's gonna be worth it." He smiled. Charlie looked at him with the softest smile on her face.

"Thanks, Cas."

Cas squeezed her hand gently before pulling back. Charlie straightened up, too.

"The usual?" She asked with a smile still on her lips.

"Yes, please."

"I still can't believe Dean didn't tell you about this. Have you seen him since the movie night?" Charlie asked, standing sideways to Cas as she prepared his coffee.

"No, he had to switch to a later shift at work, so when I'm free he's at work and the other way around. We've been texting daily." Cas shrugged.

"That sucks," Charlie said.

"Yeah, kinda..." Cas answered quietly. Charlie placed the to-go cup in front of him, and Cas pulled a $10 from his pocket.

"See you later," Cas nodded as he picked up his cup.

"Dude, you just tipped me like over double the price of your drink," Charlie said, holding the bill.

Cas grinned, "well, I can't wait to have a tiny human running around, calling me uncle-Cas." He shrugged. Charlie rolled her eyes, a fond smile on her lips. Cas waved goodbye before exiting the shop.

Cas sipped on his coffee as he made his way down the road. Dean had gotten Charlie a job. That was really nice of him, Cas hadn't known Dean would be so kind, helping someone he barely knew with something so big. Dean knew Charlie and Gilda were saving money for the adoption, Cas had told him that a long time ago. A warm feeling of affection rose up in his chest but he quickly shook it off.

 

* * *

 

A couple of days later Cas was going through his mail after just arriving home from work when he received a text from Dean.

_'Got the evening off for the first time in ages! Wanna hang out? I was thinking we could cook something, how does that sound?'_

Cas' heart skipped a beat, feeling butterflies in his stomach. He took a calming, deep breath before starting to type an answer.

_'Hey. Sounds good to me, I could eat. Your place or mine?'_

Not even a minute later, Dean answered.

_'Your kitchen is bigger. I could bring groceries. Is it okay if I get moving right away? I'm kinda starving.'_

Cas couldn't help himself but imagine how close to his dream this was. He got home from work, his soulmate would be there soon with groceries, they'd cook and eat together. If he ignored the fact that Dean was probably at his own home right now, he could imagine that they lived together, that Dean would just stop by at a grocery store on his way home from work.

_'Sure, I just got home. I'll leave the door unlocked.'_

He rushed to change into something more casual before going to check if his kitchen needed a quick cleaning. It didn't, it never did. Cas was a very neat person, he liked his home to be spotless. He wanted to pull out cooking equipment and ingredients they'd need but he had no idea what they were cooking. He checked his phone. There was one new message from Dean, but all it said was _'cool. I'll be there in about half an hour!'_

 Cas checked himself in the bathroom mirror, quickly trying to fix his messy hair before giving up on it. He brushed his teeth, even though he had done that in the morning, but he didn't know what else to do while waiting for Dean a little anxiously, so at least he could make sure his breath didn't stink.

A few moments later he heard the door opening and heavy footsteps entering the house. He definitely wasn't used to anyone just walking into his home, and even though he had been waiting for Dean the sound still made him jump a little.

"Cas? I come with food!" Dean hollered just as Cas stepped into the hallway.

"Hello, Dean. I can take those." He held out his hands to take the grocery bags from Dean.

"Thanks, buddy." Dean smiled as he handed them over.

"So, what are we having?" Cas asked curiously, walking towards the kitchen.

"Chicken wok with vegetables and noodles," Dean announced.

"Sounds good. Wash your hands first." Cas nodded towards the sink, lifting the bags on the kitchen island.

"You sound like me at work, always reminding everyone to wash their hands," Dean chuckled.

"Hey, Charlie told me you got her a job," Castiel remembered.

"Huh? Oh, right. I didn't do much, it was all her." Dean shrugged like it was nothing.

"She wouldn't have even known about the job if you haven't told her, and she said you had mentioned her to your boss. You did do a lot, Dean. It was very kind of you." Castiel insisted. Dean looked down.

"Yeah, well... I just thought- They're saving money for the adoption, and like... Working with kids could kinda give her some experience, you know?" Dean looked so shy. The man obviously didn't know how to take a compliment.

"You did her a huge favor. She was basically jumping up and down the day after she got the job, you should've seen her." Cas smiled.

"I'm happy I could help her." Dean shrugged, still acting like it was nothing. Cas sighed, letting the subject drop.

"Where do we start?" He turned back towards the grocery bags, pulling everything out of them. Dean came to stand next to him.

"We need to cut the vegetables first, they need to be sliced thin so they cook faster," Dean said. Cas took the bell peppers and went to wash them at the sink.

Dean was moving around his kitchen like he belonged there. He was pulling pots and pans out of the cabinets, seeming like he knew where everything was. Cas took the task of slicing the vegetables at the counter. He cut the bell peppers in half, removed the seeds and had just started slicing it when Dean stopped next to him.

"You need to make them even thinner. Here, let me show you," Dean said. Cas was about to hand him the knife when Dean stepped behind him. Cas' heart stopped when Dean brought his arms around him and placed his hands over Cas'. He was standing so close that Cas could feel the warmth of his body against his back.

"Like this," Dean said quietly right next to his ear. Cas kept his eyes down, scared to even breathe. Being this close to Dean made his heart hammer loudly, his whole body stiff, his skin feeling burning hot at every spot where Dean was touching him. Dean's hands were gripping his gently, moving the knife, slicing the pepper into perfect tiny slices.

"I need some water!" Cas said loudly, practically jumping out of Dean's hold. The knife dropped onto the cutting board and Dean straightened up, staring at him with wide eyes.

"Oh. Of course."

Cas rummaged through the fridge only to notice he had no bottled water. He closed the fridge quickly, taking in a deep breath. He could feel Dean's eyes on him but luckily he wasn't saying anything. Cas closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm down. He blinked his eyes open, took another deep breath and opened the fridge again. He took an orange juice bottle and turned towards Dean with a smile on his lips.

"Juice?"

"Uh, sure." Dean nodded. Cas was already pulling two glasses from the cabinet. He poured them full, shoving one of them to Dean before emptying his on three huge gulps.

"Thirsty?" Dean chuckled.

"Yeah, a little." Cas nodded. He moved quickly back to the counter and continued to slice the peppers. When he glanced to his side, Dean was just putting the chicken on the pan, whistling to himself, acting like nothing had happened. Maybe Dean hadn't thought it was anything out of ordinary, maybe that was how he helped all his friends to chop vegetables. Maybe Cas was the only one who's heart had jumped up to his throat. It could be, after all, Dean still didn't know they were soulmates. He most likely saw Cas just as a friend and didn't think more of the casual closeness.

Cas chopped the peppers and green onions and threw them into the pan when Dean told him to. He leaned against the counter, feeling a lot more relaxed than before as he watched Dean stirring the wok. He had panicked for no reason earlier, he understood that now.

"Here, try this," Dean said, holding up the spatula with a tiny piece of chicken and onion on the tip of it. Castiel moved closer and happened to look up into Dean's eyes just as he put his mouth on the spatula. Something flashed in Dean's eyes, a hunger, making his eyes seem darker for a moment there. Cas pulled away, covering his mouth with his hand as he chewed.

"It's good. Really good." He nodded, avoiding Dean's gaze. Dean didn't say anything for a moment, he just kept staring at Cas until he finally seemed to snap out of it.

"Great! I think it's done, let's just mix the noodles in here and we can eat," Dean said, turning towards the stove. He drained the noodles and dumped them into the wok pan. Cas made the table for them, putting their plates on the opposite sides of the dining table.

"Oh, I don't have chopsticks." He realized.

"It's fine, I still can't eat properly with those anyway." Dean smiled.

"I could teach you one day," Cas said as he scooped food into his plate, Dean standing next to him at the stove.

"I'd like that," Dean said softly, smiling at him. Cas cleared his throat, handed the spatula to Dean and rushed back to the table.

Other than praising the food, they ate mostly in silence. The food was really, really good, and Dean shifted awkwardly in his seat when Cas told him that.

When they were done eating Cas was about to get up to take the plates to the dishwasher, but Dean stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, let me do that," Dean said softly, squeezing his shoulder before picking up both of their plates.

"I'm so full," Dean sighed happily, looking up at Cas from where he was bending down to fill the machine.

"Me, too. Thank you again, it was delicious. I rarely have the energy to cook a big meal like that just for myself. This was a nice idea." Cas smiled.

"We should do this again sometime, try some other recipes," Dean said. He closed the dishwasher and turned to wash his hands.

"That sounds nice," Cas agreed. Dean grinned as he walked past him. Cas looked at his retreating back before following. Dean flopped down on the couch, sighing loudly.

"You mind if I stay for a moment? Need to let the food settle a bit before I can move again."

Cas rolled his eyes at him. "Right now it looks like you wouldn't be going anywhere even if I told you to leave," he pointed out.

"You are absolutely right." Dean grinned, pushing a decorative pillow under his head. Cas took a seat in the armchair, lifting his legs up on the seat, leaning his knees against the armrest.

"You want anything? Coffee? Water?" Cas asked. Dean had closed his eyes and just hummed a little to Cas' question, shaking his head.

"Okay, just don't fall asleep here," Cas chuckled.

"Awh, I was planning on taking a little nap. Your couch is so comfortable." Dean opened his eyes, grinning at him.

"And what am I supposed to do while you nap?" Cas cocked his head.

"I don't know. Read a book, watch TV, go play in your Jacuzzi?" Dean wriggled his eyebrows.

Cas scoffed but he could feel his cheeks heating up. "Yeah, right."

When he looked back at Dean he noticed that he was still staring at him with a playful look in his eyes. Slowly the grin on Dean's face slipped away, leaving him looking like he was thinking about something really hard. They stared at each other for a long moment until Castiel dropped his gaze.

"So, uh... Do you know when Charlie is starting at the daycare?" he asked.

"Oh, next Monday morning. She'll be working with me at first, she requested to get put on the group of the youngest kids, and luckily the other lady who quit had been working with me, so my boss was more than happy to just replace her with Charlie. No hassle of moving people from group to group, you know?" Dean explained.

"That's nice, she gets to learn the job from someone she already knows. Promise to be good to her!" Cas pointed a stern finger at him, making Dean chuckle.

"Of course, dude! She's in good hands." Dean assured him.

Silence fell over them again, but it wasn't pressing. Dean seemed to slip in and out of sleep, balancing on the edge of being awake and falling asleep. Castiel was okay with just watching him, admiring his beauty and how peaceful he looked. When Dean's head lolled to the side and a small snore rose from his throat, Cas wasn't sure if he should wake him up or not. Dean must've been really tired to fall asleep on Cas' couch like that, so Cas got the blanket he kept on the armchair and draped it over Dean. He wanted to brush his hand through Dean's hair, or to lean down to kiss his forehead, but he couldn't risk Dean waking up to witness him doing either of those things. Instead, he walked out of the living room and went to do laundry.

About thirty minutes later a sleepy Dean dragged himself past the kitchen where Cas was reading a newspaper. Cas heard the bathroom door opening and closing. A few minutes later Dean walked into the kitchen.

"Hey," his voice was even rougher than normal, his eyes barely open. He looked absolutely adorable.

"Hey. Sleep well?" Cas smiled.

"Yeah, your couch is like super comfortable. I think it's softer than my bed. What time is it?" Dean rubbed his face.

"Half past seven. Do you want coffee?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Hey, sorry for falling asleep on you like that," Dean said, sounding a little ashamed.

"It's okay, I didn't mind," Cas said. He started to prepare the coffee.

"Did you play in the Jacuzzi while I slept?" Dean smirked.

"What? No! No, I did some laundry." Cas laughed.

"That's boring," Dean said quietly. Cas turned on the coffee maker before taking a seat on the opposite side from Dean. He went back to reading his paper, ignoring Dean's comment. Dean tapped his fingers against the table for a moment, then stood up to pull two mugs from a cabinet. Cas let him do his thing. Dean stood next to the coffee maker, waiting.

"Staring at it won't make it work faster," Cas commented without looking up from his paper. Dean groaned.

"What are you reading?" He asked.

"A local pet shelter got a lot of donations after a video they made went viral, and in just a couple of days all the animals they had got adopted into new homes," Cas said, lifting the paper to show the picture of a puppy being held by one of the workers from the shelter.

"That's nice," Dean commented.

"Yes, at least there's something positive in the paper for once." Cas nodded.

Dean poured coffee into the mugs and brought them to the table. "Milk? Sugar?"

"Just one sugar, thank you. It's in the white ceramic cup next to the coffee maker." Cas folded the paper away, and soon Dean sat back down on his seat.

"How's your side, by the way? It's been almost three weeks since the last time you were under the laser." Cas suddenly remembered.

"It's good, haven't wrapped it up in about a week. You could take a look at it, though." Dean suggested. Cas nodded.

"Yeah, right after coffee." Cas lifted the mug to his lips and took a sip. Dean smiled, shaking his head.

"Of course, coffee always comes first for you." He laughed.

 

* * *

 

Cas sat on the edge of the couch, and Dean was standing right in front of him between Cas' knees. Cas swallowed hard when Dean slowly pulled his t-shirt off. Damn the man was beautiful, soft at just the right places. Dean lifted his left arm and Cas' hands were on his side immediately. Dean's skin felt warm and smooth under his palms. He had touched Dean's skin countless times at the clinic, but here, in the privacy of his own home, it felt somehow a lot more intimate.

Cas cleared his throat. "The scars are very light, and they don't seem to be deep. They'll most likely heal on their own quickly, I don't think you need to come back to the clinic for scar treatments."

Cas found it extremely hard to keep things professional, he found it even harder not to lean in and press his lips on Dean's hip, dragging lower until-- No! He shouldn't be thinking anything like that right now. His cheeks were on fire.

He swallowed hard before continuing, "I'll write you a prescription for a scar treating cream, it'll uh... if you apply it daily it'll, uh, speed up the healing process."

"Dude." Dean's voice was amused. Cas looked up, blinking twice.

"What?"

"Why are you blushing?" Dean chuckled.

Cas looked down, his hands still on Dean. He swallowed once, then dared to look back up at Dean.

"To be honest, this is kind of awkward. Doing this at home." Which, technically, wasn't a lie. Dean let out a small laugh before pulling his shirt back on. Cas dropped his hands into his own lap, scooting back on the couch. He wished he had another excuse to keep touching him.

"You're so weird sometimes." Dean shook his head, still chuckling.

"Thanks. Anyway, I'll write you the prescription tomorrow so you can go pick it up as soon as possible. You should start using the cream right away, and keep using it twice a day for at least a month." Castiel tried to slip into his work mode to get rid of the rest of the awkwardness.

"Thank you, Doctor Novak. Does my insurance cover house calls?" Dean smirked.

"No, you now owe me three thousand dollars," Cas answered without even blinking. Dean cracked up so hard his back arched, his hand on his stomach as he laughed. Cas loved that laugh way too much.

"Of course, Doc. I have to go now, but I'll definitely pay you the next time we see each other," Dean said as he stepped back and started to head towards the hallway. Cas turned around on the couch to see him.

"Wait, are you actually leaving?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm back on morning shift so I got to go to sleep early. Hopefully that little nap I had won't fuck up my sleep tonight." Dean grinned, walking backwards. Cas got up from the couch, following him into the hallway.

"I hope it won't. Thanks for the dinner, how much do I owe you?" Cas asked.

"Huh?" Dean looked confused.

"For the groceries," Cas said like it was obvious.

"Oh! Dude, nothing. That whole meal was under ten dollars." Dean waved him off.

"I could pay half of it." Cas insisted. Dean sighed and put his hand on Cas' arm.

"Hey, my treat, no need to pay back." He winked.

"Oh, okay then," Cas said quietly. Dean's hand slipped down his arm all the way until their fingers brushed together before Dean pulled his hand away.

"I'll see you later, okay? Bye, Cas!" Dean smiled as he opened the door and stepped outside.

"Bye, Dean. Good night!"

Cas locked the door when Dean was gone, then walked back to the living room and laid down on the couch. The pillow Dean had used still smelled like him, and Cas inhaled the scent. If he closed his eyes, he could imagine Dean was still there. The blanket was bundled up behind him, pressing against his back. He wished he could one day cuddle up with Dean, be held by him, kiss him softly, slowly as they'd lay there tangled in each other.

Cas sat up quickly. What the hell was he doing sniffing a fucking pillow? He wasn't that pathetic, he wouldn't be! Dean was just a friend, and they'd never be more than that. Dean would never find out about Cas' tattoo, they would just... stay friends until the end of time. That's all Cas was ever gonna get, and he was okay with it.

Or so he kept telling himself.

 

* * *

 

"Come on in, Henrietta. How have you been?" Castiel smiled sweetly.

"Just fine, just fine. My back has been acting up but there's nothing you can do about it." She waved her hand dismissively as she took a seat.

"I could give you a referral to another doctor who could check it out?" Cas suggested.

"Oh, that would be nice. Getting to the doctor these days can be such an effort. Thank you." She smiled.

"Anything for my favorite patient." Cas smiled back, turning towards his computer.

"Have you told your soulmate your little secret yet?" Henrietta asked out of nowhere. Cas almost choked on nothing, taken by surprise.

"Uh, what? You remember that?" He blinked at her.

"Son, I might be old and wrinkly but my memory is still sharp. Have you told him?"

"No, no I haven't," Castiel admitted quietly.

"For the love of God, why not?" Henrietta raised her voice in frustration.

"You probably remember the reasons I had for it last time, and they haven't changed."

"Is he still a patient of yours?"

"No. I successfully removed the last of his tattoo a bit over a month ago." Castiel told her.

"So you haven't seen him since? Oh, you..." Henrietta sighed.

"Well, actually..." Cas shifted in his seat, "we spend time together almost daily. He has become one of the best friends I've ever had."

"You must be joking! Are you serious? Castiel, you have to tell him! Stop holding back and just tell the poor guy. I bet he's head over heels for you by now." She gestured wildly with her arms as she spoke.

"I'm pretty sure he sees me just as a friend." Cas sighed.

"Tell him!"

"He would run. He would run so fast and he'd never come back. If I told him now, I'd lose him for good. I prefer having him as a friend, I'm okay with that." Castiel said. Henrietta leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow at him.

"I can tell just by looking at you that you're lying to the both of us. Just. Tell. Him."

"Imagine how he'd feel if I told him now. We've been friends for months, he has asked me about my soulmate but my only answer was 'I don't wanna talk about it'. Imagine if I'd tell him now. He'd never trust me again." Cas ranted.

"Stupid and stubborn. He's your soulmate, he'd come around! And if he's not a total idiot he'd understand why you kept it a secret. Why are you torturing yourself, Castiel?" Henrietta asked with sadness in her voice. Cas looked down to his lap, shaking his head.

"I'm not torturing anyone."

"You are, you are torturing yourself. Why?"

"I'm not torturing myself, I'm _protecting_ myself. We have wasted enough time on this damn subject again. Let me look at your shoulder." Cas pushed up from his chair, not leaving room for any more arguments. Henrietta glared at him but took off her blouse anyway so that Castiel could examine her skin.

 

* * *

 

Cas was surprised to see Dean's name on his phone when it started ringing. Dean was more of a text kinda guy, he had barely ever called him.

"Hello?"

"Cas, hey! I'm driving so I couldn't text, but my sister just called me, they're going to the beach next Saturday with friends. Wanna come with me?" Dean spoke loudly, sounding really excited.

"Uh..."

"It'll be fun! And I really want you to meet my sister."

Cas thought about it for a moment. "Okay, I guess it could be nice."

"Awesome! I'll come pick you up after 1 pm. I'll call Jo back to let her know I'm dragging you with me. Hey, are you having a movie night on Friday?" Dean asked.

"Uh, no. Charlie will be at work that night." Castiel told him.

"At the daycare? Night shifts there are pretty easy since the kids will be sleeping. Kinda sucks though that she has to just be there, but hey, some parents work night shifts so nannies have to work night shifts, that's just how it is," Dean spoke.

"I don't think she minds a lot since Gilda is at work too, then. She isn't missing out on anything." Cas shrugged.

"And you're not having a movie night with Anna?" Dean asked.

"No, the whole idea of movie nights is to keep company to Charlie while her wife is at work," Cas explained.

"Right. Okay, anyway, I'll see you on Saturday if not earlier. Bye, Cas!" Dean hollered. His phone was probably on his lap on speaker.

"Bye, Dean."

He'd be meeting Dean's family. Or, one member of Dean's family, at least. The way Dean had said he really wanted Cas to meet his sister made him feel nervous. Sure, Dean had met Anna but it wasn't a planned meeting like this, this was different. Dean was taking him to the beach to introduce him to his sister.

He hoped he'd get along with Jo better that Dean got along with Anna.

 

* * *

 

 

Cas had packed a small beach bag ready the previous night and laid an outfit in the chair on the corner of his bedroom, so on Saturday morning after showering and eating a late breakfast, he was ready to go in seconds. Just as he pulled his grey t-shirt over his head he heard a car horn going off in his driveway. He picked up his beach bag, put his aviators on and stepped out of the door. Dean was waving at him from the open window of his car, honking at him for one last time.

"Stop annoying my neighbors!" Cas yelled as he went around the car.

"I was trying to annoy you." Dean grinned once Cas was inside. Cas rolled his eyes before tossing the bag on the back seat.

"Did you pack all your belongings with you?" Dean raised his eyebrows.

"Nah, just some sunscreen, towels, a good book and a couple of water bottles. The essentials." Cas shrugged.

"Okay then, let's hit the road!" Dean hollered as he pulled out from the driveway.

It was a hot day, the sun was up and there wasn't a single cloud in the sky. There was barely any wind at all to cool them down. The beach was about a twenty-minute drive away from Cas' house, but Cas had rarely been there.

"What's your sister like?" Cas asked, turning to look at Dean who kept his eyes on the road and shrugged to the question.

"Confident, clever, tiny but would beat your ass in a blink," Dean grinned.

"Then I better not piss her off," Cas chuckled.

"Yeah, I'd advise against it. She's cool, super laid back, doesn't take things too seriously. She's the kinda person who everyone likes, easy to be around of." Dean shrugged again.

"Okay, that sounds nice."

"She'll love you, don't worry," Dean turned to look at him, smiling widely.

It didn't take much longer until Dean pulled up in the beach parking lot and killed the engine. Cas reached for the bag on the back seat, pulling it to his lap. He took a deep breath before stepping out of the car.

"Let's go find them," Dean patted Cas on the shoulder as they started to walk towards the shore.

"Well, you're gonna have to do all the searching because I have no idea what any of them look like," Cas pointed out.

"True," Dean chuckled. "Ah, there she is. Hey, idiot!" Dean hollered, lifting his arm high up. A petite blonde girl looked up, smiled and flipped Dean off.

"Knows her name," Dean laughed.

"Hey, fucker, glad you could come," Jo said when they stopped in front of her.

"I mean, had nothing better to do anyway so..." Dean said, teasing his sister who rolled her eyes at him. She then turned her gaze to Cas.

"You must be Castiel. Hi, I'm Jo, Dean's favorite sibling," she offered a hand and Cas took it, shaking it firmly.

"Debatable...." Dean muttered next to them but both Cas and Jo ignored him.

"Hello, nice to meet you. Dean has told me a lot about you," Castiel smiled.

"Probably not as much as he has told me about you. Seriously, he won't shut up about you," Jo announced as they let their hands drop. Cas glanced at Dean who was quickly going red and was definitely giving Jo a look that Cas read as _'shut up'_. Jo shrugged and then turned towards the beach where a group of people were playing volleyball.

"Hey, guys, come over here!" She yelled at them. Two men started to make their way to them immediately.

"This is my soulmate, Kevin. This is Dean's friend Castiel," Jo introduced them as soon as they were by her side. Cas shook Kevin's hand, and then Jo was gesturing to the other guy who had a freaking mullet.

"And this weirdo is my friend Ash." Cas shook his hand too. "Ruby! Get your ass over here!"

A dark haired woman jogged to them, smiling widely. Her hair seemed to be a little damp, and Cas assumed she had just recently been swimming. She was wearing a black bikini.

"Hey," she breathed out once she reached the group. "Who's this?" She gestured towards Castiel, looking at him curiously but still smiling.

"Hello, I'm Castiel, Dean's friend," Cas said. Instead of shaking his hand, Ruby just waved at him. That's when Castiel noticed the tattoo on her shoulder and his eyes widened.

"Uh, is that your soulmate tattoo?" Cas asked carefully, pointing at her shoulder. Ruby looked down at it like she'd have to check what he meant. Her head still tilted to the side she looked up at Cas from the corner of her eye.

"Umm... Yes, it is. Why, do you have the same one?" She asked suspiciously, quickly looking Cas up and down.

"Oh, no, not me. But my sister does." Castiel said. A loud gasp was heard from five mouths at the exact same time, the loudest one coming from Ruby.

"What? Are you sure? Look at it, look at my tattoo!" Ruby took a step closer to him and turned her side towards Cas, almost pushing her shoulder to his face.

"Yes, yes I'm sure. It's the exact same, I've seen it on her shoulder a million times." Cas nodded, a wide smile on his lips. He had just found Anna's soulmate.

"Where is she? Oh my god I'm gonna cry," Ruby covered her mouth with her hands as her eyes filled with tears. Everyone around them was just watching them in silence, their mouths still hanging open.

"She's probably at home, she doesn't live too far. Hey, what if I take a picture of your tattoo and send it to her?" Cas suggested, already pulling his phone out of his pocket.

"Yes! Yes yes yes. Oh my god, my heart is about to explode, oh my god." Ruby wiped her eyes.

"Turn a little to your right. Do you want your face to be in the picture, too?" Cas asked, holding his phone up. Ruby quickly ran her hands through her hair, patted her face and straightened her posture.

Cas took the photo, showed it to Ruby for her approval before typing a quick message to go with it.

'Look who I just met.'

Just seconds after hitting send Cas' phone started ringing.

"Hello, An-"

"Where are you?" Anna screamed.

"At the beach."

"Oh my god is it really her? I swear to god if this is some fucking joke I'm gonna rip your fucking arms off and beat you with them!" Anna sounded just as emotional and a little freaked out as Ruby did.

"Anna, it's not a joke. She's here. It's the same tattoo." Castiel said calmly.

"Fuck, holy shit, oh my god! Make sure she doesn't leave, I'm coming. Cas, keep her there!" Anna yelled. Cas could hear her moving, she was probably already running to her car.

"I don't think she's going anywhere. Don't drive like a lunatic, I bet she wants you here alive." Castiel looked up at Ruby who was nodding quickly, her hand curled over her mouth. Without another word Anna hang up the phone.

"She's gonna be here in about ten minutes," Cas told Ruby as he put his phone away.

"Oh my god, I'm gonna meet my soulmate." Ruby looked like she was about to panic. Jo stepped next to her and hugged her tightly. Ruby was shaking in her hold but she put her arms around Jo. After a minute or so Ruby let go of her and looked back up at Cas.

"For a second there I thought you were gonna tell me we were soulmates and I was already thinking like 'what the fuck universe, I'm gay as fuck' ", she laughed. Cas cracked up, too, shaking his head.

"The look on your face was priceless."

"Tell me about your sister, what's she like? Tell me everything about her!" Ruby looked up at Cas, her eyes wide, a hopeful smile on her lips. Cas chuckled and shook his head.

"I think it'd be better if you'd learn everything about her from her, not me," he pointed out.

"You're right. I'm so nervous!" Ruby turned towards Jo again.

While the girls were gushing together, Cas turned to look at Dean. Dean was watching Ruby, a small smile on his lips that looked a little sad the longer Cas looked at him. Cas felt sorry for him, but he was also annoyed. Dean had chosen to get rid of his tattoo, Dean had said he didn't want a soulmate, so he had no right to feel sorry for himself when he witnessed someone else finding theirs.

A moment later a red small car pulled up in the parking lot. Cas turned to look at it, then gave a pointed look to Ruby.

"That's her."

"Oh my god," Ruby gasped loudly. She spun around, grabbed Jo's shoulders, her eyes wide in panic. "How do I look? Shit, my hair is a mess and I'm not even wearing makeup! I'm not ready for this!"

"Honey, you look fucking amazing, your hair is super sexy when it's a little wet like that. You look pretty. Now go get your girl!" Jo pushed her, grinning widely.

Ruby took a deep breath, staring at Anna who was already walking towards them. Ruby glanced at Cas, and he nodded at her with a smile on his lips, and then she was off. She started slowly but soon both women were almost running to each other. Their whole group was watching them quietly.

Ruby and Anna stopped about an arm's length from each other, so far from the rest of their group that they couldn't hear what they were saying. The group couldn't see Ruby's face, but they could tell they both had their hands over their mouths. Anna rolled the short sleeve of her t-shirt up, revealing her tattoo to her soulmate. Ruby covered her entire face with her hands, her shoulders shaking. Anna took a quick step closer and pulled her into her arms, wrapping her into a tight hug. Ruby's arms were around Anna's waist in a blink and then they just stood there, hugging and crying against each other's shoulder.

Castiel watched them, he watched how Anna pulled back from the hug just enough to take Ruby's face in her hands to take a better look at her. He watched how they pressed their foreheads together as they tried to calm down. It was just the kind of perfect first meeting that Cas had imagined he'd have one day. Even though he was extremely happy for his sister, the feeling of 'that's what I wanted' filled him, no matter how hard he tried to push it down. Tears filled his eyes and before he even realized it, he was crying.

"Hey, you okay?" Dean asked quietly.

"I'm so happy for her," Cas said weakly as even more tears spilled to his cheeks.

To his surprise Dean wrapped his arms around him and pulled him to his side, hugging him against his body. Cas' hands trembled a little when he reached them around Dean's waist. Dean had taken his shirt off at some point, so Cas' hands were splayed against his skin. A cold bang hit his chest from the inside when his fingers brushed against the still risen scars on Dean's side. Even when being comforted by his soulmate, the world wouldn't let him forget that he wasn't wanted.

Cas curled his hands into fists so that he wouldn't have to feel Dean's scars, but even then he couldn't stay pressed against him for much longer. Cas let go of him and straightened up, sniffling.

"I'm fine." He insisted. Dean left his hand on Cas' shoulder, squeezing gently.

"I thought she had already found her soulmate," Dean said quietly. They were both watching the two women who were still standing on the same spot as before, gently holding hands and touching each other's face. Cas shook his head.

"No, she obviously hadn't. She just never talked about it. Unlike me, she just waited calmly, she never really stressed about it. She always said that it'd happen when it was meant to happen," Cas told him, shrugging a little. Dean was quiet for a long moment.

"I'm happy they finally found each other. Ruby can be a total bitch at times but she's cool," Dean muttered.

"I'm happy, too," Cas said. He turned to look at Dean who was already staring at him, a small smile on his lips. Cas gave him a weak smile before turning his gaze away. His eyes found Jo, who obviously had been crying. She was still watching Anna and Ruby with the biggest smile on her lips. Kevin's arm was wrapped around her shoulders, his lips pressed against her temple.

Anna and Ruby finally let go of each other and started to walk towards the rest of the group. They kept looking at each other, and Cas couldn't help but notice how Anna looked happier than he had ever seen her before. When his sister finally looked away from Ruby, she rushed to Castiel and pulled him into a hug.

"She's perfect," Anna sobbed against Cas' shoulder.

"I'm so happy for you. I got so excited when I noticed her tattoo," Castiel whispered to her.

"Thank you for texting me."

"Of course," Castiel chuckled. Anna pulled away, wiped her eyes and looked to her left where Ruby and Jo were sobbing together. Her eyes slowly wandered down Ruby's body and then back up. Cas chuckled, shoving her shoulder a little.

"You're drooling," Cas chuckled. Anna turned to look at him.

"Can you blame me?" She cocked an eyebrow.

"No, I can't." He admitted. Ruby was very attractive.

Ruby introduced Anna to the whole group, and she was smiling brightly to all of them until her eyes met Dean's.

"Dean," she nodded, her tone cold.

"Hi, Anna. Congratulations." Dean tried, smiling awkwardly.

"Thanks," Anna said before quickly turning away. Dean gave Cas a look, and once again Cas couldn't do much more than shrug, pretend like he didn't know what was going on.

After the quick introductions, Ruby and Anna moved to sit together a little further away from the rest of the group. They held hands, played with each other's fingers, touched the other's face, and eventually leaned in for a gentle kiss.

"Aren't they the cutest? I'm so happy for them!" Jo squealed, turning to look at Dean and Castiel.

"They are. I'm so happy for my sister, she's been waiting for so long. Ruby seems like an amazing girl," Castiel nodded with a smile on his lips.

"I don't think they're gonna join us anytime soon. Anyone wanna play another round?" Kevin asked, nodding towards the volleyball field.

"I'm in! Cas?" Dean asked.

"Sure, why not," Cas shrugged, leaving his beach bag next to Jo's. He watched Dean's back as he ran towards the net. It was a hot day and Dean was already sweating a little, his skin glistening in the sun. Cas tore his eyes away, refusing to acknowledge how hot his soulmate was.

Cas hadn't played volleyball in years, so he was scared that his skills would be a little rusty. He and Dean were put into different teams because everyone agreed that having two really tall guys in the same team would be unfair to the other team. Cas had no arguments against it.

"I'm gonna humiliate you," Dean grinned from the other side of the net as they were getting ready for the next round.

"Oh, yeah? I'm gonna wipe that smug grin right off your face, Winchester." Cas said, grinning right back at him. Dean chuckled.

"You talk big, but it's all bark no bite."

"I hope you like losing, Losechester."

Dean's team got a great start but it wasn't long until Cas' team scored their first point. Cas smirked at Dean as he jogged back to his starting position.

"Amateur's luck." Dean brushed it off.

Cas' amateur luck scored them five more points, and at the end of the game, Cas' team won 11-6.

"What did you say about humiliating me?" Cas teased as they walked towards their spot on the beach.

"Oh shut up, you just got lucky." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Keep telling yourself that." Cas grinned.

He pulled two bottles from his bag, tossing one of them to Dean. As he drank his water he turned to look at where Ruby and Anna were still sitting together, completely lost in each other. They had probably forgotten all about the world surrounding them by now. They were giggling, touching each other gently and pressing quick pecks on each other's lips.

"Dude, aren't you boiling? Take your shirt off, you're gonna die of a heat stroke," Dean said, slapping Cas' arm gently to get his attention.

"I'm fine."

"Cas, you're sweating."

"I'm a dermatologist, I know what the sun does to skin. I'm fine and I'm keeping my shirt on because nothing protects the skin from the UV rays better than clothes. Have you put sunscreen on?" Cas raised a judging eyebrow, which made Dean cross his arms over his chest.

"I don't need sunscreen."

"Yes, you do. Here," Cas picked a bottle from his bag, tossing it to Dean. Dean rolled his eyes but after earning another pointed look from Cas, he started to rub it into his skin.

Cas pulled a towel from his bag, spread it on the sand and took a seat. He found his book in the bag, crossed his legs and relaxed with a content sigh. Dean was still standing in front of him, rubbing the sunscreen to his hips. Cas kept his eyes down.

"I can't reach my back, can you help me out?" Dean suddenly asked.

Cas' eyes widened behind his sunglasses, his mouth slightly open. He looked up at Dean who's skin was glistening in the sun. He was grinning down at Cas, holding out the bottle of sunscreen. Cas opened and closed his mouth a couple of times but nothing came out.

"I can do it!" Anna's voice came from right behind Cas. He hadn't even noticed his sister and Ruby walking up to them, and before either man could say anything, Anna had already taken the bottle from Dean and was squirting a good amount of it onto her palm. Dean blinked at her in surprise, then glanced at Castiel.

"Oh, uh... Okay." Dean turned around slowly, still eyeing Castiel.

Anna rubbed the cream in quick and rough, then slapped Dean's shoulder so hard the sound made Cas wince.

"You're all set," she said in a tone that told Dean to get lost.

"Yeah, thanks. I'll... Go see what Ash is up to," Dean mumbled awkwardly before jogging away.

Anna sat down next to her brother, and Cas quickly checked if Ruby was close enough to hear them. She was a little further away collecting her belongings into a small bag.

"Thank you," Castiel whispered to his sister.

"It's okay." Anna shrugged. She turned to look at him. "Hey. You're doing great. I'm still not a huge fan of you two spending time together, but you're doing great," she said softly.

Castiel sighed, looking up at where Dean was laughing about something with Ash.

"Ready to go?" Ruby asked, the bag on her shoulder, smiling down to Anna who immediately jumped up.

"Yeah! Hey, uh, we're gonna go. Can you tell the rest of the group that I stole Ruby away?" Anna asked a bit awkwardly, her arm wrapped around Ruby's waist. Cas brushed them off.

"Of course. You two have fun and remember to stay hydrated." He smirked.

"Oh, screw you," Anna blushed.

"Don't worry, your sister is in good hands," Ruby winked at him, making Anna blush even harder.

Castiel watched as they walked to Anna's car, holding each other, their sides pressed together. They looked cute, they looked like lovers even though they had just met a bit over an hour ago. Cas had read that after seeing each other's tattoos, after getting that confirmation that the two people were soulmates, the soulmate bond formed a lot faster than it would without that. Cas turned to look at Dean, who was now talking with some girl Cas had never seen before. She had long, light brown hair and she looked gorgeous in her bikini. Dean said something that made her laugh and she shoved at Dean's shoulder playfully.

They were flirting, Cas realized. A bang of jealousy made him feel sick to his stomach. He tried to remind himself that he had no reason to be jealous, even though they were soulmates, they'd never actually be together. That thought didn't actually help. Cas felt like he should be watching his soulmate like a hawk to make sure no one would steal him from him, he tore his eyes away. Dean was single and free to flirt and do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted.

Cas started to read his book, letting the story suck him in and block the rest of the world out.

He had no idea how much time had passed when he happened to look up as he was turning the page. His head was still angled down but his eyes found Dean. He was talking with Jo, and they seemed to be arguing about something. Cas was just about to continue reading when he noticed Jo gesturing towards him as she was talking to Dean. Dean's cheeks were a little red when he glanced at Castiel, and he looked a little uncomfortable. He spread his arms a little, saying something to Jo who tossed her head back in frustration. Jo gestured towards Castiel wildly again before flopping her arms down and marching away. Dean stared at the sand under his feet for a couple of seconds before looking at Castiel again.

Cas lowered his eyes back to the book quickly, scared that Dean would catch him staring.

A few minutes passed before Dean walked up to him, smiling in a way that looked almost shy.

"Hey, what are you doing here all alone?" He asked as he sat down next to Cas.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be antisocial, but this is a really good book. Are you having fun?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, it's nice to hang out with the gang again. It'd be even nicer if you'd join us instead of moping here alone," Dean grinned, shoving his shoulder against Cas' side.

"I'm not moping," Cas rolled his eyes. Dean gave him a 'yeah, right' look.

"Hey, uh... Who was that girl you were talking to earlier?" Cas asked a little awkwardly. Dean looked at him confused like he didn't know what Cas was talking about until his expression changed.

"Oh, right, you mean Carol? She's an old friend of mine from school. She's married to another friend of ours, they have three kids who are all absolutely crazy. She was having the time of her life on the beach with her friends while her husband is home with the kids," Dean laughed, shaking his head.

Oh, so they probably hadn't been flirting. Castiel felt a small smile tugging at his lips at that thought.

"That sounds... wild." He shrugged, not sure what else to say.

"Yeah. Hey, come swimming with me. Us. With us." Dean suggested, a happy grin on his lips.

"Oh, no, I better not," Cas declined immediately.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Dean said, pushing himself up and holding a hand out for Cas, offering to help him up.

Cas was hot, he was sweating and a dip in the ocean sounded amazing, but swimming meant he'd have to take his shirt off, and that wasn't an option.

"Dean, no. I don't want to, I don't..." Cas looked down.

"Why not? Wait... You can swim, right?" Dean asked quietly. Cas almost rolled his eyes until he realized what a great excuse Dean had just handed him on a silver plate. He faked embarrassment.

"Never learned how to..." He said quietly.

"I could teach you?" Dean suggested. Cas shook his head quickly.

"No thank you, I'm fine. How about this, I'm not coming into the water but I'll come hang out with the rest of the group?" Cas smiled, shoving a bookmark between the pages before closing the book. Dean smiled at him.

"Okay, I guess that's gonna have to be good enough," he said. Cas followed him to where Jo and Kevin were sitting on the sand, listening to music.

"Hey guys, look who I managed to drag out here!" Dean hollered once they reached the group.

"Cas! Come sit with us. We were just about to start playing," Jo smiled, holding up a deck of cards.

"Alright, what are we playing?" Cas asked with a smile on his lips as he sat down on the big blanket they had spread on the sand.

"Strip poker," Jo said with a straight face. Cas' eyes widened and his cheeks went pale. After a few seconds, Jo cracked up.

"I'm just messing with you. We haven't decided yet." She laughed loudly.

"I'm gonna go take a quick swim, I'll join you on the second round of whatever you decide to play," Dean said, pointing his thumb to the ocean.

"Okay," Cas, Jo and Kevin nodded. Ash appeared from somewhere behind Cas and took a seat in their small circle just as Dean stepped into the water.

"So, go fish?" Jo suggested. Everyone agreed so Jo dealt the cards, and soon the game was in full swing. Cas learned that Jo's sense of humor was a bit mean, but she said it all with love. Kevin was really smart and polite, a little quiet at times but not exactly shy. Ash... Well, Cas hadn't figured Ash out yet, he seemed to have a unique view of the world, not that it was a bad thing.

Cas looked up from his cards just as Dean started to walk out of the ocean. He felt like the whole world had slowed down. Dean looked fucking amazing. He ran his hand through his wet hair, droplets of water falling from his skin all around him, the waves crashing against his legs. Cas knew he was staring, he was probably drooling, too, but he couldn't look away.

His soulmate was sex on legs and Cas was completely fucked.

"Oh, great, Dean is putting on a show," he heard Jo's voice saying somewhere in the background. Or maybe he just imagined it, maybe nothing except the ocean and Dean existed.

"It seems to be working," Jo stage whispered but even that wasn't enough to pull Cas' attention away from his soulmate.

"Castiel? It's your turn." Kevin slapped his arm, finally pulling Cas back to earth. He felt his cheeks burn as he cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Uh, right, um... Do you, uh. Do you have--" Cas had no idea what he was supposed to ask for right then, all he knew was that his ridiculously hot soulmate would be standing next to him any second now, dripping wet and shining like a god in the sunlight. Cas swallowed hard.

"Who's winning?" Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

"Definitely not Castiel..." Jo said quietly, not looking up from her cards. Cas blushed even deeper shade of red, wishing he could dig a hole to hide in.

"Dude, don't tell me you're losing to these dorks?" Dean gasped, looking down at Cas. He was standing right next to him so when Cas looked up he was met with miles of strong legs, swimming shorts, then a soft tummy until his eyes finally reached Dean's gorgeous face.

"I'm afraid so," he shrugged, quickly looking away.

"You wanna play, too?" Ash asked, scooting over to make room for Dean.

"Actually, I'm starving," Dean rubbed his stomach. "Cas, do you have anything to eat in that huge bag you brought?"

"Uh, sorry." Cas shrugged.

"Damn it. Well, you wanna go grab a bite with me?" Dean asked, looking straight at Castiel.

"Yeah, okay. I could eat." Cas nodded.

"Great! Let's gather our stuff and go before I die." Dean clapped his hands together. Cas put his cards down, glancing at Jo shyly before standing up.

"So you're just ditching us?" Jo grinned.

"Yes," Dean answered.

"It was nice to meet you all, I hope we can hang out again some other time," Castiel said politely.

"It was nice to meet you too, Castiel. I'm happy I finally have a face for the 'Cas' Dean keeps talking about." Jo smiled. Next to him, Dean made a sound, and when Cas turned to look at him Dean was blushing.

"Okay Cas, let's go." Dean put his hand on Cas' shoulder, guiding him away from the rest of the group.

"Bye Dean, Bye Cas!" Ash yelled after them. Cas turned a little to wave a goodbye to them.

They quickly packed all of Cas' things back into the bag before heading to the car.

"Your sister seems nice," Cas said as they hopped into the car.

"Uh, yeah. She's fine, I guess. She can be a little shit at times when she wants to," Dean groaned.

"That's her job as a little sister," Cas joked. Dean just chuckled, shaking his head as he started the car.

"I'm sorry for not being more social, I didn't mean to. I just really wanted to have a moment to read but I guess I lost track of time, I wasn't going to spend most of the trip with my nose buried in a book." Castiel apologized.

"It's okay, I'm just glad you came. Hey, what do you say about burgers?" Dean turned to look at him, grinning widely.

"I say hell yeah," Cas smiled, making Dean laugh.

"Burgers it is, then."

They drove in silence for a moment, Cas was content just watching the beach houses as they drove past them. The silence was broken when Dean cleared his throat, drawing Cas' attention to him.

"Hey, uh, Cas? I noticed you got pretty emotional when Anna and Ruby met. I mean, I know you were happy for your sister, but it kinda seemed like there was something more to it," Dean said, his tone making it sound like a question.

Cas turned to look right in front of him, staring out at the road. When he didn't say anything, Dean continued.

"Did it have something to do with your soulmate?" He asked carefully. Cas sighed loudly and dropped his head back.

"Dean, for the millionth time, I don't wanna talk about it."

"Cas, can't you just tell me?" Dean was pleading.

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because it hurts!" Cas snapped. "It's the most painful thing that has ever happened to me and I'm never going to get over it, I never want to talk about it, hell, I never even want to think about it ever again!" Cas yelled. Dean straightened up in his seat.

"Yeah, I've gathered that much, but I just wanna know-" Cas interrupted him.

"Why? Why do you want to know, Dean?"

Dean glanced at him. A light blush rose up to his cheeks.

"I just... like, are they ever coming back? Is there a chance you could be with them?" Dean asked quietly. Cas laughed darkly, shaking his head.

"No, Dean, there's not even the slightest chance I'd ever get to be with them."

"Are you sure?" Dean asked, finally daring to look at him. Cas sighed, hoping Dean wouldn't hear the sadness in it.

"Yes, they made it very clear. It's never gonna happen," Cas answered, stomping down the emotions that were pushing up into the surface.

"Dude, what the fuck happened?" Dean asked quietly, sounding shocked.

"You really wanna know?" Cas felt all his walls crumbling down. Dean just stared at him with wide eyes, unable to say anything.

"Okay, you see, I'm a hopeless romantic, always have been. I spent all my life imagining all the perfect, romantic ways how I would finally meet my soulmate, how everything would be perfect for the rest of my life after I had found them. I spent nights awake imagining what the person looks like, wondering if they were laying awake too, thinking the same," Cas spoke quickly.

"Then, he showed up! After years and years of waiting, dreaming, hoping, there he was, right in front of me. And you know what he did?" Cas leveled Dean with a look that pinned him down. Dean didn't even dare to say anything, just shook his head.

"He ripped my heart right out of my chest and _destroyed it_ like it was nothing. He took everything I had ever dreamed about and set it all on fire until there was nothing left. So no, I don't want to think about it, no I'm never gonna be with them and no, we're never talking about this ever again." Cas finished, fighting to keep his tears at bay.

Dean sat there, not saying a word. Cas stared at his own knees, concentrating on his breathing. Had he said too much? Would Dean be able to realize Cas had been talking about him?

"Holy shit, Cas..." Dean finally breathed out. "Dude, I'm so sorry. That's... fucking horrible. Give me his name and I can go kill him."

Cas laughed again, the same dark laugh he had let out earlier. "You're not the first one to offer to do that."

Dean let out an awkward laugh, and the silence that fell into the car right after was pressing. Cas shifted in his seat, glancing out of the window. They were quite close to his neighborhood.

"Dean, could you take me home? I'm not that hungry anymore," Cas asked quietly.

"Cas..." Dean looked at him with pleading eyes.

"I don't think I can eat right now. Just... take me home, okay?" Cas sighed.

"Okay."


	8. He loves you (probably)

Cas didn't hear from Dean in a couple of days. At first, Cas was okay with it because after spilling the truth, or at least some of it to Dean, he needed some space, but he soon started to miss him. Dean probably thought Cas was mad at him for digging on the soulmate subject, so Cas texted him casually, acting like nothing had happened. When Dean texted back just moments later, Cas released a relieved breath. They were okay.

 

* * *

 

"Come in." Castiel smiled as he held the door open.

"Well thank you, sir." Charlie smiled.

"Coffee?" Castiel offered.

"Yes, mama needs a cup to stay awake." Charlie sighed as they walked into the kitchen.

"How long until Gilda gets off from work?"

"A bit over an hour. I've been up since 5 am and I'm dying. Why did her car have to break right now when I'm still getting used to the early morning shifts?" She groaned, flopping her head against the tabletop.

"How's it going, the new job?" Castiel asked as he loaded the coffee maker. Charlie sighed as she straightened up.

"It's good. Dean is a good teacher, I can ask him anything and he doesn't get frustrated with me even if I ask the same question every day." She smiled.

"I guess he's used to that in his job. Probably not that much from his coworkers but still," Cas chuckled.

"Probably. I really like the job, the kids are awesome, I'm just not used to the early mornings yet."

"It'll get easier with time," Castiel consoled her.

"I hope so. So, what's going on in your life?" Charlie asked, smiling a little.

"Uh, the same as always. Work and even more work." Cas shrugged.

"And hanging out with your soulmate," Charlie raised a suggesting eyebrow, making Cas roll his eyes.

"Actually, I've been wanting to talk to you about something..." Cas started, crossing his arms over the table. "I think Dean has a crush on me."

"Well, duh," Charlie commented.

"No, but like... Lately, I've noticed that he keeps checking me out, and he stands a lot closer than necessary whenever we're in the same space together. He does this thing where he just... stares at my lips. Like, a lot."

"Cas, he's your soulmate. Of course he has a crush on you. He's probably head over heels in love with you by now, you've known him for... How long?" Charlie furrowed her brow.

"Over 4 months."

"Yeah, he's definitely in love with you by now." Charlie nodded.

"I met his sister last week. I think she knows."

"Knows you're soulmates?" Charlie's eyes widened.

"No! Knows about Dean's feelings. We were at a beach, I was reading a book when I looked up. They were arguing about something, I couldn't hear what they were saying but they were clearly arguing. And both of them kept gesturing towards me, Dean was really flushed and he seemed a little uncomfortable." Castiel explained.

"Oh. What if she was trying to tell him to make a move?" Charlie asked.

"Maybe, that's what I thought too." Cas shrugged.

"Well? Did he?"

"Uh, no. Later that same day he did ask me about my soulmate again, and he asked if there was a possibility that my soulmate would come back, and I was thinking..." Cas paused, looking down.

"You were thinking that because the one dude he loved ran, he wanted to know if there was a risk that you'd run, too?" Charlie filled in for him. Cas looked up at her from under his lashes.

"Exactly."

"Dude, he's so fucking in love with you. You're torturing both of you by keeping your tattoo a secret. Just tell him!"

"But what if he wants me because he thinks I'm just... someone? He has told me a million times he doesn't want a soulmate so what if..." Cas swallowed. "What if I tell him and he doesn't want me anymore _because_ I'm his soulmate? What if he hates the whole idea of having a soulmate so much that he'd walk right out of my life immediately after finding out the truth?"

"Then he'd be a complete idiot," Charlie sighed, annoyed.

"I know for a fact that he is indeed a complete idiot," Cas chuckled. Charlie looked at him for a moment before she let out a laugh too.

"You're right. I mean, the dude's quickly becoming one of my best friends but man, if he isn't a complete fucking idiot at times," Charlie laughed.

Charlie stayed until she had to go pick up her wife from work. Cas thought about his situation with Dean once again, like he had done most days for months now, and he came to the same conclusion as he had every time: he could never tell Dean the truth.

 

* * *

 

_"Beers and movie at my place this Saturday, what do you say?"_ Dean's message said.

Castiel was at work on his lunch break. It was Thursday and they had no movie night planned for that Friday, so he figured it'd be nice. He hadn't seen Dean all week, and if he was being honest with himself, he missed him.

_"I'm in."_

_"Good. Come over around 9 pm?"_

_"Okay, see you then. I'll bring the beer."_

 

* * *

 

On Saturday night, a little past nine, Cas was sitting on Dean's couch with a beer in his hand. Dean was right there next to him, talking about how some kid had thrown her milk right on Charlie's face the other day. Dean was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes, even though he kept saying he shouldn't be laughing at his friend. Cas watched him with a big smile on his lips, not because the story had been funny, but because Dean laughing was one of the most beautiful things Cas had ever had the honor to witness.

"Sounds like you have your hands full at work," Castiel commented when Dean finally calmed down.

"Yeah, we do. Charlie took it well, after realizing what had just happened she just cleaned herself up like a professional, didn't freak out about it. She did smell like warm milk for the rest of the day, though." Dean chuckled.

"She was praising you the other day when she came by, told me you've been a great teacher for her," Castiel smiled gently. Dean looked down, his cheeks a little flushed.

"Yeah, well... I try my best. I remember when I first started in that job, it wasn't easy, so I just wanna help her every way I can." Dean shrugged like it was nothing.

"She's very grateful for that. You've done a lot for her, helping her get that job and now helping her with it." Cas smiled.

"I mean, she has a goal she's working for, of course I want to help her," Dean said, finally looking up to Cas' eyes. Cas stared at him for a moment, a smile on his lips.

"What about you? Do you have any goals or dreams? Anything big you'd like to accomplish in life?" Castiel asked.

"Um, whoa. That's kinda a loaded question to shoot out of nowhere," Dean breathed out, raising his eyebrows.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, it's okay," Castiel rushed to say.

"No, it's okay. I just need to think for a moment," Dean said. Cas nodded and took a sip of his beer, watching Dean.

"I'd like to have kids one day. Two, maybe three," Dean said quietly, then chuckled. "Of course, I'd need to have a partner, too, but... Yeah." He shrugged. Cas kept his mouth firmly shut.

After a moment Dean continued, "I've always wanted to be a teacher. I mean, I love my job, I love spending my days with the kids, but I've always thought about becoming a teacher one day. I just somehow have never gone through with it... I should go back to school first before I could start teaching others. It'd take years," Dean spoke, keeping his gaze down.

"You should do it! If you've been thinking about it for so long you should definitely do it. Get all the education you need until you're qualified to teach. Even if it took years it'd be worth it. You should reach for your dreams!" Cas was speaking quickly, excited. He loved the idea of Dean being a teacher, he could already see him in front of a classroom full of kids.

Dean looked up at him, his eyes filled with hope.

"You think so?" He smiled.

"Yes! Absolutely. You'd be an amazing teacher. You have a clear goal, it's absolutely reachable. Just go for it!" Cas smiled at him widely.

Dean didn't say anything for a long time, he just sat there right next to him, staring at him with a warm smile on his lips. He looked like he was thinking about something really hard until he finally looked away just to put his beer down on the coffee table. He scooted a little closer, his eyes back on Cas.

He put a hand on Cas' cheek, the touch making Cas forget how to breathe. What was going on?

"You're right," Dean started, his voice barely a whisper, "I should reach for my dreams and just... Go for it." Dean leaned in, his hand warm on Cas' cheek. Cas' eyes widened when Dean's slipped shut. Cas could hear his own heartbeat in his ears.

"No," Cas whispered before Dean's lips could touch his.

"No!" Cas yelled as he jumped up in panic. Dean almost fell on his face onto the spot where Cas had just been sitting on. He lifted his head up, his eyes wide.

"I have to go!" Cas announced, panic rising in his chest.

"Fuck! Wait, Cas, no! Shit, I fucked up. Wait, don't go!" Dean was on his feet in a blink.

Cas was already at the front door, just about to unlock it. He stopped for a second, took a deep breath and turned around.

"No, it's... It's better if I go now. I'll," Cas closed his eyes, trying to calm down. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Cas, I'm sorry," Dean said, sounding like he was about to cry.

"Bye, Dean." Cas pushed out of the door, closing it behind himself before Dean could say anything else.

Cas pressed the elevator button at least a hundred times before the doors finally opened. He rushed in, turning quickly to make sure Dean hadn't followed him. He hadn't. Cas pushed the button to the first floor, his heart still about to explode.

That, what Dean almost did, could never happen. No matter how much Cas wanted it, and oh boy did he want it more than anything in the world, it could never happen. If he ever wanted to get over Dean he couldn't know what his lips felt like against his, he couldn't know what his hands felt sliding on his skin or pulling on his hair. He couldn't know what being that close to him felt like, or he'd never get over him.

And what if he had let Dean kiss him? What if he had kissed him back, one thing had led to another and Dean had seen his tattoo? He couldn't let Dean get pleasure from his body, then find out the truth and leave him like a used tissue on the side of the road.

Cas paced back and forth in the elevator until it finally stopped. Cas rushed to his car, started the engine and started driving. He didn't know what this meant for their friendship. Could they ever go back to acting normal or would this change everything?

Cas had to pull over to the side of a road when his breathing got too fast. He clutched the steering wheel with both hands, gasping for air.

Dean tried to kiss him.

Castiel was... part of Dean's dreams? That was basically what Dean had said. He wanted a partner and a family, and he said he was reaching for his dreams when he tried to kiss him. Dean wanted all that with Castiel.

Cas couldn't get his breathing under control, he sat there in his car, trying to remember what he was supposed to do to get himself to calm down. He breathed in through his nose, held it, then released it as slowly as he could through his mouth. He repeated that over and over again until he was finally able to breathe normally. He leaned his head against the headrest, staring up at the dark grey ceiling of his car.

Maybe he should tell Dean the truth. Maybe it could be okay. Maybe, after all this, they could be happy together. Or maybe Dean would get mad that Cas had lied to him for months, maybe Dean would beat him up before running out of his life, maybe he'd do something that can't be undone.

Cas felt his breath quickening again so he had to take another fifteen minutes just to concentrate on his breathing before he was able to start driving again.

He wouldn't tell Dean anything.

 

* * *

 

Castiel didn't hear anything from Dean in days. A part of him wanted to contact him, send him a message, but he had no idea what to say. Maybe Dean had taken the very harsh rejection so badly that he couldn't bring himself to see Castiel ever again.

Cas realized that he had probably broken Dean's heart. He couldn't help but chuckle at the irony of it; they had both made it very clear that they didn't want their soulmate. Well, Cas did want Dean, but he was sure Dean thought the exact opposite at that moment. The way Cas had yelled "no" right to his face before running out had probably sent a loud, clear message to Dean. And apparently, Dean wanted him.

Cas groaned loudly when he flopped down on the couch. He had been thinking a lot about letting Dean in on his little secret ever since Dean had tried to kiss him, but the idea of actually showing his tattoo to Dean, considering how they had met, scared the shit out of him. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, his thumb hovering over Anna's contact until he scrolled down a bit and hit the call icon next to Charlie's name.

_"Hey, bestie! What's up?"_ Charlie answered after just a few seconds.

"Hey. Uh, do you have a minute?" Cas slid down on the couch, turning to lay on his back.

_"Yeah, sure. Gilda is at work and I just got home, got the rest of the night off,"_ she said, sounding cheerful. _"So, what's up?"_

"I, um..." Cas swallowed, trying to decide how to put it, "Dean tried to kiss me."

_"What?"_ Charlie yelped. _"Oh my god! Holy shit. Wait... What do you mean_ tried _?"_

"I didn't let him. I, uh... Jumped up yelling _no_ right to his face before running out of his apartment." Castiel explained.

_"Oh my lord, Castiel..."_ Charlie groaned. Cas could imagine her rubbing her face like she often did when she was frustrated.

"I haven't heard from him since, I want to reach out to him but I don't know what to say." Cas sighed.

_"Wait, when was this?"_

"Last Saturday."

_"Oh, so that's why he's been so down all week,"_ Charlie said. Castiel winced.

"He's been down?" He asked quietly.

_"Yeah, I mean he's doing a great job hiding it but as soon as he thinks no one is watching him, the facade crumbles. He looks like he could cry at any moment. I tried to ask him about it on Wednesday but he assured me that he was fine."_ Charlie told him.

Cas took in a shaky breath. Dean was sad because of him, he had broken Dean's heart. Still, it was nothing compared to what Dean had put him through, unintentionally. They could never be together after this, they had both broken each other's heart, they had both caused so much pain to the other that no bond was strong enough to make it all better. He would never be with his soulmate.

_"Cas? You still there?"_ Charlie asked.

"Uh, yeah. Has he... Did he..." Cas sighed. He rubbed at his eyes, feeling a bit of moisture catching on his fingers. He cleared his throat and tried again. "What should I do?"

_"Oh, man. I don't know, I'm sorry. What do you want to do?"_

"I assume time travel and alternate universes still aren't an option?" Cas chuckled mirthlessly.

_"Unfortunately they aren't. You're stuck in this reality."_ Charlie said, her tone apologetic.

"Maybe I should just never see him again. There's no hope left for us, for me and him to be happy together," Cas said, then snorted, "I'm not sure if there ever was any hope in the first place. Maybe we were doomed from the moment we were born. Maybe we're just... not meant to be." Cas said quietly.

_"No, don't say that. He's your soulmate, that alone proves that you were meant to be, and you are going to end up together at the end. It's how this works,"_ Charlie assured him.

"How could we? Everything has been an absolute mess ever since I met him, I can't see how things could ever turn better. I'm tired, Charlie. Can't I just, I don't know, move to the mountains and isolate myself from the rest of the world?" Cas sighed deeply.

_"No, you can't."_

"Let me dream," Cas chuckled tiredly.

_"Yeah, okay. But give him time. He'll come to you when he's gotten over the shame and the rejection. You two are not done yet, you hear me?"_ Charlie said sharply. Cas sighed.

"I'm not so sure about that..."

_"Well, I am. It's all gonna be okay one day, I know it."_

"Okay, okay. Hey, thanks for listening. Again."

_"No problem. You can call me anytime, you know that."_

"Thanks, Charlie. You're the best." Castiel smiled.

_"I know. Bye, Cas."_

"Bye."

Cas dropped his phone on his chest as he took a deep breath. Charlie was always so optimistic but this time Cas couldn't quite believe her. Everything was fucked up and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it.

He turned onto his side, facing the back of the couch as he felt the exhaustion rolling over him. He'd have to go to bed in about five hours, but a quick nap wouldn't do him any harm. At least when he was unconscious he wouldn't have to think about his sad, pathetic life.

When he woke up it was already past midnight. He wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth as he made his way to bed. He fell back asleep almost immediately after laying down.

 

* * *

 

Charlie had been right. It was Sunday the week after Dean had tried to kiss him when Cas got a message from him.

_"Hey, Cas. I'm really sorry about the... thing. If you don't absolutely hate me because of it, could we meet? I'm so sorry and I still wanna be friends with you. So, I don't know, text me if you want to?"_

It was only a text but Cas could almost hear Dean's awkward voice in his head and he wondered how many times Dean had re-written the message before finally sending it. Cas breathed in deeply, released it slowly and leaned against the kitchen counter. He missed Dean, and judging by the text, Dean missed him, too. He didn't say it in the text but it was still there, written between the lines. Cas read the text over and over again before he started to type a reply.

_"Hello, Dean. No, I don't hate you. If you want to talk, you can come over today if you have time. Let me know if/when you're coming."_

He left the phone on the counter and went to get a drink from the fridge. He was pouring juice into a tall glass when his phone vibrated again.

_"I'll be there in 5."_

Cas looked at the phone with wide eyes. Dean lived downtown, even with no traffic it'd take him at least fifteen minutes to get to Cas' house. He must've been somewhere near.

Cas barely had time to start the coffee machine before the doorbell rang. He smoothed his hands over the front of his t-shirt as he walked to the door. Even though he knew it was Dean he wasn't prepared for the sight that met him when he opened the door.

Dean had dark circles under his eyes, his skin looked a little grey and if Cas had to choose just one word to describe him at that moment, it'd be tired. But still, even with all that, he still looked gorgeous. Cas was sure his eyes were wide as he stared at him, not able to say a word.

"Hey, Cas. Can I come in?" Dean smiled weakly. Cas blinked twice before stepping out of the way, allowing Dean inside.

"You, uh, got here quickly," Cas said, trying to gather his thoughts.

"Yeah, I was..." Dean cleared his throat. Cas noticed a blush rising to Dean's cheeks.

"I was at a cafe close by. My original plan was to just come knock on your door, but then I thought that maybe you didn't wanna see me at all so... I'm sorry, I'm rambling." Dean shook his head, lowering his gaze to the floor.

"I'm glad you came. Coffee is almost ready if you want some." Cas offered, gesturing towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, thanks. I, um... Yes, coffee sounds good." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, then quickly turned around and rushed to the kitchen.

Cas stood there for a second, staring after him. Dean was obviously hurting, he was acting so awkward, like he was scared. But he had still reached out to Cas, made the first move to try and keep their friendship alive. Cas wanted to pull him into a hug, tell him the truth and finally, _finally_ kiss him. If only it was that easy.

Dean had put two mugs onto the table when Castiel stepped into the kitchen. He was sitting at the table, his right leg bouncing. Dean quickly stood up to get the coffee pot, muttering something that sounded like "I got it." Cas took a seat, watching as Dean poured coffee into both mugs before gently pushing one of them in front of Cas.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas smiled. Dean nodded before putting the pot back. He eyed Castiel carefully when he took a seat on the opposite side of the table.

"So... I wanted to explain what happened last weekend." Dean started. Cas had no idea what was about to happen. He knew, or at least he was pretty sure that Dean had feelings for him. Dean had basically said Castiel was part of his dreams, that he wanted the happy future with him. Cas swallowed down his nervousness and nodded for Dean to continue.

"I didn't mean to... to kiss you. Or, try to. I was drunk and kinda missing the feeling of being close to someone, you know? And you were there and I was drunk so I guess I figured it'd be a good idea, which it obviously wasn't! So, I'm sorry." Dean explained.

It would've been a good excuse, except that everything he just said was complete bullshit. He wasn't drunk back then, he had barely touched his first beer. The part about Dean missing the feeling of being close to someone was probably true, but the rest was a big fat lie. Of course, Cas wasn't going to call him out on it.

"I understand. It's okay. I could've handled my part in that situation a lot better, I'm sorry for running out on you like that," Castiel said.

"No, you don't have anything to apologize for, I completely get why you did that. It's fine, dude. Really." Dean assured him.

"You got me by surprise and I guess I just panicked a little," Cas explained.

"Like I said, it's okay, I get it. I hope we can still be friends. I mean, people do stupid shit when they're drunk, right? We shouldn't throw our friendship away for one drunken mistake. Right?" The last part sounded so pained, so scared that Cas felt it deep in his soul.

"No, of course not. We can just... put this behind us and make sure nothing like that ever happens again." Cas nodded. Something flashed on Dean's face but he turned his gaze away before Cas could recognize the look. Was it hurt? Disappointment?

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. Won't happen again, I promise." Dean nodded several times.

"Okay, good."

Neither of them said a word after that. Cas took a sip of his coffee but it had already gone lukewarm. He glanced at Dean who was staring down at the table, lightly chewing on his lower lip. He looked sad, and Castiel remembered what Charlie had said; as soon as he thinks no one is watching him, the facade crumbles.

"More coffee?" Cas asked. Dean's head snapped up and he smiled widely, but it was the fakest smile Cas had ever seen.

"No, thanks. I still have almost a full cup." Dean took a big gulp of his coffee. Cas knew it had already gone cold but Dean didn't seem to mind. He put the empty cup on the table as he stood up. Cas looked up at him.

"Do you wanna stay?"

"Nah, I gotta... I promised Jo I'd stop by today, so I have to go. Let's keep in touch, though." Dean smiled weakly.

"Oh, okay." Cas nodded. Dean turned to leave and Cas quickly stood up.

"Dean?"

Dean stopped, then slowly turned around.

"Yeah?"

"I just... Want you to know that we're okay, at least if you ask me. I hope you feel the same."

Dean's shoulders visibly relaxed and a genuine smile softened the harsh lines of his face.

"Yeah, we're good, Cas."

"Okay, good. I'll see you around. Tell Jo I said hi." Cas smiled.

"Yeah, I will. Bye, Cas."

It wasn't until after he heard the door closing as Dean left that Cas realized that he probably should've walked him to the door to say goodbye.

 

* * *

 

Things got better between them little by little after that. They kept texting each other daily, just like they had before. Everything went back to normal, and even though Cas still sometimes dreamed about waking up in Dean's arms, kissing him until they'd both be out of breath or taking Dean to bed, he was still happy that they were back to being friends.

On a sunny Thursday afternoon, Cas headed to the pier straight from work. His coworkers had been talking about a new coffee shop that had opened at the pier, and they didn't sell just drinks but also special coffees from all around the world. Cas loved to try different kinds of coffees and flavors, so he was hoping to find something exotic.

As he was walking down the pier he stopped in his tracks when he spotted something. A record store. He remembered how he and Dean had been searching for that store for ages when they first went out together all those months ago. Castiel headed into the store.

"Hello, how can I help you?" A cheery looking guy asked, straightening up from where he had been leaning against the counter.

"Hello. Do you have vinyl albums? Classic rock?" Castiel asked.

"Sure do. Over here," the guy started walking, rounding the counter and leading Cas to the back of the store. "You looking for anything specific?"

"Uh, Led Zeppelin and Metallica, mostly."

"Ah, the true classics, you got a good taste." The guy grinned.

"Actually, they're for... a friend." Castiel corrected.

"Okay, well do you know which albums they like?"

"No, not really. I guess I could buy a couple from both bands, I'm sure he'll like at least some of them." Cas shrugged.

The guy helped him to choose which albums to buy, and Cas was out of the store in less than ten minutes. As he was walking towards the coffee shop he started to think about how he'd give the present to Dean. Would it seem weird if he'd just say he bought them because he remembered Dean looking for them? Dean's birthday was months away, he couldn't wait that long to give them to him. He couldn't come up with any excuse as to why he had spent over a $100 on records just to give them to Dean. Would Dean suspect something if he'd just hand them to him?

He decided not to think too much about it, he'd just give them to him. Friends gave presents to friends all the time, it wasn't a big deal. It'd be a nice surprise from one friend to another. Nothing else.

Cas bought Cuban coffee from the shop he had came to the pier for in the first place. The clerk promised that it'd wake Cas up like nothing else.

 

* * *

 

The next day Cas rushed home from work after having to stay overtime. Earlier that day Dean had texted him, asking if he'd like to join him to a barbeque party at Jo's. Anna and Ruby were coming too, and Cas had barely seen his sister since she found her soulmate a few weeks earlier, so Cas had said yes to the invite. Dean had promised to pick him up at six, but it was already past six and Cas wasn't even home yet.

He saw Dean sitting in his car in his driveway when Cas was close enough to his house to see him. Cas waved when he noticed Dean looking at him. Instead of waving back, Dean stepped out of the car, a huge grin on his lips.

"You're twenty minutes late," Dean said once Cas stepped to the driveway.

"I know, I'm sorry. The last patient of the day took a bit longer than I had expected." Castiel moved past him towards the door, digging his keys from his pocket.

"It's fine, we're in no hurry. Let's just hope they have food left once we finally get there," Dean teased, making Cas roll his eyes.

"I'm sure they do."

Cas dropped his messenger bag on the couch, mentally listing everything he'd have to do before they'd leave. He'd definitely have to change clothes to something more casual since he was still wearing his work outfit, except for the white coat he always hangs in his locker before leaving work.

"Hey, what's this?" Dean asked. Cas turned to look at him.

Dean was holding the plastic bag from the record store, peeking inside. Cas felt his cheeks getting warmer, he hadn't planned on giving the records to Dean quite yet, he hadn't thought what he'd say.

"Uh... I bought them for... for you." Cas mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.

Dean's head snapped up, his eyes wide as he stared at Cas.

"What? Why?"

Before Cas could answer, Dean pulled one of the vinyl records out of the bag.

"No way! You bought me Master of Puppets on vinyl? Holy shit, Cas!" Dean set the album to the side and pulled out another one. "And Ride the Lightning? And Zeppelin's fourth? Holy shit, Cas!"

"Do you like them?" Cas asked nervously, keeping his eyes down. He was sure he was visibly blushing.

"Dude, I love these! You got me all the classics. What's the occasion?"

Cas could hear the grin in Dean's voice. He glanced up at him, shrugging.

"I was at the pier yesterday and just happened to spot the store. I remembered how we spent ages looking for it that one time we went there together, so," he shrugged again. "I'm glad you like them."

He heard Dean moving and just as he looked up, Dean wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Cas' eyes widened, but after a second he relaxed in Dean's hold and returned the hug. It felt good to be held by him, Dean's chest solid against his, his arms strong around his body. It felt too good, but Cas didn't want to let go. He pressed his cheek against Dean's shoulder just for a second, just to know what it felt like before letting go.

Dean was still smiling widely, his hands lingering on Cas' body for a heartbeat too long. Dean let go of him, picking up one of the albums he had put on the side table.

"Man, I can't believe you got me these. I can totally pay you back for these, you don't-"

"No, no way. They are a gift." Cas waved him off. Dean stared at him with a soft look in his eyes, a small smile on his lips.

"Thanks, Cas. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done to me. These must've cost a fortune." Dean looked down to the album he was holding.

"You deserve nice things," Cas whispered. Dean looked up at him, then turned away. Cas didn't miss the blush on his cheeks.

Dean cleared his throat loudly. "So, uh, you ready to go?"

"Oh, right. Just give me a minute!" Cas said before rushing into his bedroom, closing the door after him. He obviously didn't have an outfit planned since he had been at work when Dean had invited him. He pulled open the closet doors, quickly scanning the shelves with his eyes.

He stripped out of his pants and the button up he was wearing, leaving him just in his underwear. He decided on light washed jeans and pulled them on quickly, but he couldn't pick between two t-shirts. He pulled them both out of the closet and moved to stand in front of the big mirror. He pulled on the first t-shirt, a dark grey loose fitting one. He turned his body from side to side, then pulled the shirt off because it made him look bigger than he was. He picked up the other shirt, a dark blue one that was a lot better fitted. He was just about to pull it over his head when the door opened.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Cas, what's taking you so long?" Dean sighed loudly.

"Hey!" Cas yelped, trying to cover his left side that was currently facing towards Dean, but it was too late. Dean was staring at him with his eyes wide open. He had seen it.

Dean had seen Castiel's tattoo.

Dean took a step into the room, the expression on his face unreadable. Cas took a step back, turning to face him. He still had his hand over the tattoo even though he knew Dean had already seen it, knew that his palm wasn't big enough to hide it.

"Dean, please don't," Cas whispered, feeling the tears prickling in his eyes.

"Cas, show it to me," Dean said. His tone was even, so even that it made Cas shiver. He couldn't read Dean at all, he had no idea what he'd do next. Cas kept walking backwards as Dean took steps closer to him.

"Dean, don't. Please, just don't," Cas was begging him. He was already crying, tears rolling down his cheeks, but he'd have to keep himself together, stay sharp in case Dean would attack him.

His back hit the wall and Dean was still moving closer. Cas couldn't remember the last time he'd been this scared. His whole body was stiff, ready to explode into action at any moment if needed. Dean stopped right in front of him, toe to toe. He looked Cas into his eyes as his hand moved to grab Cas', the one that was covering the tattoo.

"Cas, show me."

"No. Dean, don't." Cas was whimpering, his voice weak. He hated how scared and weak he was, but he couldn't help it.

Dean took a hold of Cas' wrist, pulling it away from his side a lot gentler than Cas had expected. Cas let him reveal the tattoo, realizing that it was pointless trying to hide it anymore.

Dean gasped loudly when he finally saw Castiel's tattoo up close. He stared at it until his eyes snapped up to Cas, who's hands were by his sides, his fists tight as he prepared to what would happen next.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked. He sounded angry now.

Cas couldn't get a word out of his mouth. He shook his head, trying to blink the tears from his eyes.

"Cas! Why didn't you tell me!" Dean asked louder. Cas couldn't answer.

"Why didn't you-"

"Because you didn't want me!" Cas yelled. Dean blinked, took a small step back.

"What?" Dean asked so quietly Cas barely heard him.

"That's what you kept saying all through our first session when we first met. That's what you've been saying for months. You don't want a soulmate, you never even want to meet them, you don't want... me." Cas' voice broke into sobs. He quickly wiped his tears on the back of his hand.

Dean was still staring at him, his mouth hanging open. He seemed to be trying to say something, but he wasn't able to form the words. Cas stood there, his back still pressed against the wall, waiting. Dean's anger was gone, he seemed more shocked at that moment, so Cas figured the threat of getting punched in the face had probably passed.

"Cas, I..." Dean started. His skin was pale, his eyes full of pain.

"I have to go," Dean said right before he turned around and marched out of the room. A moment later the front door opened and slammed shut.

Cas gasped for air as his worst nightmare became reality.

Dean had found out the truth and now he was gone. Cas didn't believe for a second that he'd ever see Dean again, or even hear from him. His legs gave out underneath him and he slid down against the wall until he was sitting on the floor, his face pressed into his knees. He couldn't breathe, he was crying again and his insides felt like they had turned into heavy goo.

He fell on his side on the floor, not able to do anything but gasp for air while the tears wetted his cheeks. His soulmate hated him, his soulmate had left him as soon as he had found out the truth. He was gone for good. When they had first met, when Dean had said all those awful things, Cas had thought that nothing could ever hurt him more than that did, but he'd been wrong; this, this was a million times worse. This time Dean knew and still decided he didn't want a soulmate. This time it was a personal rejection, and it broke what was left of Cas' heart, what he had been able to save and repair in the last 5 months.

Cas didn't know how long he had been laying there on the floor but eventually, the tears stopped, his breathing evened out and he was able to stand up. He walked slowly to the living room, some part of him hoping that he'd find Dean there. He wasn't surprised when he walked into an empty room. As he looked around his eyes landed on the plastic bag from the record shop. The albums were still on the side table where Dean had put them before hugging him. Cas picked one of them up, staring at the art on the cover. He wanted to bend it until it'd snap, destroy them and everything else that reminded him of Dean, but at the last moment he decided not to. He could sell them, he could get his money back. Maybe the store would let him return them. He could try.

He heard his phone vibrating somewhere. He opened his bag and shoved his hand inside. When he found his phone he noticed that it was already past nine, which meant he had been crying for almost three hours. He chuckled humorlessly at his own pathetic self as he unlocked his phone. He had three missed calls from Anna and several text messages from her.

Nothing from Dean.

_"Hey, are you guys coming? Food is almost ready?"_

_"Where are you guys?"_

_"Cas, is everything okay? Jo has been calling Dean but he won't answer either. Call me as soon as you see these, we're worried!"_

Cas typed a quick reply. _"Hey, I'm sorry for not answering. Dean saw my tattoo. He left. I'm okay, I'm sure he's too. I'll call you tomorrow, I just want to sleep now."_

 He headed to the bathroom, washed his face and brushed his teeth. He stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, his skin pale. He was hungry but he had no energy to eat, all he wanted was to climb into bed and pass out for a decade.

When he came back to the living room there was another message from Anna waiting for him on his phone.

_"Oh no, I'm so sorry! Do you want me to come over tomorrow? I could take Charlie with me if she's free. Hang in there, Cas, it'll get better <3"_

Cas highly doubted that.

_"I don't know, I'll text you about it tomorrow, okay? I'll be fine, don't worry about me."_

_"I always worry about you."_

Cas shook his head at his phone before dragging himself back to the bedroom. He kicked off the jeans and crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his head.

He wished he had never even met Dean.


	9. Finally!

The weekend went by in a blur. Cas assured Anna that he was okay, that she wouldn't have to come over. At some point, Cas wasn't even sure which day it was, someone rang his doorbell for ages before leaving. It had probably been Anna, but Cas didn't feel like seeing other people or talking to anyone. He only got up from bed to go to the bathroom, he barely even ate anything all weekend.

Early on Monday morning he called in sick to work for the first time in almost two years. His boss let him take two days off, and if he didn't feel better by then, then he'd have to go see a doctor. Cas didn't tell his boss the real reason why he couldn't come to work, instead he made up a fever. Luckily, his unused, tired voice backed him up and his boss wished him a quick recovery before they ended the call.

Cas kept checking his phone even though he knew Dean would never contact him again in any way. It was all over, and the only thing Cas had left was the memories. He thought about how it had felt to be held by Dean just a few days earlier, how big and strong his arms had been around him, how safe Cas had felt pressed against his chest. He wrapped his arms around himself, burying his face even deeper into the pillow. Another sob slipped past his lips without his permission.

It was past eight that night when Cas finally dragged himself out of bed. He took a quick shower, pulled on his pajama pants and the loose grey t-shirt that was still on the bedroom floor before heading to the kitchen. He was so hungry he was about to throw up, and even though life sucked at that moment he knew he had to eat something.

He started easy with some yoghurt, eating slowly, spoonful after another until the bowl in front of him was empty. He was peeling a banana when he heard someone knocking on his door. He didn't want to get up to go open the door, didn't want to see Anna's pitiful eyes looking up at him, didn't want to hear all the cliché words about how it'd get better.

He took a small bite of the banana when there was another knock, a little louder this time. Cas chewed slowly, willing it to stay in even though he felt like he could throw up at any moment.

Another knock.

Cas sighed. He left the partly eaten banana on the table and dragged his feet towards the front door. If it'd make Anna feel better to see him, he could give her that. He opened the door and froze immediately when his gaze found the familiar green eyes.

"Hey," Dean whispered.

Cas felt his insides twisting, his heart beating faster than ever. Dean had came back. Why had he came back?

"Can I come in?" Dean asked. He looked so hurt, lost and tired that Cas wanted to pull him into a hug.

"Are you going to hurt me?" he asked instead, not stepping out of Dean's way yet, not allowing him into the house.

Dean's eyes widened. "What? Why would I hurt you? Cas, I could never hurt you. Please, just... I want..." Dean looked down, swallowing hard. Cas contemplated it for a moment before slowly stepping to the side, nodding for Dean to come in. Dean moved past him quickly but quietly, like he was scared he'd get kicked out at any minute.

"I think..." Dean started, then looked away. Cas had never seen him so nervous.

"We should talk," Dean said, turning his head to look Cas in the eye again.

Cas was tired, Dean had broken his heart in every way imaginable, he knew they had no future together and honestly, he just wanted to go to bed and sleep all the pain away. But Dean was right, they needed to talk about their situation, so instead of arguing or saying anything, Cas nodded and gestured for Dean to take a seat on the couch.

Dean picked his nails, glanced around the room a couple of times before his eyes locked in Cas.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean asked the same question he had asked the other day, this time with a quiet, sad tone. Cas sighed.

"I already told you; you didn't want me."

Dean scooted a little closer, an alarmed expression on his face.

"I do! I do want you, in every possible way. I tried to kiss you! I tried to kiss you because I want you, because I like you," Dean said, his eyes wide. Cas looked at him, his mouth hanging open.

"Then why didn't you tell me how you felt?" Cas asked quietly. Dean couldn't hold his gaze, instead he stared down to where Cas was worrying the fabric of his pajama pants between his fingers.

"I... I was scared. I couldn't let myself fall in love with you only to have someone else take you away from me.  Of course, I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening..." Dean chuckled a little, shaking his head. Cas' eyes widened.

"You're in love with me?" He whispered. Dean looked up, blinking twice.

"Of course I am, you're my soulmate. I've been in love with you probably since my third appointment," Dean admitted.

"But... The way you always talked about soulmates... I was scared of your reaction if I had told you. I was scared that you'd hurt me," Cas said quietly, looking down. Suddenly he felt Dean's hand gently gripping his own. When he looked up Dean was staring at him with a soft look in his eyes.

"Cas, I could never hurt you."

"You already have," Cas pointed out quietly. Dean's breath caught in his throat.

"I didn't know, I didn't know it was you. Cas, I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you, I can't even imagine..." Dean pulled his hands away and covered his face. Cas heard a tiny sob coming from behind Dean's hands.

"Oh God, I'm such a fuck up. You must hate me," Dean whimpered.

"I don't hate you," Cas said gently.

"How can you not?" Dean lowered his hands, wiping at his eyes.

"I did hate you, I hated you so much after the initial pain and shock passed. Anna and Charlie offered to kill you and I almost let them. You hurt me so much, I just wanted to see you suffer like you had made me suffer. But," he paused, breathing slowly in and out, "now I've gotten to know you and I've started to understand why you did what you did. You didn't get your tattoo removed because you don't want a soulmate or because you don't believe in them. You did it because you think you don't _deserve_ one. For some reason, you think you're not worthy of anyone's love, but Dean, you are."

Dean sucked in an audible breath, but wasn't able to say anything, so Cas continued "I love you so fucking much, even though you smashed my heart and soul into million pieces the very first time I met you, and you've continued to do so through all these months but I can't help it. Every tiny piece that's left of my heart beats for you, Dean, and I hate myself for it sometimes when I listen to you talk about how much you don't want a soulmate, when you say the whole soulmate bond is bullshit and when you..." Cas paused, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

"You've broken me in so many ways but still, all I want to do is help _you_ up and put you together. I don't hate you. I probably should, I have every right to, but I can't. Even if you walked out of my life right now I'd never fully hate you."

When Cas looked up, Dean was crying. He was sobbing, his hands covering most of his face. He wiped his tears and his nose on the side of his hand, tiny hiccups rising from his throat.

"How do you know that?" Dean was able to ask. "I've never told that to anyone, how do you know that?"

"I don't know how, I just do." Cas shrugged.

Neither of them said anything for a minute, Cas just watched as Dean slowly got himself together again.

"Dean? You have to put me out of my misery," Cas started, getting Dean's attention. "If you really don't want a soulmate, if you don't want me, then just... Please, walk out of that door and never come back. I can't keep going like this, like I almost have you but I don't. It's all or nothing, Dean." Cas could hear the pleading in his voice, the desperation. This was it, the moment that would make or break them.

Dean just stared at him for a long moment, not saying anything. His eyes were still glistening with tears but Cas had no idea what was going on in his head, what decision he'd make. It felt like someone had wrapped barbed wire around his heart and it was getting tighter with every passing second.

Dean moved suddenly, pushing himself closer until their sides were pressed together. Cas gasped when Dean cupped his cheek gently.

"You're all I've ever wanted, Castiel," Dean whispered, so close to him that Cas could feel the warmth of his breath on his lips. Cas let out a relieved sob and the corners of his lips twitched up.

"Cas, can I... May I kiss you?" Dean asked, his voice quivering. All Cas could do was nod and then Dean was leaning in, pressing their lips together. Something inside of Cas sparked at the contact, sending electric shivers all through his body.

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him even tighter as he kissed him back. The kiss felt nothing like any other kiss he had ever had; it was a million times better. It felt like coming home, like finding his place in the universe. It felt like pure love.

"Oh my God, please tell me you felt that too," Cas gasped when they broke the kiss. Dean was panting against his lips, nodding lightly.

"I did," he breathed out before pressing yet another quick kiss to Cas' lips.

"I never want to stop kissing you," Dean whispered, nuzzling his nose on Cas' cheek. Cas let out a small chuckle that made Dean lean back a little so he could look at him. "What?"

Cas shook his head. "I just... I thought I'd never have this. After I first saw your tattoo I thought we'd never-" he paused, the smile slipping from his lips. He looked up into Dean's eyes.

"Promise me that this is real. Promise me you'll never leave me," Cas said.

"This is real, I promise. I'm not going anywhere. You're what I want, you're what I thought I'd never get. Cas, I..." Dean swallowed. He took Cas' hand before looking him deep into his eyes.

"Castiel, I love you. I promise I'll stay by your side as long as you'll have me," Dean said, his tone serious. Cas felt a weight disappearing from his shoulders, the tight feeling that had been twisting his insides for months finally loosening up until it was gone.

He jumped forward, capturing Dean's lips with his. Dean fell backwards on the couch, laughing against Cas' lips as Cas crawled on top of him. Kissing Dean felt just as good as it had the first time, and Cas couldn't get enough. He pushed his tongue past Dean's lips, a shiver traveling down his back when he felt Dean's tongue sliding against his.

"I love you too, you stupid, gorgeous man," Cas said between kisses, making Dean chuckle.

"Your soulmate is an idiot," Dean grinned, pulling away from the heated kiss.

"You say that like it was news to me, when in reality I've known it since the day I met you. What were you even thinking, getting your soulmate tattoo removed during the year when the number of feathers matches your age?" Cas swatted Dean's arm.

"I don't know! I don't know what I was thinking." Dean sighed loudly. After a moment, he continued, "maybe that's what was always supposed to happen? Maybe me being a complete idiot and getting my tattoo removed was how it was meant to go? Maybe there was never another option."

Cas dropped his head against Dean's shoulder, and Dean's arms were immediately around him.

"I hate the universe," Cas muttered.

"What?" Dean chuckled. Cas lifted his head.

"I said that I hate the universe. If it's plan all along was to make me suffer for months, then it can go fuck itself," Cas snapped.

"Hey, we're here now. Look at us. After all that pain and heartbreak we're here." Dean smiled gently.

Cas ran his fingers through Dean's hair, staring down into his beautiful eyes, feeling his body under his as they laid on the couch. Here they were.

"I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up any minute now. I've had this dream so many times, I'm still not sure this is real," Cas admitted quietly. Dean leaned up to press a light kiss on his lips.

"It's real. We are finally real, Castiel." Dean hugged him a little tighter. Cas leaned down to kiss him again, he couldn't get enough of the feeling when their lips met. Right at that moment, Cas' stomach let out a loud rumble, which caused Dean to pull away and crack up.

"Hungry?" He laughed, raising his eyebrows at Cas.

"Uh, yeah. Haven't eaten much in the past few days," Cas admitted. Dean was his soulmate and now they both knew it, so he might as well tell him everything from then on.

Dean's laughter died down immediately and he pushed Cas off of him gently.

"Okay, let's get you something to eat, then," he said, guiding Cas towards the kitchen.

"I was eating when you knocked on my door," Cas told him.

"Good, but you need to eat more." Dean decided. Once they reached the kitchen Cas picked up the rest of his banana and took another bite.

"Okay, that's a good start but you need more. Is it okay if I check your fridge?" Dean asked. Cas just nodded, his mouth still full. Dean went through the fridge for a minute until he pulled out some eggs and ham.

"How does an omelet sound?" He smiled at Cas brightly. Cas swallowed the last of his banana.

"Sounds good." He nodded.

Dean got to work, telling Cas to just sit down and wait while he cooked. Cas followed him with his eyes as Dean moved around the kitchen, getting everything ready before popping the pan on the stove. He looked good in Cas' kitchen, cooking for the both of them. Cas could get used to that view.

It didn't take long until Dean placed a perfect omelet in front of Cas, handing him a knife and fork. Cas took a bite, his eyes slipping shut as the taste exploded in his mouth. He had never even imagined an omelet could taste this good.

"Dean, this is delicious," he said once he had swallowed. Dean smiled at him proudly.

"Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Do you mind if I make one for myself, too? Haven't been eating too well, either." Dean admitted quietly.

"Of course not, go ahead." Cas nodded.

By the time Dean had the second omelet ready, Cas had already finished his. He was feeling a lot better after getting some food, and he was content just watching Dean as he ate. Dean must've been hungry because he basically inhaled the omelet in record time.

"Dean?" Cas asked carefully as they were putting the dishes into the washer.

"Yes?" Dean turned to look at him.

"Will you... I mean, you could stay the night. If you want to," Cas said. He wasn't sure if it was too much too soon, but he personally would be more than okay to finally sleep next to his soulmate, maybe be held by him as they slept, and waking up next to him.

Dean closed the washer before stepping in front of Cas, pressing him gently against the counter.

"I'd love to stay," he whispered, then kissed Cas' smiling lips. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck, pulling him even closer.

Cas yelped when Dean suddenly gripped the back of his thighs and lifted him up on the counter, but started to giggle as soon as Dean fit himself between his legs. With a hand on the small of Cas' back Dean pulled their bodies together and pressed his forehead against Cas'.

"Do you have work tomorrow?" Dean asked, his tone hushed. Cas bit his lip and shook his head.

"No, I called in sick this morning. I don't have to go to work until Wednesday. You?"

"Me too. And I have Wednesday off anyway so I'm completely free until Thursday."

Cas wrapped his legs around Dean's waist, locking him there.

"Good. I'm not going to let you leave now that I have you," Cas whispered, so close to him that his lips were brushing against Dean's.

"I'm not going anywhere." Dean closed the barely there gap between them, holding Cas tightly as they kissed. Cas rolled his body slowly against Dean's, making him moan into the kiss. One of Cas' hands was buried in Dean's hair while the other gripped his shoulder tightly.

Dean broke the kiss, panting hard against Cas' mouth.

"If you keep doing that I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold myself back." Dean closed his eyes, his hands gripping the back of Cas' shirt. Cas turned his head so that his mouth was right next to Dean's ear.

"Who said I want you to hold back?" he whispered.

Dean smashed their mouth together almost violently, shoving his tongue straight into Cas' mouth. Cas grinned against his lips, rolling his body again. Dean's hands slid down his back until they were right above Cas' ass. Dean pulled away a little, looking at him like he was asking for a permission.

"I want you." Cas nodded.

Dean kissed him again, just as hungrily as he had before. Cas felt how Dean's hands slipped inside the back of his pajama pants and then into his underwear. It was his turn to moan into the kiss when Dean grabbed his cheeks roughly, pulling him even closer and rolling his hips against him, letting Cas feel his hardness.

Cas pushed his hands under Dean's shirt and pulled it up. They broke the kiss only for a second so that they could get the shirt off, and then Dean was back on him. Cas' entire body was filled with lust and excitement. He wanted Dean, more than he had ever wanted anyone before. This wasn't how he had thought the day would end, but he definitely wasn't complaining as his soulmate's strong arms wrapped around his body and lifted him up, carrying him towards the bedroom.

Dean laid him down on the bed gently, pulling Cas' t-shirt off before crawling on top of him. Cas squirmed as Dean slowly slid his hand up his side, devouring his body with his eyes.

"You're perfect," Dean said, his tone so full of love that Cas had to believe him.

"Dean. Kiss me again." Cas pulled him down with a hand on the back of his neck, and Dean came willingly.

As they were kissing Cas heard the sound of a zipper being pulled down, and a second later Dean was kicking his own jeans off without ever breaking the kiss. Cas reached down to push his pajama pants and underwear down, and Dean helped him the rest of the way.

When they were both finally naked Dean stopped to stare at him, his pupils blown. Cas felt his cheeks heating up under Dean's gaze.

"How do you wanna do this?" he asked. Dean looked him in the eyes before leaning back down to kiss him.

"I want to take care of you. I want to worship you, make you feel good. Will you let me do that?" Dean asked, staring down at him. Cas was blushing again, and all he could do was nod.

Dean kissed him again, slipping his tongue into his mouth before moving to kiss down his neck. Cas gasped when Dean bit down on the side of his neck gently, sending shivers down his body. Dean licked over the spot before sliding down his body, kissing every inch as he went. He stopped when he reached Cas' nipples, flicking his tongue over the left one. Cas moaned, and it made Dean turn to look up at him.

"Are they sensitive? Do you like this?" He asked, licking over it again.

"Yes," Cas gasped, burying his hand into Dean's hair. Dean pinched Cas' right nipple with his fingers while licking and sucking on the left one until Cas was arching up from the bed, moaning loudly. Finally, Dean pressed one last kiss on the hardened nub before kissing his way down. His hands on Cas' side were gentle, his mouth wet and warm as it traveled down his stomach.

"I want to give everything to you," Dean said between kisses. "I want to do everything for you, I want to make you feel good," a kiss on Cas' left hip, "you deserve everything that is good in this world, and I want to give it all to you. You're perfect." Dean followed the sharp hip bone down towards where Cas was hard and leaking.

Cas held in the sob that was rising in his throat, blinking away the tears that were forming in his eyes.

"Dean? I love you," Cas said weakly. Dean probably heard how his voice wavered but Cas didn't care.

"I love you too, Castiel. Will you let me make you feel good?" Dean's thumbs were rubbing gentle circles on Cas' hips.

Cas nodded, wiping his eyes on the sides of his hands. "Yes. Oh, god, yes."

Dean wrapped his hand around Cas' hard cock and licked it all the way from the base to the tip before taking the head into his mouth, letting his tongue swirl around it. Castiel's gasp quickly turned into a moan when Dean pushed his head down, taking him deeper.

Dean's mouth felt unbelievably good around his cock, and every little trick he pulled with his tongue worked Cas closer and closer to his release. It had been months since Cas had touched himself, he was gonna come embarrassingly fast.

"Dean, you're making me come," he tried to warn, tugging on his hair. Dean just hummed around his cock, bobbing his head up and down.

"Dean, I'm not gonna - ah - last," Cas panted, trying his best to hold it back. Dean moved his head up until only the tip of Cas' cock was in his mouth. He teased the slit with his tongue while hollowing his cheeks. Cas' back arched up off the bed and he came with a broken cry of Dean's name.

Dean swallowed every last drop of it, licking his cock clean before he crawled back up. He leaned on one elbow, his other hand wrapped around his own cock as he stared down at Cas.

"I'm so close," Dean moaned quietly.

"Let me." Cas slipped his hand between them, gently moving Dean's away from his cock before starting to stroke him. Dean kept himself up on both elbows and dropped his head against Cas' shoulder. Cas moved his right hand up and down on Dean's pre-cum covered shaft, twisting his hand at the head before moving back down.

"I'm gonna come," Dean moaned against his skin.

"Come on me, mark me as yours," Cas whispered to his ear, and that was what pushed Dean over the edge. Cas moaned when Dean's hot come landed on his stomach and covered his hand. "Fuck, yes baby, just like that."

Dean collapsed on top of him, his come smearing on both of their bodies. Cas pulled his hand from between them, wrapping his arms around Dean's body. They laid there for a few minutes, breathing hard and holding each other. Finally Dean lifted his head to look him in the eye.

"Am I crushing you?" He asked, making Cas smile.

"A little, but I'm okay with it." Dean grinned back at him and pressed a quick kiss on his lips before rolling off of him, settling himself against Cas' side.

"Oh God, I came so quickly," Cas groaned, pressing his hand on his face. Next to him, Dean chuckled.

"Me, too. I don't know if I've ever been that turned on. I still kinda am, to be honest." Dean smirked once Cas peeked at him from between his fingers.

"I promise I'll last longer next time. It's just... Been a long time since the last time I..." Cas shrugged.

"Slept with someone?" Dean asked.

"That too, but I haven't even touched myself since I met you," Cas admitted. Dean lifted his head, his eyes wide.

"Why not?"

"I was mad. I couldn't touch myself without thinking about you and honestly? I was so hurt I didn't want to think about you while jacking off. I don't know how to explain it, it just... I don't know," Cas sighed.

"Cas, I'm so sorry," Dean whispered, reaching up to gently touch his face. Cas turned to look at him.

"You didn't know."

"Still, I'm sorry. I'll make it all up to you. I swear I'll never hurt you again, and I'll make sure no one else does either." Dean leaned up to press a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth.

"I forgive you. And not just because you give great head, even though that makes forgiving you that much easier." Cas teased, making Dean laugh.

"I'll do it again whenever you want to if it makes you happy." Dean grinned. Cas pushed Dean on his back and rolled on top of him, pressing him against the mattress before kissing him deeply. He gripped Dean's wrists, pinning them above his head. When he pulled up for air, Dean had a smirk on his lips, his eyebrows raised.

"Oh? You wanna go again? Already?" Dean asked.

"I do want to, but I don't think I can quite yet." Cas chuckled.

"Okay, old man. Shower?"

"I'm a year older than you, shut up." Cas rolled his eyes.

"And it shows, I'm already good to go for round two," Dean winked. Cas swayed his ass on top of Dean's definitely soft cock.

"Liar." Cas grinned before leaning down to kiss him again. "So, shower?"

"Yeah."

 

* * *

 

The next morning Cas woke up wrapped up in strong arms, warm breath tickling the back of his neck. He pressed himself even closer to Dean's chest, enjoying the moment. Dean was breathing softly, obviously still asleep. Cas intertwined their fingers, lifting their hands to his mouth to kiss Dean's knuckles.

"Mmh, morning," Dean mumbled against his skin.

"Hey. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Cas whispered, turning his head to look at him. Dean's arms around him tightened and Cas could feel Dean nuzzling his face on his neck.

"It's okay," Dean answered. They were quiet for a moment until Dean hugged him even tighter. "God, I've been dreaming about waking up next to you for so long. For months my bed has felt so empty, even though you've never been in it."

Cas turned around in his arms to kiss him. "I know that feeling," he admitted.

"I'm so happy right now. I'm so fucking happy that I finally got you. And you're mine, you're all mine, can you believe that? No one's ever gonna take you away from me!" Dean smiled, throwing his leg over Cas' for good measure as he buried his face against Cas' chest.

"You sound so possessive right now," Cas chuckled.

"I think I'm allowed to," Dean mumbled, then lifted his head to look at him. "And I'm yours, too. Forever."

Cas' heart made an excited flip and he felt like his entire body was filled with happiness. He guided Dean into a kiss with a gentle hand on his cheek, and Dean came willingly. The kiss was sweet, gentle, full of promises.

"Forever," Cas whispered. Dean nodded.

"Forever."

 

* * *

 

Dean ended up staying the entire day. They were basically glued to each other from head to toe the whole day, not leaving each other's side for more than a couple of minutes. They cooked together, watched TV together and made each other come twice during the day, once on the couch where Dean fingered Cas' hole while sucking on his dick until Cas came on his face before taking Dean into his mouth for the very first time. Later they ground against each other in the shower until their legs were about to give out under them.

That night when they laid together in bed, naked and sated, Dean was quiet. He was staring at Cas' side, at his tattoo that was peeking from under the edge of the covers. Cas suddenly felt nervous. He was scared to ask what Dean was thinking, scared that he had changed his mind about them. He had to know.

"Hey, are you okay?" Cas asked quietly. Dean's eyes snapped up to him and he blinked a couple of times.

"Uh, yeah, I just..." Dean swallowed, shaking his head. Cas felt that old familiar weight growing inside of him. Had he celebrated too soon?

"What were you thinking about?"

Dean looked down at Cas' tattoo again, then down to the mattress.

"I'm so sorry."

Cas' heart was beating fast, cold shivers running down his arms.

"Dean, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry I got rid of my tattoo. I... Now that we're... I wish I still had it." Cas noticed the tears that were filling Dean's eyes so he scooted closer and pulled Dean into his arms. Dean started crying, burying his face on Cas' shoulder.

"You were right. I never should've gotten rid of it, I should have thought it through. I was just so... bitter and angry at the universe. If I had known--" Dean's words were cut off by a loud sob. Cas rubbed his back, soothing him as best as he could.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. We can't undo what's been done. We both know we're soulmates, I've seen your tattoo. I know. It's okay, Dean. I understand why you did it. Do I wish you still had it? Of course, but I understand why you wanted to get rid of it. It's okay." Cas assured him.

Dean pressed a kiss over Cas' heart, then moved down until he was able to kiss Cas' tattoo. He pressed several kisses all over it before resting his face against it.

"It's beautiful. I lied when I called it ugly, I've always thought it's beautiful. I love how big our tattoo is, it's like 'in your face' big, bold and colorful." Dean lifted his head, tracing the tattoo with his fingertips.

"I like that about it, too." Castiel smiled.

"Hey, what's the thing with the wing, by the way? I never got that," Dean asked. Cas could feel his finger drawing every single feather on his skin.

"My best guess is that it comes from my name," Castiel said. Dean just looked up at him, still confused. "I was named after an angel." Cas clarified.

"Oh. That's... Fuck, that's beautiful. I always imagined that our meeting would somehow involve birds but shit, that's..." Dean shook his head.

"What?" Cas chuckled.

"It's so... poetic. Fuck, everything about you is so perfect." Dean sighed happily.

"Get up here," Cas whispered, spreading his arms. Dean shuffled upwards until he was wrapped in Cas' arms, kissing his lips softly.

"I love you so fucking much," Dean said against his lips.

"I love you, too."

 

* * *

 

"Hey, sunshine, I missed you," Dean said as soon as Cas let him into the house. Cas chuckled.

"You were here last night, I kissed you before you left to work," he pointed out. Dean had barely left Cas' house since they had had the talk a few days earlier.

"I know, but I just can't stay away from you. I thought my shift would never end, I kept checking the clock and counting seconds until I could come back here," Dean sighed dramatically, stepping closer and pressing a kiss on Cas' lips.

"I missed you, too. I just got home so I haven't had time to cook yet. What would you like to eat?" Cas asked. They had both returned to work, getting back on the normal daily schedule. But now, when they got off from work they had someone to spend the rest of the day with.

"You, preferably." Dean grinned, gently pushing him against the wall before leaning down to nibble on the side of his neck. Cas laughed, holding on to Dean's shoulders. He was about to push him back, tell him that he was actually hungry and needed food, but then Dean found that one sensitive spot, making Cas' arguments melt away before he even managed to voice them.

"Oh," he sighed, his knees buckling. Dean pushed his hands under Cas' t-shirt, mapping the skin with his fingertips. He kissed his way up Cas' neck slowly.

"You want this?" Dean whispered, his breath tickling Cas' ear. Cas nodded.

"Yes," he whimpered. He couldn't even understand how he was so desperate for Dean, considering they had made each other come countless times in the last 4 days, but he still couldn't get enough.

Dean's hands moved down to unbuckle Cas' pants. "I wasn't joking when I said I wanted to..." Dean pushed Cas' pants down, biting on his neck again before letting his lips brush against his ear, "eat you."

Castiel gasped loudly when Dean suddenly flipped him around, pressing his chest against the wall. Cas could hear Dean dropping to his knees behind him, and a second later he felt hands on his ass, pulling the cheeks apart to make room for Dean's face.

The first swipe of Dean's tongue over his hole sent Cas right to heaven. His head fell back, his fingers twitched uselessly against the hard wall, trying to grasp onto anything. He could hear and feel Dean moaning against his skin as he kept eating him out, his clever tongue sending jolts of pleasure all over Cas' body.

"Dean, oh god," Cas panted, letting his forehead drop against the wall with a thud. Dean squeezed his ass, circling his rim with his tongue before slowly pushing just the tip in.

The entire hallway was echoing with Cas' loud moans and the wet sound that Dean's mouth made against his ass. Cas had gotten hard in seconds as soon as Dean had started eating him out, and his cock was already dripping with precum. Dean's tongue in him felt amazing, but he needed more.

"Dean," Cas started, his cheeks red from what he was about to say, "put a finger in me."

Dean pulled away from him, his right hand leaving Cas' skin. Cas tried to look at him over his shoulder but he couldn't quite see what Dean was doing. He didn't have to wonder much longer before he felt a slick finger pushing past his rim.

"Oh! Oh, yes," he moaned, pushing back against it, taking it deeper.

Dean leaned back in, licking around Cas' hole while pushing his finger gently deeper. Cas jumped a little when Dean found his prostate and started rubbing it.

"Fuck, Dean!" Cas moaned loudly.

He felt Dean spitting on his hole and a second later another finger pushed into him, joining the first one. Cas could feel his rim stretching, a slight burn that quickly turned to pleasure. It felt good, it felt so good, but it still wasn't enough.

"Dean, fuck me," Cas blurted out.

Dean stopped, his fingers still deep inside of him. Cas didn't dare to look at him. They had done a lot of things, this wasn't even the first time he had Dean's fingers inside of him, but they hadn't had penetrative sex yet. There wasn't any real reason why they hadn't done it yet, other than they had been so busy doing everything else that it just... hadn't happened yet. But Cas wanted it, wanted to be as close to Dean as physically possible, wanted to feel him inside of him.

"Like... For real?" Dean asked quietly. Cas nodded, knowing that Dean was staring at him.

"Yes. I want you in me."

"Okay, yeah. _Fuck_ , yes. You wanna this move to the bedroom?" Dean asked, sounding breathless.

"Yes, we'll need actual lube." Cas smiled, feeling a bit more confident now.

Dean pulled his fingers out gently, pressing a couple of small kisses on Cas' ass before standing up. Cas kicked off his pants that were still pooled around his ankles before leaning up to kiss his soulmate. With shy, excited smiles on their faces they made their way to the bedroom.

They undressed each other quietly, pressing light kisses on each other's lips. Once they were both naked Cas guided Dean onto the bed, crawling on top of him and kissing him again. Dean's hands found Cas' hips but moved lower quickly, until he was circling a finger around Cas' still spit slick hole.

"Want me to continue what we were doing earlier?" Dean asked.

"I want your fingers in me," Cas whispered against his lips.

He let Dean lay him on his back, waited while Dean got the lube and spread his legs to let Dean between them. Dean pushed two lubed fingers into him, easily sliding them all the way in. Cas sighed, closing his eyes as Dean started to move them.

"You're so beautiful like this. You feel so good, so tight around my fingers, I can't wait to get inside of you." Dean spoke quietly, staring down at him.

"Add another one," Cas moaned, working his hips down against Dean's fingers.

Dean did as he was told, pushing a third finger into Cas' tight hole, and a bit later a fourth one. Cas was moaning loudly, his eyes closed, his own hand gripping his hair as he fucked himself on Dean's fingers.

"I'm ready. Fuck me," Cas panted, opening his eyes to look at Dean who nodded before pulling his fingers out slowly. Suddenly a realization crossed Cas' mind.

"I don't have any condoms," he said, his eyes wide. Dean stopped, then looked down on the bed.

"I uh... I actually went to buy some just today," he admitted, moving off the bed to pull a packet from the back pocket of his jeans.

"Oh, so you were hoping to get laid," Cas teased him, grinning while Dean struggled to open the package.

"I just wanted to be prepared." He shrugged, but he was blushing. Cas smiled at him.

"Good thinking. Now roll that on and get in me." He wriggled his hips, already growing impatient.

When Dean was ready he crawled to sit on his knees between Cas' spread legs. "How do you wanna do this?" He asked. Cas motioned him to come closer, to lay on top of him.

"Just like this. I want to see you, I wanna be able to kiss you," he whispered, lifting his hips as an invitation. Dean smiled, pressed their lips together and guided his cock to Cas' entrance. He slipped in easily, making them both break the kiss as moans slipped past their lips.

"Oh, fuck. I've been dreaming about this," Dean admitted against his skin, thrusting in slowly. "You're so tight, so perfect."

"Dean, kiss me," Cas whined, tugging on Dean's hair to get him to lift his head. As soon as he had his lips on Dean's he pushed his tongue inside, devouring him.

Dean's thrusts got deeper, faster. His hands were holding Cas' thick thighs apart, squeezing them just hard enough to feel good but not hurt. Cas clawed on Dean's back, moaning into his mouth when Dean's cock hit his prostate.

"Fuck, right there!" Cas gasped loudly, throwing his head back. Dean straightened up, standing on his knees to get a better angle. He kept fucking in and out of Cas, going faster and faster. Cas was almost screaming, Dean's cock felt incredible inside of him, and he was sure he could come just from it. He lifted his hips a little, wanting Dean even deeper. The angle was perfect, Dean's cock was nailing his prostate on almost every thrust. Cas could feel his release growing closer and closer, it wouldn't take much longer.

"Dean I'm close. Fuck, make me come, oh god please make me come," Cas moaned, staring up at him with wide eyes. Dean looked gorgeous, his skin was glistening with sweat, his cheeks were rosy pink and the way he moved his hips was beautiful.

"Come for me, baby. Fuck, you're so perfect. Wanna feel you come around my cock," Dean panted. He snapped his hips forward even faster than before, and a second later Cas' back arched up from the bed as he came, spurts of come painting his stomach and chest in white as he screamed Dean's name.

He barely noticed how Dean's hips stilled, how he groaned loudly as he came inside of Cas right before collapsing on top of him. They laid there, Dean's softening cock still inside of him, panting against each other's shoulders.

"How was it?" Dean asked, still breathing heavy.

"Perfect. It was perfect. Did you enjoy it?" Cas turned his head to look at him.

"More than. Fuck, I don't even wanna pull out, can I stay inside of you for the rest of my life?" Dean asked, wiggling his hips up a little. Cas chuckled.

"I don't think that's physically possible, I'm sorry," he said gently, running his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean sighed, slowly pulling out and rolling off of Cas to lay down next to him. They looked at each other with soft smiles on their faces.

"I love you," Dean whispered.

"I love you, too," Cas whispered back.

"You're covered in spunk," Dean pointed out, his tone still just as gentle as before. Cas cracked up, looking down on himself. Dean lowered his fingers to Cas' stomach, swirling the tip of his forefinger in the cooling cum on Cas' skin, before slowly bringing the finger to his own mouth and sucking it clean. Cas followed his actions with wide eyes, arousal rising inside of him despite the fact that he had come just minutes before.

"Fuck..." Cas breathed out quietly, watching as Dean pulled the finger out of his mouth with a loud pop.

"Enjoying the show?" Dean smirked.

"If you hadn't just quite literally fucked me into the mattress I'd jump on you right now," Cas said, still staring at him. Dean chuckled, leaning in to kiss him.

"I'll clean you up, then we'll cook something," Dean said, pushing himself up and off the bed.

"Yeah, okay," was all Cas was able to say, still in awe. Dean returned soon with a damp washcloth. He pressed gentle kisses on Cas' hips and thighs as he cleaned him from cum and lube.

"I could get used to this," Cas sighed, enjoying the way Dean was gently taking care of him.

"You absolutely can and will get used to this, I plan to spoil you for the rest of your life." Dean smiled gently, tossing the washcloth on the floor before moving upwards, pressing his lips against Cas'.

"When did I get so lucky?" Cas asked.

"I'm the lucky one here. When I realized I had fallen in love with you I was mentally preparing myself to get my heart broken. I was so sure someone would come and take you away from me. But..." Dean swallowed, gently brushing stray hair away from Cas' forehead, "you're my soulmate. We were meant for each other."

"Dean, no one is ever going to take me away from you. I've been waiting for you my whole life, I'm here to stay." Cas assured him. He could swear he saw tears in Dean's eyes just before Dean leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was interrupted when Dean's stomach grumbled, reminding them that neither of them had eaten since lunch.

"Come on, let's make something to eat." Cas smiled, pushing Dean off of him. As they were getting dressed Dean dug his phone from his jeans pocket.

"Hey, I got a text from Jo. She's asking how I'm doing and invites me to another barbeque party this Saturday. Wanna come with me?" Dean asked. Cas turned to look at him with wide, surprised eyes.

"Uh... Have you told them about... about us?" He asked.

"Um, no. Haven't really had time to. Have you told Anna?" Dean shrugged.

"No, not yet. Should we maybe let them know?" Cas suggested.

"Or we could surprise them?" Dean grinned.

"Why?" Cas furrowed his brow.

"I don't know, just to see their reaction when we walk in hand in hand. Or make out in front of them, however you want to do it."

Cas thought about it for a moment. "Okay, I guess that could be funny."

"I'll let her know that I'm gonna be there," Dean grinned, starting to type on his phone. Cas chuckled, shaking his head.

 

* * *

 

They were almost at Jo's house when Cas remembered something. "Oh! I guess it's obvious now, but you remember how Anna seemed to hate you?" Cas asked, turning to look at Dean.

"Hard to forget," Dean mumbled, quickly glancing at Cas before turning his attention back to the road.

"Yeah, she was the first person I told about you, that same day when we first met. She listened to me crying on the phone, then a few days later she held me while I cried more. I was a mess back then and she was there for me, so I guess you can understand why she wasn't excited when we suddenly started to hang out." Castiel explained.

Dean was quiet for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip. "Does she still hate me?" He finally asked.

"Well, the last time I mentioned you to her was when you had just seen my tattoo and stormed out, and I thought I'd never see you again." Cas shrugged a little.

"So yes, she still hates me," Dean sighed.

"Most likely. But I'll talk to her. If she comes up to you today just... Don't start fighting with her, she's just worried about me," Castiel said with a pleading tone.

"I won't. I'll just tell her that I'm not planning on hurting you ever again, which is, by the way, the truth." Dean nodded, turning to look at him. Cas smiled.

"I know. It'll be fine." Cas reached for Dean's arm, giving it a small squeeze just as Dean parked the car on Jo's driveway. Dean turned off the engine, looking at Cas with a smirk on his lips.

"So, hand in hand?" He asked. Cas nodded.

They heard their friends' voices coming from the backyard so they went around the house. Jo was the first one who noticed them, and her gaze dropped to their joined hands immediately.

"Wow, wait a minute! Has something happened?" She asked loudly, effectively getting everyone's attention. Their eyes widened as they one by one took in the two men standing in front of them, holding hands. Anna looked at them, her mouth hanging open. The look she gave Cas was like she was asking if everything was okay, so Castiel just nodded at her.

"Are you two, like, together?" Ruby asked the question everyone was probably thinking. Cas looked at Dean.

"Yeah, we are. Turns out, we're soulmates." Dean smiled brightly.

"What?" Jo, Kevin and Ruby yelled at the same time.

"I know, it's unbelievable but true." Dean smiled, wrapping his arm around Cas' waist and pulling him to his side. It was the first time they had been close like this in front of other people, and Cas felt a warmth spreading inside of him that made him feel light, happy.

"Wait, how do you know? You got your tattoo removed," Kevin asked suspiciously.

"Duh, Cas was the person who removed it." Dean rolled his eyes. Kevin mumbled a quiet 'oh, right' before looking down.

"I... I don't know what to say," Jo said, looking helpless until after a few more seconds it looked like her brain finally caught up with what was happening and she quickly walked up to them, a warm happy smile on her lips. She went to Dean first, pulling him into a tight hug.

"Congratulations. I told you you'd find your soulmate one day!"

Dean chuckled, "yeah, you did. Isn't he perfect?" He smiled, looking at Cas from the corner of his eye.

"He is." Jo let go of him, but then something flashed on her face. "Dean, what have you put this poor man through!" She yelled, slapping his arm so hard the smack made Cas flinch.

"He couldn't know. And he isn't the only one to blame, I knew the truth since the first time I met him but kept it a secret for months. I'm sure I've caused him just as much pain as he has to me. But we're okay now, we've had several long conversations about, well, everything. We're good." Cas told her, speaking loud enough that the whole group could hear him. Jo looked at him, then back to Dean before she came to hug Castiel.

"I'm so happy everything worked out between you two. Dean's been pining after you for ages, it's been painful to watch," she grinned.

"Hey!" Dean started, but then shrugged, "Well, okay, it's true." He smiled at Cas a little shyly, making Cas' insides melt. He leaned in to press a small kiss on Dean's cheek.

Everyone came to congratulate them, hugging them and patting their shoulders. Everyone, but Anna, who was still standing a little further away, her gaze hard as she watched them. It wasn't until Ruby walked back to her and gave her a weird look that she finally uncrossed her arms and walked up to her brother.

"Cas? A word?" She stopped in front of him, nodding her head to the side.

"Anna, we're fine, I'm fine," Cas sighed, not moving from where he was standing next to his soulmate. Anna glanced at Dean, then opened her arms for Cas who immediately hugged her with a smile on his lips.

"If everything truly is okay between the two of you, if you're truly happy, then I'm happy for you. You deserve only the best and I hope after all this, Dean can be worth your love," Anna whispered to his ear.

"He is. We're good, you don't have to worry about me anymore," Cas assured her, hugging her even tighter.

After a moment Anna pulled away but kept her hands on Cas' arms. She glanced at Dean again before looking Cas in the eye. "It's just hard to believe that everything is magically fixed, after everything that has happened."

"Oh, no, there's nothing magical about this," Cas shook his head, "we've talked everything through since the truth came out. We've cried, laughed and cried some more. We're still getting used to this whole soulmate thing but I think we're doing well," Cas said and turned to look at Dean who was smiling gently at him.

"Anna, I promise to never hurt your brother again. I wish I had known sooner, I wish we had met literally in any other situation than how we did, but because I can't change what has already happened, I promise to do everything I can to make it all up to him. I'm not a bad guy, I'm just really fucking stupid and stubborn," Dean assured her, chuckling at the end.

Cas watched how Anna stared at Dean like she was trying to decide whether to believe him or not. Finally she sighed, let go of Cas and stepped in front of Dean. Instead of hugging him she held out her hand. After a moment of hesitation, Dean took it.

"I'll keep an eye on you, Winchester. You better do your best to make him happy, and _keep_ him happy," Anna said sternly.

"I will, you have my word." Dean nodded.

To everyone's surprise, Anna pulled Dean into a hug, a very short one but still a hug. As soon as Anna turned around Dean was beaming up at Cas.

"She might actually stop hating me one day," he whispered to Cas.

"She will, and I think it'll be sooner than later." Castiel smiled, wrapping his arm around Dean's waist. Dean leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"Come on, I'm starving." He grinned at Cas, guiding him towards the table set on the patio.


	10. Four months later

Cas tossed his keys on the small bowl on top of the side table, pulling off his scarf. With a sigh he kicked off his shoes before heading to the kitchen to get something to drink. As he was filling a glass with cold orange juice he heard steps coming towards him.

"Hey, babe. Did you just get home?" Dean asked, wrapping his arms around Cas' middle from behind, resting his chin on Cas' shoulder. Cas relaxed against him, closing his eyes.

"Yeah. Had a rough day at work," Cas sighed.

"Anything I can do to cheer you up?" Dean asked. Cas turned his head to grin at him.

"A blowjob might help."

Dean chuckled but turned Cas around in his arms, took the glass and the bottle from his hands and set them on the table before moving in for a kiss. Cas wrapped his hands loosely around Dean's neck, melting into the kiss. He broke the kiss and looked down when he felt Dean's hands undoing his pants. He looked back up at Dean with a raised eyebrow.

Dean pushed him against the counter, winked at him and slowly dropped to his knees in front of him.

"You don't actually have to." Cas smiled at him. Dean grinned up at him as he pulled his pants and underwear down.

"Oh, but I want to," Dean said with a sultry voice.

And well, Cas definitely wasn't going to stop him.

 

* * *

 

Living with Dean was everything Cas had ever imagined and more. After the very, very rough start they had worked hard for their relationship, and these days it was perfect. Yes, Castiel dared to call it perfect. They were happy, truly happy, they both had jobs they loved and Dean had moved in with him a few months into their relationship. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle, they worked together seamlessly around the house. They cooked together, they cleaned together, they took breaks to make out between chores and they took care of each other in every possible way. Of course they argued sometimes, every couple does, but they had learned their lesson about talking things out, and neither of them wanted to fight so they always made up quickly.

Castiel was happier than he could ever remember being. Everything was perfect.

He was sitting on the couch reading a book when he heard a key turning in the lock. The front door opened and closed and a minute later Dean was standing in the doorway with a huge smile on his face. Yeah, Dean was happy too.

"Hey, babe." Cas greeted him.

"Hey, I have a surprise for you," Dean said, sounding a little nervous. Cas sat up, closed his book and put it down on the coffee table.

"Oh? A surprise?"

"Yeah. Could you uh... Could you come here?" Dean asked. Cas nodded and got up, stopping to stand right in front of Dean who looked more and more nervous by every passing second.

"Dean, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. You- uh, ready for your surprise?" Dean smiled but his lips twitched nervously.

"Yes, I think I am." Cas nodded. To his surprise, Dean started to unbutton his plaid shirt.

"Oh, I think I'm gonna like this surprise," Cas smirked as more and more skin was revealed.

Dean didn't let the shirt fall open, he kept it in place even though he quickly worked the buttons open. Finally, the last button was undone and Dean turned his gaze back up to Castiel. Slowly he pulled the shirt off, exposing his chest. Castiel noticed it immediately.

"You got a new tattoo?" He gasped, leaning in to take a closer look at it.

It was a tree, right over Dean's heart. The tattoo itself was quite big but the tree still looked small, like a young little tree that was still growing. It was all black and grey, reaching up towards Dean's collar bone and down where the roots of the tree almost touched his nipple. Surrounding the tree was a halo of blue and green that almost made it look like the tree was glowing, the colors mixing together to a beautiful shade of turquoise. The colors reminded Castiel of the tattoo on his side, the one that he had removed from Dean's side.

"It's beautiful," Castiel whispered with tears in his eyes.

"I know it doesn't match yours, ours, but it's still about us. You help me grow as a person, you bring so much light and joy into my life-" Dean choked up a little.

Castiel surged up to kiss him, taking his head between his hands before smashing their lips together. It was a messy, quick kiss but it was still perfect. When Castiel broke the kiss he looked back down at the tattoo and that's when he noticed something he had missed before.

Between the roots there was an infinity symbol, growing from them. The curves of it were highlighted in a shade of yellow that almost looked like pure gold had been tattooed to Dean's skin.

"What's this part?" Castiel asked quietly, gently brushing his thumb over the symbol.

Without answering Dean dropped to one knee in front of him, holding an open ring box in his hands. Castiel gasped, a new set of tears filling his eyes as he realized what was happening.

"Castiel Novak, my soulmate. You make me happier than I ever imagined I could be. You loved me even when I didn't deserve it, and you continue to do so. And I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. You're everything I've been searching for all my life, even when I convinced myself that I had stopped looking I was still hoping to get even a fraction of what we have now. I love you with all my heart and soul, I will love you for the rest of my life if you'll just let me. Castiel, will you marry me?"

Castiel could barely see Dean anymore through his tears so he just dropped on his knees, hoping that Dean would catch him. He did, of course he did. Dean wrapped his strong arms around Cas' waist, holding him against him.

"Yes," Cas sobbed against Dean's shoulder.

"What? Honey, I couldn't hear you, was that a-"

"Yes! Yes, I'll marry you. Yes, Dean, yes." Cas lifted his head up, almost screaming the words.

"Oh, thank God," Dean breathed out and kissed him. After a couple of seconds Cas pulled away.

"Put it on me," he sobbed, holding out his trembling hand. Dean's hands were shaking too as he struggled to get the ring out of the box and into Cas' finger, but as soon as it was where it belonged Cas pushed him down onto the floor and kissed him again.

"I love you," Cas said between kisses, still crying a little.

"I love you, too, so much," Dean panted, surging up for more kisses.

"I want a big wedding, let's invite everyone."

Dean smiled. "Anything you want, babe. I'll give you anything you want, for the rest of our lives."

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Remember to leave kudos and comments :)


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